October 31

Holy Shit. Tomorrow is November.

November is the month I don't have a job.

Wait, scratch that. I DO have a job. Just not a paycheck.

I have a job being a mom. I have a job searching for a job (which is a full-time job in itself, and if I say job one more time in this sentence job I get a cookie JOB. Yay. I win)

I go from being all non-chalant and things will work out and this too shall pass and life is an adventure to ohmygodinheaven, I have a baby and no insurance and no way to pay mortgage and we're in an economic crisis in this country and no one will ever hire me and even if they do and they hire my husband too how the hell will we afford daycare and mortgage all at the same time on two little measly incomes?

Yes, all of that.

I had a dream last night that made me tired. I don't remember all of it, but I specifically remember searching for a pair of shoes that I knew were here somewhere and I NEEDED but could not find. I remember crossing a street a lot. I remember being nervous.
So, I woke up nervous and tired and feeling like I already had a full day, how is it possibly time to wake up yet?

Not only is this the last day before November (holy shit holy shit holy shit), it is Halloween. I have the cutest little mouse waiting for me at home. She'll have whiskers and a tail and a cute little button black nose.

Not only is this the last day before November (holy shit holy shit holy shit) and not only is it Halloween, it is our good friend's birthday. So, we have a sitter, and we're all dressing up as Andy. I've got my fabulous scarf and polo shirt all ready to go.

November is coming, ready or not, but I've got the good life, yes I do.

Heavenly Sleep

Remember all the DRAMA! HALP! posts regarding my daughter's sleep patterns?

Houston, we've had problems, but we're ready for take-off anyway.

We're all sleeping. At least 8 hours. In a row. Usually, anyway. (i won't go into the gas-induced-scream-fest that was tuesday night. that just bums me out).

An earlier bedtime, one nap a day and a refusal to nurse at night have made us all better sleepers. I know things change and I'm not claiming victory yet, but actually waking up in the morning and having to PEE is a welcome feeling.

(because, you know, i wasn't awake three times during the night with my daughter, giving me an excuse to pee and then waking up, groggily, in the morning and making it through my second cup of coffee before realizing I haven't peed yet, good god.)

Speaking of coffee, must refill my cup. Afternoon hath arrived.

Six Days

A little less than a week.

How can that seem like just a blink, yet an entire eternity away?

Six days. It's like having a baby: the six days before the child is born take FOREVER. Seriously, time stops. Thinking about the possibility of having six. whole. days. more of being pregnant is just about as daunting as thinking you'll be pregnant until Christmas. Then, as soon as you have that newborn in your arms, she is six days old, then fifteen months with nary a second to catch your breath. Can those six days really be the same amount of physical time?

Six days. In six days, this election will finally be over (we hope, anyway. I'm personally praying for a non-repeat of 2000, thankyouverymuch). Time for unity. Time for healing. Time for change.

I just hope it is around my candidate. I don't want to be the gracious loser. I want to be the celebratory winner. I want AMERICA to be the winner.

I'm just so nervous. So, time is slowly ticking away, yet racing way too fast. November 4.

ps. I went to vote this morning, and there were lines down the street. Yikes. I'll try again this afternoon.

A Girl and a Dog

When do kids stop being infants and start being toddlers?  

Around the time they start getting their naughty streak, I'd guess.   Sofia is now all toddler.

Polar is a very tolerant dog.  He tolerates when she sits on him, he tolerates when she pulls his tail.  He tolerates her getting much more attention than he gets.  He tolerates his bathroom breaks being less urgent than her diaper changes and getting chastised when he takes food from her.  

Only Li'l Miss has picked up on that last one.  Oh, yes she has.

Sofia has been found out.  Today, she got a string cheese.  Marched off eating it as always.  She came to us fussing and pointing at Polar.  We sent him to his bed and gave her more cheese.  She went to the livingroom, and I followed.  I witnessed her go to Polar's bed, put the cheese in his mouth, then turn around and sob.

Little Stinker.

Done

And...it's done. I signed. As of November 3rd, I will no longer be employed.

I am amazed at how non-scared I feel. How I know this is the right decision.

Life is looking up, folks.

Except for my dog. Dude, he's got gas. Give an allergic dog fish oil and predisnone and see what happens. It doesn't sound, or smell, pretty.

Give me Sleep or Give me Death.

Since when do 1 year olds not sleep through the night?

Seriously, I thought this night-waking would stop at some point. So far, it seems I am doomed to years of not sleeping.

I finally decided to suck it up and no longer nurse Sofia at night. She demands it and screams for it and it is not the way I'd like to nurse, so I'm refusing. I always thought I'd be the "don't offer, don't refuse" kind of mom. Just another example of how your kid changes your plan, I guess. So, we cry at night instead. The crying length is getting shorter, so I'm trying to be heartened. I don't have it in me to just let her cry, so I hold her and cuddle her instead. One step at a time, right? We have a sippy of water in her crib in case she is thirsty and I'm trying to explain to her during the day as well that we don't nurse when she screams for it.

Yet, we're still waking twice a night. At least. This is not helping my plan to wake up early in the morning, work out and be out the door before 8:30. Sometimes I'm lucky to be out of bed by then.

Who knew that lack of sleep could be this important? I know I went with far less during college.

I also fell asleep behind the wheel once and tended to fall asleep during class, so I guess that isn't sayin' much.

Anyway, besides refusing to let her mama and papa get a full night's sleep in, my toddler is continuing to charm me. She's so funny. She likes animal crackers, and will take one in her chubby little hand, walk off with it, feed it to the dog, then come complaining to me that Polar ate her cookie. Stinker.
The child loves accessories. She walks around the house with a little purse around her neck, carrying her shoes. She's got a costume jewelery necklace that she loves. How am I going to afford her teenage years? I foresee a lot of babysitting in her future paying for handbags and earrings.

Job hunt still on. Trying not to let the fear consume me. Trying to move on. Sometimes is easier than others.

So, it is almost official. I told my boss that I am leaving. Papers still need signing, but for all purposes, it is done.

I'm terrified. What have I done? Left my family with no income? And I gambling my daughter's well being for my own selfish reasons? Will we make it through this?

I'm relieved. Living life means taking risks, and I want to live my life again, not just be in it. I want to live deliberately, do what I want, find who I am. I can't do that here. I'm showing my daughter that she deserves the right to find out what makes her go, to change when things are working, to be fully present in her life. I need to lead by example.

I'm scared, but optimistic. I've already signed up to volunteer on November 4th, getting out the vote. Never before have I been so certain in our need for President Obama. When you are faced with the prospect of no health insurance and no income, it would help to know that there is a government behind you who wants to help. Something there to catch your fall and help you get back up.

Now, I need to go dust off that interview suit and find the courage that I know I have somewhere around here.

Getting Up

Okay, I'm getting on my feet and standing up.
I've got my resume mostly done.
I have a few jobs I can apply for.
I have several contacts that I can network with, hopefully leading to a job.

I haven't been happy at this job for awhile, now. I wrote something months ago that I want to share here:
My heart hurts. It is never where it wants to be, where it should be. My heart is in a constant three-way tug-of-war with my brain and reality and it never seems to win. Too many shoulds and have tos must do nows to leave room for silly things like dreams, creating, loving. Naivety. How I wish it was reality. I wish I could just live my life, live it like I want to. There’s always a tether holding me to reality whenever my feet think of leaving the floor. Money. I can’t do what I want to without money. I can’t have money without work. I can’t do what I want to and work at the same time. A circle the tortures me. I see pictures—my happy, smiling baby. The tiny newborn pictures make way for the sitting, standing pictures. They frame my desk, my wall, are etched on my heart. My soul longs for the comfort of her touch, the stickiness of her hands, the fullness of her laughter. I want to take walks, go to the playground, plant a garden. I want to do laundry, play peek-a-boo, pet the dog. I want to talk in babbles, teach ABCs and splash in rain puddles. I want crafts and colors, messes and baths, dancing and battles of wills. I want to learn to sew with her, to teach her to play piano, to just BE.
Instead, I labor over spreadsheets. I discover problems and create problems. I curse at my computer screen. I yearn for five o’clock so I can go home and begin my day. My life is lived between 5 and 10 pm on weekdays and on weekends. Seems like a lot of hours to be only existing, yet not really living.

I'm going to use this as an opportunity. An opportunity to get off my butt and take a risk. It is making me take a risk. I'll get a job, any job, I don't care, and keep looking for what I really want to do, what will make me happy at home AND at work. Maybe I'll go so school, maybe I'll figure out exactly who I am and what my place is in this world.I have friends. I have family. I am cared for and loved. We won't starve, and even in the worst case scenario, we won't be homeless. Life will move on. I will move on, and be better for it.

Yeah, this has not been a good month

Can we get a do-over?  Just the from Setember 15 until now, please.  Can you manage that, universe?  

No?  Well, damn.  Then help me figure out this mess of crap you've piled in my lap, okay?  

Apparently, my job doesn't think my family and the life of my husband is more important that my continued productivity.  As you can imagine, I've been a bit preoccupied.  Productive isn't a word I'd use to describe me right now.  So, I'm being let go.  For real.  No job.  That means there are two of us, both healing, both hurting, and not a single job.  No health insurance.  

I'm scared.  I'm humiliated.  I feel defeated.  

I haven't been the world's best employee.  There are things I'd change.  I know that.  I made mistakes.  But the lack of empathy for a person and their real-person life from my company just hurts.  I've been there over three years.  I've done good work.  

Seriously, about that do-over?  Can you think about it again, universe?

Little Miss McDonald on her Farm

Here's the promised pictures of our week away.

In Need of Sleep

Isn't is amazing how not sleeping very well throws everything into the realm of DOOM! HELP! SUCKS! the sun will never shine again!

Sofia has a cold. Not a cold that affects her during the day, save for some sniffles and a mama that is constantly running after her with a tissue, but a cold that disrupts her sleep and makes her feel crummy. Know what a baby does when she feels crummy and doesn't know why and can't sleep? She makes sure the whole house knows it.
We heard her begin to whimper last night (mind you, this is the fourth or fifth night of this) and laid in bed still, our ears piqued hoping that the cries wouldn't escalate and the little angel would put herself back to sleep. Cries continue, paper/rock/scissors to determine who has to actually GET UP to fetch her. Of course, she wants to nurse. She always wants to nurse. Forever. Listening to a stuffy kid nurse is not very calming and now I have booger on my boob. Sweet.
So, we used to co-sleep. I liked it. Until Sofia didn't. Now she kicks, moves, wiggles, farts, nurses, bites, talks, and all other sorts of non-approved-nighttime activities when in bed with us. None of us sleep. But the energy required to put her back in her bed and deal with the inevitable aforementioned crying of the feeling-crummy-toddler equals more than the lazy solution of just dealing with her where she is.
So, all this = very little sleep.
Fast forward to this afternoon. I imagine we are not the only family with financial stresses, nor are we the only family dealing with difficult things. I swear, though, one little straw fell, and I hit the floor. Doom! Drama! Poor me! Break out that violin, folks, for I have the worst sob story.
After a few minutes of literally forced, relaxed breathing, a latte and some reality, I have officially calmed down.
And planned some sleepy time for me this weekend. Because you simply can't hold your family together when you are falling apart.

Happy Things

I've been so down lately, having a hard time forcing myself to do even the most basic things.  I need a reminder of reasons to smile.  

happy thing #1:  the sun remembered to shine this afternoon.  I watched my daughter walk all around the playground and go down the big slide all by herself.

happy thing #2:  all three of us went for a walk together, watching the moon rise.

happy thing #3:  Chipotle

happy thing #4:  Sofia has learned to jump on the trampoline.

happy thing #5:  I'm close to getting Sofia to say "Oh bah mah".  

A Week in Paradise

Life goes on. And on. We all must figure out how to go on within it.

To that end, we took a week just to be. To be together. To be alone. To be happy.

I'm not ready for this week to end (though I am still working--this would be much more relaxing if my work didn't keep enticing me back to the computer screen. I should be grateful, and I am, but if I am truthful, I'm also a bit spiteful.) There is a garden to be harvested, bursting with tomatoes, pumpkin, squash, raspberries, potatoes. There are grapes begging to be plucked off the vines. Juice and jellies to be made, pies to be eaten. Leaves to gather and woods to be hiked through, sheep to be watched and dogs to chase balls. A certain tot's grandparents to take care of us all.

Real life is waiting for us at home, but for now, we're relishing the fall; the beauty, the primal work, the bounty and the colors.

It feels good.

Sofia is beaming. At first her molars (damn the molars! ) caused her to wake hourly at night, and she could sense all the upheaval that had been our life. Now, she's walking everywhere, completely given up crawling. The Grandpa she'd been suspicious of since birth is now her best buddy. She loves watching the sheep and has figured out how to throw a ball for the dog. She's eating raspberries direct from the garden and discovered that she adores cherry tomatoes.

Life is good. [pictures to follow]