A Dichotomy

It feels cruel.  To finally have the job I've always wanted, constantly yearned for, yet be searching determinedly for something else.  

I'm a parent.  From now until forever I'll be a full-time mom.  No matter where I am or how far apart we are, SHE will be in my heart, my thoughts, my every cell.  My daughter.  It is no secret that I'm job-searching.  Grasping at straws in this cut-and-downsize economy begging someone, anyone, to pay me.  Perhaps offer me benefits.  Direct deposit.  That sort of thing.  

The part that is hard, though, is that I already have the job that I've dreamt of for so long.  I know I'll be a full-time mom always, no matter what, no matter if I'm being paid by another job.  But actually being a full-time at home stay-at-home mom suits me just fine.  If I could lose the worry and fear and dread somewhere along the way, this would be exactly how I choose to live my life.  

Only I don't get to choose.  I have to get up every morning and search like hell for the opportunity that will take me away from this heaven.  I hope and pray and cry for the chance to have my heart break in a million little pieces every day, to pay someone else to be there for my daughter's moments, to wipe her tears, to feed her lunch.

I've got to put these thoughts out.  I've got to make me peace with working full-time AND mothering full-time.  Happiness will be there in that balance, if I can find it.