Thanksgiving

I'm aware that this is a day early, but I'll probably not have time tomorrow, and Thanksgiving is very important.  The holiday and the sentiment.

Though times are tough and I'm in tears more than I laugh right now, I have much to be grateful for.  Especially in times like this, I need to remember and remind myself of all the blessings in my life and to be thankful.

Thanksgiving is knowing that we're not entitled anything.  Nothing is deserved, nothing is earned.  Every single blessing is a blessing to be grateful for.  If this weren't the truth, then people who work themselves to the bone every day wouldn't lose their babies to malaria, wouldn't get HIV, wouldn't have to deal with drought and famine.  If this weren't true, then people full of love and devotion and integrity wouldn't have lost their lives, their loved ones, their everything in a tsunami, a hurricane, an earthquake.  If this weren't true, everyone in the world would have equal opportunity; nobody would be born on third base thinking they've hit a triple (kudos to whoever said that first; I love it), nobody would give their all and end up short.  If this weren't true, disease would only strike those who have only done bad in their life and babies wouldn't die before they are born.

So I am grateful.  Grateful for every day the sun shines, grateful for the warmth inside my house, grateful for every smile that passes my lips.

My blessings are endless, and my cup truly runneth over, even if that is hard to see at times.

My Sofia.  The little miracle that hugs and kisses me everyday.  The blessing that I say 'thank you' to the universe for daily.  

My Julio.  I've known true love, true passion, romance and friendship.  For every day we're together, for our past and our future, I'm grateful.

My Family.  My incredible, unique, wonderful sisters.  We may have argued as children, but they really are the most fun, best support I could ask for.  I'm blessed and grateful.   I was raised by the very best parents.  My extended family of aunts and cousins and grandparents, my family-in-law; all interesting and loving and a blessing.  We are so lucky to have families we love so much that we have to be sad that we don't see them as often as we'd like.  Gratitude.

Those are the obvious, the top three of any list.  Yet there are so many more, endless blessings.

The smell of mint underfoot in a frozen prairie.  The feel of a warm, furry puppy in my lap.  The sun shining on the fresh snow.  The birds at my feeder.  The health of those I love.  The talents I have.

My Friends.  Oh, my friends. Though they be scattered across the world, I am so grateful for the support and the love.  Though some have been lost, none will be forgotten. 

Music.  Laughter.  Love.  Sunshine.  Wind.  Rain.  Snow.  Leaves.  Trees.  Everything.

Happy Thanksgiving.  My heart is full.

That's my girl.

We went to a party last night, just Sofie and me.  We had wine and orange juice for the under 3 set.  We talked to adults and a certain someone charmed the pants off of every woman there.  And we had chocolate.  Oh, yes.  Sofia can not get enough of the chocolate.  She knows exactly what a candy wrapper looks like, and even ventured into the arms of Unknown Man (aka Uncle Bob) to get her hands on some M&Ms.  

That's my girl.

It is good to get out of the house once in awhile and just pretend that everything is okay.  It is hard work remembering all the bad luck and crap all the time, holding it up and clutching desperately at straws to hold it all together before it all hits a fan and is scattered.  Setting that load down is hard to do, but essential for sanity.  That's what last night's party was supposed to be.  And for the most part, it was.  I laughed and smiled and chatted.  However, small talk with people you don't see all that often inevitably starts with this question:  How are you?  Usually, that's not a big deal, not a tough question to answer.  And I could just lie.  Say we're fine, thanks so much, and how are you?  But I'm not a good liar, even little white-conversation-saver lies.  My eyes tear up and I muster a "We're okay" response and then look away quickly.

With any amount of luck and a lot of hard work, we'll be okay.  Someday, I won't feel like I'm drowning, that water is closing in on me from every direction and I don't have any idea which way up is, and even if I knew that, I couldn't find the shore to get out of this danger anyway.  I'll have my life in control and I'll feel just happy.  Someday.  

But not today.  Today, I have to seek out those moments.  Those times when I can just sip wine and set down the burdens of the day.  Times when M&Ms are the only thing that I need to smile.  

Seriously

I need a break.  From life, from reality, from money, from job searching.  From thinking.  From worrying.  From the past, present and future.  From everything.

Is there a pause button somewhere that can make everything just STOP?  Not slow down, not change, just stop for awhile, taking all feeling with it.  Just for a while.  I can deal with all these things; I just need a break before I do.

A Dichotomy

It feels cruel.  To finally have the job I've always wanted, constantly yearned for, yet be searching determinedly for something else.  

I'm a parent.  From now until forever I'll be a full-time mom.  No matter where I am or how far apart we are, SHE will be in my heart, my thoughts, my every cell.  My daughter.  It is no secret that I'm job-searching.  Grasping at straws in this cut-and-downsize economy begging someone, anyone, to pay me.  Perhaps offer me benefits.  Direct deposit.  That sort of thing.  

The part that is hard, though, is that I already have the job that I've dreamt of for so long.  I know I'll be a full-time mom always, no matter what, no matter if I'm being paid by another job.  But actually being a full-time at home stay-at-home mom suits me just fine.  If I could lose the worry and fear and dread somewhere along the way, this would be exactly how I choose to live my life.  

Only I don't get to choose.  I have to get up every morning and search like hell for the opportunity that will take me away from this heaven.  I hope and pray and cry for the chance to have my heart break in a million little pieces every day, to pay someone else to be there for my daughter's moments, to wipe her tears, to feed her lunch.

I've got to put these thoughts out.  I've got to make me peace with working full-time AND mothering full-time.  Happiness will be there in that balance, if I can find it.  

So, apparently instead of NaBloPoMo, I decided to boycott November all-together.  Awesome.

It's just that there's not much to say.  I don't like to be the downer all the time, and lately, that's what we are.  A house-full of downers.  

We're working on it.  I hope to be back with happier tones soon.

Yes We Did!

President-elect Barack Obama.  

That sounds so right.  

I have hope for our future; both as a country and us personally.  Yes, we can.  

Election Day!

November 4.  The day is here.  

I'm shaking in my boots over here.

Voting at 7:30 am proved wise as there was already a line.  My ballot is counted and I've moved on to canvassing.  I musta walked 10 miles already.  

I can't wait for tonight.  I can't wait to see that Yes, Indeed, WE CAN.