and...one more time

It's a new year and a new chance.  Right?  I get a second chance at this blogging thing?  You know, with actual posting of actual ideas and thoughts and shit?  If I have any of those, that is.

So.  Not much has happened since my last post, and I haven't been able to think beyond tomorrow and how we're going to eat and survive.  I spend each minute trying not to fall apart and wrestling with that knot in my stomach which so far, I haven't untied.  

It might be looser.  I may be closer.

We are losing the house.  We can't find jobs here, we can't make mortgage, and we owe more than the house is currently worth.  We are signing with a realtor and hoping for a short sale which should leave us clean and avoid foreclosure.  And if we have to foreclose, we foreclose.  Being a grown-up sucks donkey balls. (Grown-ups are allowed to use that phrase still, right?  Please tell me grown-ups are still allowed to use that phrase, because if not, I give up right now.  Yes?  Good.  Continue on.)

We're planning on a move.  Two possibilities, one more likely than the other.  It is scary, thinking of starting over again, this time with a child.  I want things to be perfect, right here, right now.  But they aren't.  There are problems beyond just the job thing.  It isn't like a move will leave all the troubles here behind us, but there are advantages to the new location that might help.  

There is the possibility of school.  I'm hoping to go to nursing school sometime in the next two years.  I've been waiting for my vocation since I graduated undergrad, and just haven't felt it.  Nothing seemed right, nothing called to me, so I remained stuck in my mundane, go-nowhere job letting life slip me by.  I think I've finally found it, though.  I've heard the voice telling me that this is my path.  

So.  I guess this post doesn't qualify as thoughts and ideas so much as catch up.  I'll get there, I promise.  Right now, I just need to keep on swimming, keep on swimming.  Even if that swimming doesn't seem like much, it just might take me where I need to go.

That's my girl.

We went to a party last night, just Sofie and me.  We had wine and orange juice for the under 3 set.  We talked to adults and a certain someone charmed the pants off of every woman there.  And we had chocolate.  Oh, yes.  Sofia can not get enough of the chocolate.  She knows exactly what a candy wrapper looks like, and even ventured into the arms of Unknown Man (aka Uncle Bob) to get her hands on some M&Ms.  

That's my girl.

It is good to get out of the house once in awhile and just pretend that everything is okay.  It is hard work remembering all the bad luck and crap all the time, holding it up and clutching desperately at straws to hold it all together before it all hits a fan and is scattered.  Setting that load down is hard to do, but essential for sanity.  That's what last night's party was supposed to be.  And for the most part, it was.  I laughed and smiled and chatted.  However, small talk with people you don't see all that often inevitably starts with this question:  How are you?  Usually, that's not a big deal, not a tough question to answer.  And I could just lie.  Say we're fine, thanks so much, and how are you?  But I'm not a good liar, even little white-conversation-saver lies.  My eyes tear up and I muster a "We're okay" response and then look away quickly.

With any amount of luck and a lot of hard work, we'll be okay.  Someday, I won't feel like I'm drowning, that water is closing in on me from every direction and I don't have any idea which way up is, and even if I knew that, I couldn't find the shore to get out of this danger anyway.  I'll have my life in control and I'll feel just happy.  Someday.  

But not today.  Today, I have to seek out those moments.  Those times when I can just sip wine and set down the burdens of the day.  Times when M&Ms are the only thing that I need to smile.  

Getting Up

Okay, I'm getting on my feet and standing up.
I've got my resume mostly done.
I have a few jobs I can apply for.
I have several contacts that I can network with, hopefully leading to a job.

I haven't been happy at this job for awhile, now. I wrote something months ago that I want to share here:
My heart hurts. It is never where it wants to be, where it should be. My heart is in a constant three-way tug-of-war with my brain and reality and it never seems to win. Too many shoulds and have tos must do nows to leave room for silly things like dreams, creating, loving. Naivety. How I wish it was reality. I wish I could just live my life, live it like I want to. There’s always a tether holding me to reality whenever my feet think of leaving the floor. Money. I can’t do what I want to without money. I can’t have money without work. I can’t do what I want to and work at the same time. A circle the tortures me. I see pictures—my happy, smiling baby. The tiny newborn pictures make way for the sitting, standing pictures. They frame my desk, my wall, are etched on my heart. My soul longs for the comfort of her touch, the stickiness of her hands, the fullness of her laughter. I want to take walks, go to the playground, plant a garden. I want to do laundry, play peek-a-boo, pet the dog. I want to talk in babbles, teach ABCs and splash in rain puddles. I want crafts and colors, messes and baths, dancing and battles of wills. I want to learn to sew with her, to teach her to play piano, to just BE.
Instead, I labor over spreadsheets. I discover problems and create problems. I curse at my computer screen. I yearn for five o’clock so I can go home and begin my day. My life is lived between 5 and 10 pm on weekdays and on weekends. Seems like a lot of hours to be only existing, yet not really living.

I'm going to use this as an opportunity. An opportunity to get off my butt and take a risk. It is making me take a risk. I'll get a job, any job, I don't care, and keep looking for what I really want to do, what will make me happy at home AND at work. Maybe I'll go so school, maybe I'll figure out exactly who I am and what my place is in this world.I have friends. I have family. I am cared for and loved. We won't starve, and even in the worst case scenario, we won't be homeless. Life will move on. I will move on, and be better for it.

In Need of Sleep

Isn't is amazing how not sleeping very well throws everything into the realm of DOOM! HELP! SUCKS! the sun will never shine again!

Sofia has a cold. Not a cold that affects her during the day, save for some sniffles and a mama that is constantly running after her with a tissue, but a cold that disrupts her sleep and makes her feel crummy. Know what a baby does when she feels crummy and doesn't know why and can't sleep? She makes sure the whole house knows it.
We heard her begin to whimper last night (mind you, this is the fourth or fifth night of this) and laid in bed still, our ears piqued hoping that the cries wouldn't escalate and the little angel would put herself back to sleep. Cries continue, paper/rock/scissors to determine who has to actually GET UP to fetch her. Of course, she wants to nurse. She always wants to nurse. Forever. Listening to a stuffy kid nurse is not very calming and now I have booger on my boob. Sweet.
So, we used to co-sleep. I liked it. Until Sofia didn't. Now she kicks, moves, wiggles, farts, nurses, bites, talks, and all other sorts of non-approved-nighttime activities when in bed with us. None of us sleep. But the energy required to put her back in her bed and deal with the inevitable aforementioned crying of the feeling-crummy-toddler equals more than the lazy solution of just dealing with her where she is.
So, all this = very little sleep.
Fast forward to this afternoon. I imagine we are not the only family with financial stresses, nor are we the only family dealing with difficult things. I swear, though, one little straw fell, and I hit the floor. Doom! Drama! Poor me! Break out that violin, folks, for I have the worst sob story.
After a few minutes of literally forced, relaxed breathing, a latte and some reality, I have officially calmed down.
And planned some sleepy time for me this weekend. Because you simply can't hold your family together when you are falling apart.