Mid-January Check-up

The month of January is half over, which is a good time for New Year's Resolution monitoring.
Number one resolution:  grow a backbone.  On this front, I'm succeeding, mostly.  Little by little, anyway.  I stood up for myself, and am continuing to stand up for myself at my current job.  That is good.  There is room for improvement, however.  I need to be able to keep that backbone, and transfer it to other situations.  Like moving forward, for instance.  I need to make two phone calls that I'm scared to make.  One to the technical college where I hope to enroll as soon as possible, and the other to the county to see if we can possibly keep our badgercare insurance, especially now that I am moving to part time and becoming a student.  Hopefully.  Goal:  By the middle of next week, have made both of those phone calls, with movement toward action.

Number two resolution:  the perpetual 'lose 30 pounds' resolution.  That one isn't going so well.  I have a sweet tooth that you wouldn't believe.  I crave fat, sugar, and all things bad for me.  I don't make time for exercise. 
I can do this.  I can take control of myself, control my cravings and get my butt in gear, literally.  I always feel better when I exercise, so why is it so hard to motivate to do?  It shouldn't be.
Goals for this week:  1)  Drink water all day.  That will help to curb my fake hunger.  Perhaps, when craving a snack-upon, drink a glass of water first.  2)  Just say no.  Recognize the cravings, then remember how much I'd like to lose this extra weight.  How I hate to look at pictures of myself.  How I want to not feel fat.  And, 3) Exercise each day.  Even if just a little.  10 minute walk here, 10 minutes of jumping on the trampoline there.  Just something. 
Humph.  Not half an hour later, and I'm eating at tootsie roll.  Boo.  But, I did get a glass of water.  Step one.  I'll enjoy this little morsel and move on.

Perhaps Progress?

I'm knocking on wood and keeping my lips sealed, but perhaps there is progresss in the you-know-what?



Remember being about 5 years old and thinking the the days couldn't go any slower, that your birthday would never get here, that Christmas was years away, and you totally didn't believe your mom when she told you that someday, life would go by much faster?

Yeah, well, I believe my mom now.
How in the hell is it Friday already? I haven't done even the bare minimum on my to-do list this week, and it is already time to start it again. We have company coming tonight (who might beat me home) and the sheets on the guest bed need changing, the floors need vacuuming, there is a laundry back-up, and both bathrooms need cleaning. Boo. Can't time just slow down a little bit? I mean, not so I get to enjoy the infancy of my daughter or spend hours laughing with my spouse, or to use time to figure out how to fix health care or world peace or something. No, just so I can get housework done. Priorities, people.

I have been taking time for me, or at least attempting. This is hard in a world where Monday seems to come right after Wednesday, when July feels like Christmas is just around the corner (and seriously, it is! and there is so much to do!) I have successfully managed to take at least half an hour a day for myself, to work out for myself 6 days this week. That is a milestone. It is liberating to be able to walk without singing "Itsy Bitsy Spider" while doing the motions and pushing a stroller trying to entertain an increasingly fussy infant who is done with the walk before I am (picture that on a busy street, passing lots of people. entertaining, it is not). Sometimes, I even have thoughts of my own. Or at least time for my brain to relax.

Why, then, do I feel selfish if Sofia has woken up already when it is time for my walk? Because I do. And most times, I take her, and I want to take her. I wish I had the luxury of needing to get away from her, but I don't. The hours I'm at work are away from her as I have to be. That's probably why we haven't really gotten a babysitter or had a date (we HAVE had a date. three times. In one year). Any minute of home time not spent with my daughter is a waste of precious, precious time.

So, I'm back to begging the universe for just one more day a week. Couldn't the Earth turn just a little slower? Give me one more day for to be with my daughter?
Or vacuum. Dog hair doesn't clean itself, you know.

Starting Again (again)

Today, I actually woke up and got my walk in before I went to work. Of course, I left for said walk an hour and a half later than I'd planned, but still. Awake and walking before the baby woke up. Go me.
I love taking walks with Sofia. I love running with Sofia in the stroller. However, it is rather hard to maintain correct form while pushing a stroller or with a baby on your back. So, by waking up in the morning, I can run by myself, walk using my exercise poles, actually swing my arms and not worry if Sofia dropped her pacifier, or if she's too cold, or if she's getting sunburned. I'm proud that I actually did it, and plan on doing it every morning.
I'm starting again. For real. Again. I am going to do this. I am going to get in shape.
My friend Melissa (a crazy runner--I mean, she did a 10 K the day before her daughter was born) is going to help me train for a 5-10K run. I mean, not a huge goal, but a goal nonetheless, and if someone is giving me assignments, or meeting me someplace, I can't bail. No excuses.
So, I'm fighting the urge to get a chocolate bar and the need for a mid-afternoon sugar rush. I'm choosing to go get some water, and to sit my butt on that exercise ball I keep at work. Maybe I'll do some crunches while I'm there.
There will be progress. Yes, I can.

Finding Motivation

So, how does one find motivation?

I'm falling off my work-out wagon again. My get-skinny-before-getting-pregnant-again agenda. I always have an excuse, and most of them are valid! I'm tired. It is dark. The mosquitoes are bad. Sofia woke up three times last night. I have to work late. My sports bras are all dirty. I'll do it later. I'll be better tomorrow. And all of a sudden tomorrow becomes next week and you realize you haven't been on a walk/run in over 7 days. That you are slacking.

So, I need to find my motivation. That part inside of myself that wants this, for me. That wants that extra flubber off my middle and wants to put on a swimming suit and not dash for the cover-up. The me that glances in the mirror and sees what she remembers.

I need to make the time for me. I feel guilty whenever I take a minute to do something that isn't for the house, or for my daughter, or for my husband, or for my dog, or for my extended family, or for a friend, or for my work. Something that benefits ME. When I go for a walk, I always take my daughter. Why? Because she likes it. Because I need time with her. Because I like it. But it is also not just for me that way. When I search for motivation, I think first of how I want my husband to see me (though he always tells me I'm beautiful, and I know he always means it) how I looked when we met. Because that way this journey is also for him, not just for me.

Why is it so hard for me to recognize that I need this? That it is mine, that my health and my self-confidence are what is at stake?

I think moms could do with being more selfish sometimes. In the end, a happy well-rounded mother benefits everyone.

A New Journey

I'm on a new mission, and I need whatever help I can get. I'm ready to no longer consider myself overweight.
I'm not certain that I'm ready for what that entails. You know, all the right choices. The will power, the continuity of it all. The fact that eating right today doesn't make up for yesterday. Working out this week doesn't excuse you from next week. Forever.
But it isn't just weight.
It is health.
I am basically a healthy person, but I want to stay that way. I want activity and fun to be part of my life for the rest of my life. I want to pass that love of activity on to my children. Sedentary moms just aren't as fun.
So, I'm making choices. I'm trying. I don't always succeed; sometimes I do. I need to make the successes happen more often than the mistakes.
I need a goal. Perhaps one that isn't weight-related. I'm on the prowl for a 5 k or a 10 k.
Please to ignore the coke I just drank.