Crabby Days

It's not been a very good few days around here.

I'm not sure which came first, but the effect is the same.  Sofia is crabby.  Whiney.  Negative.  Whiney.  Grouchy.  Whiney.  Sad.  Did I mention whiney?
I have zero patience.  Everything makes me crazy.  I yell.  I pout.  I try to keep from crying and count to ten.  I try to remember that she's two, that we're both fighting a cold, that this is completely normal.  And then I yell again.

I hate the mother I'm becoming, at least right now.  I can't seem to get anything done, and the things I am able to do, nothing goes right.  I hate when I lose my temper, when my patience is thin and I'm always just a step away from the end of my rope.

What of this will she remember?  I've always thought of myself as a good mom, a patient mom, a mom that doesn't yell, that thinks of fun things to do, that loves her child more than life itself and would never want to send her to the moon, even for the day.  But lately, when my first attempts at fixing the situation don't work, my next attempts are less than effective.  Getting frustrated is guaranteed not the perk my daughter out of her bad mood.

Being a stay-at-home mom is tough.  Having been both a work-outside the home mom and a stay at home mom, both present their own challenges.  When I worked full-time, being with Sofia was my respite, my me time.  I was over-joyed just to be with her, and to do the things that need doing at home.  Since I hadn't been with her all day, all I wanted to do was play toys, do fun things, and enjoy my girl.  It was incredibly difficult to leave each morning, especially the mornings when Sofia hadn't woken up yet.  I hated that I was missing her life, that she was growing up and I wasn't a part of most of her day-to-days.  It was so hard to get everything done that a mom needs to do at home, and remaining productive at work was difficult.  My heart and mind were elsewhere.

Now, I get to be home with my girl.  I see her almost every waking moment, and I do cherish it.  There is always lots to get done around the house and at the farm, and I'm never bored.  I love having the time with Sofia, and I know she likes having me around.  However, because I am  here all day, I sometimes miss the moments of playing and imagining because I'm busy with dishes or lambs or vacuuming or everything else that needs to get done.  Because I don't get a respite, my temper gets short.  My crabby days get multiplied because I don't have an outlet away from Sofia.

So, today I made more of an effort to do fun things together.  We created an on-line book, found Sesame Street coloring pages, and tried to do a craft together.  For about five minutes, it was great.  Then, the whining, crying, say-no-so-everything behavior started.  Again.  And I feel like a failure.

So, we'll count to ten, read stories, and just make it through today.  Perhaps tomorrow will be better.