A Brighter (Storm-filled) Day

Okay, so as I knew while writing my last entry, though could not fathom in my conscious thought, being put on the waiting list is not the end of the world.  There are other plans, other options, other paths my life my take.  I will go on.  It still hurt, but it is not the end of me.

My 15-year-old cousin was in a terrible car wreck, head-on highway speed, a week and a half ago.  Miraculously, all three occupants of the car are alive, and more miraculously, Lori is home and walking and talking.  She's got a long road ahead of her, but she is a living miracle.  She is a fantastic runner, and earned a varsity letter and attended state last year, her first in track.  She was looking forward to this year's cross country team with excitement.  She's now been told that she can't run for six months.  A small worry when you've just survived something everyone thought should have killed you, but disappointing just the same.  Instead of being upset, this amazing girl is planning to volunteer with the team, and go with them to meets to cheer them on.  A true team player, a person whose Plan with a capital p was torn to shreds, yet still sees life as a journey to be enjoyed.

I'm searching job sites, combing hospital openings, seeking out possible apprenticeships.  I've applied for several jobs and looked into other avenues to become a nurse.  I might be down, but I'm not out.  I'm too good for that.  Life is a journey meant to be enjoyed.

Last year of twenty-something...

So, I turned 29. Twenty-nine.  2-9.  The last birthday that starts with twenty.

How?

Turns out, very happily.  Julio made me the most delicious chocolate cake I've even eaten in my life.  Seriously.  Like Sarah said, we can't even call it cake.  That would just make all the other cakes feel bad.  Also, to-die-for lamb chops on the grill.  I don't even want to think about all the calories I consumed on Saturday, only to remember that IT WAS WORTH IT.  We had a fantastic time playing Hoopla and just being together.  I am skipping into my thirtieth year, happy that I know my path and that I am where I belong.

In farm news, we have movement on the turkey front.  Not only did two hens lay an entire nest, they are both currently setting.  If all goes well, we should have poults in approximately 24 days!  We also have an incubator up and running for the turkey eggs we gathered before allowing the hens to build their nests.  We will put the eggs in tomorrow, and in 28 days, if we're lucky, we should have another batch of poults.  I'm so excited!  You should have seen how giddy I was the day I first found a turkey egg in their hut.  Seriously.

The trees are starting to blossom; the flower crab apple tree burst open its blooms this morning, while the cherry and apple trees are moving closer to full-on flowering.  A little early, but a beautiful sight to behold.

That Backbone of Mine

Remember my quest to grow a backbone?  Well, I'm making progress, but not exactly in the fashion I imagined.

I quit.  With no notice, nothing.  Just quit.  I had had enough.  More than enough, actually.

I don't want to get into too many details, since this is public, after all, but here I am, unemployed again.  I don't feel so lost this time, though.  There are a few directions I can go in, and some actual jobs that I qualify for.  I want to do Physician's Assistant school.  I will find a way, somehow.  Julio is more than supportive, and I love him for it.  Missy sent me flowers and a congratulations.  Everybody is happy for me.  I will be, too.

Now, I must wrest myself from the computer and go DO.  I have jobs to apply for, schools to research, and a house to clean.  My vacuum needs exercising.  I guess I do, too.

Just Keep Swimming

Life just keeps blowing past at tornado speed, and I'm just not sure how we got here.

Sofia is still plugging away at the true test of big-girl-ness, and doing very well.  She hasn't yet won her big present, but is managing to stay dry most of the time, and has, on occasion, remembered to put number two where it belongs.  Still working on that, but we are so proud of her!  She's pretty proud of herself, too.  Walk into our bathroom and see the jar of M&M's; you'll know we have a toddler in the house.

Speaking of the toddler, she really isn't much of a toddler anymore.  She's all big girl.  She talks in full sentences with correct grammar, with only some mistakes.  She still calls it "sesareet", macamoni and cheese, and doesn't quite understand the difference between he and she.  However, she can recognize most letters and numbers, and surprised me the other day by saying, "p, p, p, p, Polar starts with P!"  She counts in both languages (though fourteen is still her nemesis), and is really improving at putting together puzzles. She used to get so frustrated when she couldn't get it right the first time, but she really concentrates to figure it out now.  She has an imagination that doesn't quit.  I love her stories and silly games and watching her play with her stuffed animals and dolls in all sorts of ways.  She sleeps with a menagerie, complete with bear, puppy, pink blanket, deer, and 'sesareet' which includes each of Big Bird, Elmo, Abby, Cookie Monster, Grover, and Kermit.  She loves the toddler doll she got for Christmas, which she has dubbed Tigger.  She plays catch, and sometimes actually catches the ball!  She loves to run run run everywhere.  She's quite the kid.

Sarah, Sofia and I went to DC this past week during a snowstorm (seriously, they have more snow than we do-by a lot!) to meet baby Anika and spend time with Johanna.  My niece is so precious; we all adore her.  Sofia especially.  She held her and caressed her and talked to her and loved on her.  Truly heart-melting.

Life at the paper is...well...I'm looking into school.  I'm tired of the drama, tired of the poor management, tired of constantly being blamed.  She really thinks I should be able to do all the reporting in just a few hours, and should be able to finish the paper all by myself.  Mondays have been long lately (though not 2 or 3 am, which is wonderful), but she leaves almost two hours before I get to.  Then, if there is a mistake (which there invariably is because I've been there for 16 hours), I get blamed for it.  Completely frustrating.

School, however, remains an abstract.  There are waiting lists on waiting lists, and I am ineligible for financial aid for an ADN (associates degree in nursing) since I already have a bachelor's degree.  I'm considering Physician's Assistant school, but there doesn't appear to be a program within an hour and a half from home.

I'm just ready for spring.  Everything feels better when there is sunshine and green grass outside.  

The Simple Life

I like the simple life.  Being able to do dishes with my husband is the kind of luxury you miss when working a million hours a week, coupled with said husband working pm shifts. 
We got to do dishes together last night.  After eating together, watching football together, taking our Christmas tree down together, playing with our daughter together.  Normal, every day kind of stuff.  The kind of stuff that really gets missed when you don't take the time to do it.
It was a great evening.
I like the simple life.  I like to be able to do laundry and vacuum and cook and read a magazine in the morning and perhaps a book at night.  I like just sitting on the floor playing toys with my daughter.  I really like being home.
I've learned that about myself relatively recently.  Don't get me wrong, I love adventure and traveling and going out and doing something.  But I love to be home, doing simple, normal things. 
Part of this change is to allow me to have that time, to be the mom I want to be; a mom with time for the normal stuff.  I want my daughter to get sick of me, not to constantly miss me. 
I've got the number to call to start LPN classes.  I'm going to do it, today. 
We celebrated Kings' Day yesterday, the Parra tradition.  It didn't get to be all day, like it should be, since I worked until 3 pm.  The kings were lazy, apparently, because they didn't make it under our tree until after dinner time, but Sofia was thrilled nonetheless.  Los Reyes brought her stacks of books, which she actually seemed to like.  I was extremely proud, too, that when she saw a few presents under the tree, she passed them out to her daddy and me, and then asked if there was one for her.  Sharing.  What a gem.
We got the tree taken down, we ate our lasagna and lemon meringue pie, drank our hot chocolate with candy canes, and even uncorked a bottle of wine. 
We don't get as much family time, all of us together as we should.  It was much needed.

Another New Start

One year ago, we left the home we were building, jobless and hopeless, trying to find the optimism of the journey to come.  I was finally going to find my dream, to listen for my calling and fulfill my vocation.  And then life stepped in.  I began, got my CNA, and then a full-time job.  The prospect of having an actual paycheck was powerful, and I dropped the school ball.  Then, I started working at the newspaper, and truly enjoyed it, especially at first.  I wasn't making much money, but perhaps community news would be my calling.  I stopped thinking of school.
After a while, though, I figured out I was being used.  There really is no future here, not one that looks like my calling. I was getting angry, and losing time with my family.
The New Year came, and I found my nerve.  Told my boss and my friend how I was feeling. And I took a leap.
I start part-time as soon as our new employee can begin.  I'm losing a large portion of income, and am scared at how we are going to survive. The fear is outweighed by the prospect of continuing the dream I let slide by.
Maybe not.  I'm still scared.  I am looking forward, however, to actually getting in school, to actually listening to my calling, assuming I know what it is.
It begins now.  I am tired of each year passing, time going through my fingers.  I'm not getting older, I don't get these days back.  I'm about to turn 29 years old.  It's got to start now.
So, I'm dusting off my pencils, digging out my backpack.  Whee!

Day One

So, the very first day of the year, and resolution number one started.

And I'm scared shitless.

That's okay.  I told her.  I told her that I am being overworked, that I need more consideration, that I don't like the way she's treating me.

And got hung up on.  No, I'm not kidding.

And then dealt not with the boss, but with her husband.  Until two hours ago, when they both came over and we had a 'meeting'.  They had listened to my concerns, and had responses for them, though they still think I should be able to do it all and think I have time management problems.  Whatever.

I think I am going to be part time, reporter and layout only.  I am going to get back to what I meant to do a year ago; go back to school.  Hopefully, I'll take Julio with me.  I'm not sure how we'll swing it financially, but somehow we'll manage.

A New Day

Sometimes things look better in the morning.  Nothing has resolved, all the problems are still there, but I have something better. 

We had our Dia de Los Reyes celebration, and celebrate we did.  We had pan de jamon, key lime pie, and lots of laughs.  Sofia helped take down the tree, and carefully placed each ornament back in the boxes, and we talked about the story each one holds.  The Kings brought her a tricycle, which she pushes around, climbing into the seat, saying "Peeeeeeese".  We drive around the livingroom, laughing and zooming.   Sofia's baby gets a turn.

Julio and I sat on the couch, watching Sofia play.  She played with her farm, dancing the the tractor's song (don't ask).  She carefully holds her baby, rocking her and kissing her, then placing her in the cradle, covering her up, rocking her, saying "Nigh Night".  

This girl, this family.  

It's better than I could ever have imagined.  Her kisses and smiles, her laughs and giggles, each new word, each new discovery, each moment is perfect.  

We're still moving in with my parents.  Our house is still in danger of foreclosure (keep hoping for that short sale), we are still unemployed.  We're formulating a plan, that I'm hoping with all my might comes to fruition and makes us  better off in the long run.  

No matter what happens, though, as long as we have each other, we'll be okay.  

and...one more time

It's a new year and a new chance.  Right?  I get a second chance at this blogging thing?  You know, with actual posting of actual ideas and thoughts and shit?  If I have any of those, that is.

So.  Not much has happened since my last post, and I haven't been able to think beyond tomorrow and how we're going to eat and survive.  I spend each minute trying not to fall apart and wrestling with that knot in my stomach which so far, I haven't untied.  

It might be looser.  I may be closer.

We are losing the house.  We can't find jobs here, we can't make mortgage, and we owe more than the house is currently worth.  We are signing with a realtor and hoping for a short sale which should leave us clean and avoid foreclosure.  And if we have to foreclose, we foreclose.  Being a grown-up sucks donkey balls. (Grown-ups are allowed to use that phrase still, right?  Please tell me grown-ups are still allowed to use that phrase, because if not, I give up right now.  Yes?  Good.  Continue on.)

We're planning on a move.  Two possibilities, one more likely than the other.  It is scary, thinking of starting over again, this time with a child.  I want things to be perfect, right here, right now.  But they aren't.  There are problems beyond just the job thing.  It isn't like a move will leave all the troubles here behind us, but there are advantages to the new location that might help.  

There is the possibility of school.  I'm hoping to go to nursing school sometime in the next two years.  I've been waiting for my vocation since I graduated undergrad, and just haven't felt it.  Nothing seemed right, nothing called to me, so I remained stuck in my mundane, go-nowhere job letting life slip me by.  I think I've finally found it, though.  I've heard the voice telling me that this is my path.  

So.  I guess this post doesn't qualify as thoughts and ideas so much as catch up.  I'll get there, I promise.  Right now, I just need to keep on swimming, keep on swimming.  Even if that swimming doesn't seem like much, it just might take me where I need to go.

Filler

I don't have much to say.  Truly.  Bad news gets boring quickly, and unfortunately, we're very boring over here.

There have been bright spots, when I can ignore the elephant in the room.  Christmas is coming, after all, and a certain tot needs to know the magic of the season.  

So, I promise I haven't forgotten about my blog and my writing ambitions.  They are just on hold until my brain can think something other than "DOOM!"

Thanksgiving

I'm aware that this is a day early, but I'll probably not have time tomorrow, and Thanksgiving is very important.  The holiday and the sentiment.

Though times are tough and I'm in tears more than I laugh right now, I have much to be grateful for.  Especially in times like this, I need to remember and remind myself of all the blessings in my life and to be thankful.

Thanksgiving is knowing that we're not entitled anything.  Nothing is deserved, nothing is earned.  Every single blessing is a blessing to be grateful for.  If this weren't the truth, then people who work themselves to the bone every day wouldn't lose their babies to malaria, wouldn't get HIV, wouldn't have to deal with drought and famine.  If this weren't true, then people full of love and devotion and integrity wouldn't have lost their lives, their loved ones, their everything in a tsunami, a hurricane, an earthquake.  If this weren't true, everyone in the world would have equal opportunity; nobody would be born on third base thinking they've hit a triple (kudos to whoever said that first; I love it), nobody would give their all and end up short.  If this weren't true, disease would only strike those who have only done bad in their life and babies wouldn't die before they are born.

So I am grateful.  Grateful for every day the sun shines, grateful for the warmth inside my house, grateful for every smile that passes my lips.

My blessings are endless, and my cup truly runneth over, even if that is hard to see at times.

My Sofia.  The little miracle that hugs and kisses me everyday.  The blessing that I say 'thank you' to the universe for daily.  

My Julio.  I've known true love, true passion, romance and friendship.  For every day we're together, for our past and our future, I'm grateful.

My Family.  My incredible, unique, wonderful sisters.  We may have argued as children, but they really are the most fun, best support I could ask for.  I'm blessed and grateful.   I was raised by the very best parents.  My extended family of aunts and cousins and grandparents, my family-in-law; all interesting and loving and a blessing.  We are so lucky to have families we love so much that we have to be sad that we don't see them as often as we'd like.  Gratitude.

Those are the obvious, the top three of any list.  Yet there are so many more, endless blessings.

The smell of mint underfoot in a frozen prairie.  The feel of a warm, furry puppy in my lap.  The sun shining on the fresh snow.  The birds at my feeder.  The health of those I love.  The talents I have.

My Friends.  Oh, my friends. Though they be scattered across the world, I am so grateful for the support and the love.  Though some have been lost, none will be forgotten. 

Music.  Laughter.  Love.  Sunshine.  Wind.  Rain.  Snow.  Leaves.  Trees.  Everything.

Happy Thanksgiving.  My heart is full.

That's my girl.

We went to a party last night, just Sofie and me.  We had wine and orange juice for the under 3 set.  We talked to adults and a certain someone charmed the pants off of every woman there.  And we had chocolate.  Oh, yes.  Sofia can not get enough of the chocolate.  She knows exactly what a candy wrapper looks like, and even ventured into the arms of Unknown Man (aka Uncle Bob) to get her hands on some M&Ms.  

That's my girl.

It is good to get out of the house once in awhile and just pretend that everything is okay.  It is hard work remembering all the bad luck and crap all the time, holding it up and clutching desperately at straws to hold it all together before it all hits a fan and is scattered.  Setting that load down is hard to do, but essential for sanity.  That's what last night's party was supposed to be.  And for the most part, it was.  I laughed and smiled and chatted.  However, small talk with people you don't see all that often inevitably starts with this question:  How are you?  Usually, that's not a big deal, not a tough question to answer.  And I could just lie.  Say we're fine, thanks so much, and how are you?  But I'm not a good liar, even little white-conversation-saver lies.  My eyes tear up and I muster a "We're okay" response and then look away quickly.

With any amount of luck and a lot of hard work, we'll be okay.  Someday, I won't feel like I'm drowning, that water is closing in on me from every direction and I don't have any idea which way up is, and even if I knew that, I couldn't find the shore to get out of this danger anyway.  I'll have my life in control and I'll feel just happy.  Someday.  

But not today.  Today, I have to seek out those moments.  Those times when I can just sip wine and set down the burdens of the day.  Times when M&Ms are the only thing that I need to smile.  

So, it is almost official. I told my boss that I am leaving. Papers still need signing, but for all purposes, it is done.

I'm terrified. What have I done? Left my family with no income? And I gambling my daughter's well being for my own selfish reasons? Will we make it through this?

I'm relieved. Living life means taking risks, and I want to live my life again, not just be in it. I want to live deliberately, do what I want, find who I am. I can't do that here. I'm showing my daughter that she deserves the right to find out what makes her go, to change when things are working, to be fully present in her life. I need to lead by example.

I'm scared, but optimistic. I've already signed up to volunteer on November 4th, getting out the vote. Never before have I been so certain in our need for President Obama. When you are faced with the prospect of no health insurance and no income, it would help to know that there is a government behind you who wants to help. Something there to catch your fall and help you get back up.

Now, I need to go dust off that interview suit and find the courage that I know I have somewhere around here.

Getting Up

Okay, I'm getting on my feet and standing up.
I've got my resume mostly done.
I have a few jobs I can apply for.
I have several contacts that I can network with, hopefully leading to a job.

I haven't been happy at this job for awhile, now. I wrote something months ago that I want to share here:
My heart hurts. It is never where it wants to be, where it should be. My heart is in a constant three-way tug-of-war with my brain and reality and it never seems to win. Too many shoulds and have tos must do nows to leave room for silly things like dreams, creating, loving. Naivety. How I wish it was reality. I wish I could just live my life, live it like I want to. There’s always a tether holding me to reality whenever my feet think of leaving the floor. Money. I can’t do what I want to without money. I can’t have money without work. I can’t do what I want to and work at the same time. A circle the tortures me. I see pictures—my happy, smiling baby. The tiny newborn pictures make way for the sitting, standing pictures. They frame my desk, my wall, are etched on my heart. My soul longs for the comfort of her touch, the stickiness of her hands, the fullness of her laughter. I want to take walks, go to the playground, plant a garden. I want to do laundry, play peek-a-boo, pet the dog. I want to talk in babbles, teach ABCs and splash in rain puddles. I want crafts and colors, messes and baths, dancing and battles of wills. I want to learn to sew with her, to teach her to play piano, to just BE.
Instead, I labor over spreadsheets. I discover problems and create problems. I curse at my computer screen. I yearn for five o’clock so I can go home and begin my day. My life is lived between 5 and 10 pm on weekdays and on weekends. Seems like a lot of hours to be only existing, yet not really living.

I'm going to use this as an opportunity. An opportunity to get off my butt and take a risk. It is making me take a risk. I'll get a job, any job, I don't care, and keep looking for what I really want to do, what will make me happy at home AND at work. Maybe I'll go so school, maybe I'll figure out exactly who I am and what my place is in this world.I have friends. I have family. I am cared for and loved. We won't starve, and even in the worst case scenario, we won't be homeless. Life will move on. I will move on, and be better for it.

Little Miss McDonald on her Farm

Here's the promised pictures of our week away.

Positivity

I've been fresh out of ideas about anything, lately. Life keeps coming full-speed and thinking about anything other than what's for dinner, what errands need running before getting home and playing on the floor with puzzles and books with a certain 1 year old has been pushed to the side. So, when I found a challenge at Zoot's I thought I'd play along.

In the midst of all the polarity and politics and general crankiness, what makes you happy? What caused a laugh or a smile or a feeling of contentedness?

1. My dog eating flies. We had the screen door open this weekend, and it is a hoot to watch my lab hunt flies. Seriously funny.

2. My little girl walking across the livingroom, then divebombing into my arms in a fit of glee.

3. Trying to salsa with my husband in the kitchen. Except that the music was technically merengue.

4. Having morning coffee on the new chairs on my deck.

5. The fact that I have worked out every day this week.

6. Barak Obama (you know I had to be a little political)

7. Rocking my sweaty, sleepy, cuddly baby to sleep.

8. Raspberry jello

9. The thought of seeing not only my parents and sister this weekend, but also some very dear friends.

10. Choosing to be happy.