A Brighter (Storm-filled) Day

Okay, so as I knew while writing my last entry, though could not fathom in my conscious thought, being put on the waiting list is not the end of the world.  There are other plans, other options, other paths my life my take.  I will go on.  It still hurt, but it is not the end of me.

My 15-year-old cousin was in a terrible car wreck, head-on highway speed, a week and a half ago.  Miraculously, all three occupants of the car are alive, and more miraculously, Lori is home and walking and talking.  She's got a long road ahead of her, but she is a living miracle.  She is a fantastic runner, and earned a varsity letter and attended state last year, her first in track.  She was looking forward to this year's cross country team with excitement.  She's now been told that she can't run for six months.  A small worry when you've just survived something everyone thought should have killed you, but disappointing just the same.  Instead of being upset, this amazing girl is planning to volunteer with the team, and go with them to meets to cheer them on.  A true team player, a person whose Plan with a capital p was torn to shreds, yet still sees life as a journey to be enjoyed.

I'm searching job sites, combing hospital openings, seeking out possible apprenticeships.  I've applied for several jobs and looked into other avenues to become a nurse.  I might be down, but I'm not out.  I'm too good for that.  Life is a journey meant to be enjoyed.

Wanted: A New Plan

Warning:  this entry is rated R due to offensive language.  Please avert eyes if that sort of thing offends you.

I've been waiting for June 30 for a long time, ever since my phone interview with the nursing school a month and a half ago.  The 30th came a day early over here, and...not good.  

I ran to the mailbox like I do every day lately, just to check.  Today, and envelope!  From UW-Oshkosh!  Yay!  Then, fuck.  This envelope is skinny.  That's not good.  Tear open to flap, skim the skimpy little letter with a desperate hope that this was just the first of two or something.  No such luck.  "Thank you so much for applying...the program is highly competitive, blah blah blabbity blah.  Waiting list." 

So that's that.  The fucking waiting list.  Accepted applicants have until July 9 to secure their spot.  After that, they might offer entry to someone on the waiting list.  Only, how many are on this sucky-ass waiting list?  How many usually get accepted after being on the waiting list?  Does being on the waiting list give me any sort of benefit for future attempts, or is basically a 'it's not you, it's me thing, where everybody knows that "waiting list"  is code for NOT FUCKING ACCEPTED, stop wasting your time and your hope.'

What now?  

This has been my Plan with a capital P.  This was going to save me and my family from poverty, give my life meaning, propel me forward.  I had a Plan.

Now I'm floundering again.  I'm almost 30 for crissake, and I still am applying to and getting rejected from jobs where the only requirement is 'high school graduate.'  

I spent a lot of time this afternoon feeling sorry for myself, and am currently drowning my sorrows in a glass of red wine.  Tomorrow, I have to start anew.  Apply for jobs.  Update the resume.  Search.

What do I do now?  What the fuck do I do now?

Brilliant

Today, Sofia and I created a masterpiece.  It is my mom's birthday tomorrow, and I thought it would be fun for Sofia to paint a terra cotta pot for her.  She loves to paint, Mom loves plants, perfect solution.
And it was.  The pot looks fabulous.  Sofia carefully chose just the right colors and painted a beautiful pot. It looks great.  We even put two little handprints, which Sofie thought was just the greatest.  And then we put a plant inside.   You know, the kind with dirt and water.  Water.
Now the pot is sticky.  It still looks great, but you can. not. touch. the. pot.  Turns out, the washable kids paint that is so great because it never stains her clothes, making clean-up a breeze also washes off pretty well after it's been dried.  On a terra cotta pot.  I think instead of making a present for Grandma, we created a mess.
Brilliant.

A sibling, someday

I know this may seem counterintuitive based on my recent complaining and complete lack of patience, but I am so ready to have another baby.

and I know.  I KNOW.  We aren't ready.  The timing isn't right.  I need to finish school first, and I'm excited for that part.  I just wish I didn't have to wait.

I see pictures of siblings, and I tear up inside.  I watch a kid Sofie's age love on their younger brother or sister, I hear stories of kids playing together, fighting together, growing up together and I feel like Sofia's missing out. I feel that I am missing out.  I am missing those souls that belong in our family that haven't yet arrived.

I'm afraid that not having a sibling, not having to share, having four adults dote on her at all times is making Sofia spoiled.  She's the ultimate only child.  Yet, is that a bad thing?  Two of my best friends are only children, and they are the most thoughtful, generous, loving, interesting, wonderful people I know.  They have both said that part of them at different points in their lives has wished that they'd had a brother or sister.  Who among us, though, hasn't at one point wondered what it would be like if we had less siblings?  Or no siblings?

I wonder about my future child often.  I think of names, I wonder how he or she will be different from Sofia.  Will they be similar in some ways? What characteristics will make the new baby unique?  I wonder about the age difference.  Will five or six years be too many?  Will Sofia and he/she be close?  Will they still be able to play together?

And I wonder, terrified, if there will be another baby. Will we have the same problems we had before?  Will we try and try and have our hearts ripped out over and over again, never to be blessed with another miracle?  That nagging miscarriage fear is always there.  Am I strong enough to lose three more babies?

My family is not complete, and I yearn for those souls yet to come.  I have to trust that they'll come when their time is right.

Worth it

and then, after a day when I felt like my daughter would hate me forever, she wraps her precious little arms around my neck, gives me a loud smooch, and says, "Mommy, you're my best friend."

and you are mine, Sofie.

Crabby Days

It's not been a very good few days around here.

I'm not sure which came first, but the effect is the same.  Sofia is crabby.  Whiney.  Negative.  Whiney.  Grouchy.  Whiney.  Sad.  Did I mention whiney?
I have zero patience.  Everything makes me crazy.  I yell.  I pout.  I try to keep from crying and count to ten.  I try to remember that she's two, that we're both fighting a cold, that this is completely normal.  And then I yell again.

I hate the mother I'm becoming, at least right now.  I can't seem to get anything done, and the things I am able to do, nothing goes right.  I hate when I lose my temper, when my patience is thin and I'm always just a step away from the end of my rope.

What of this will she remember?  I've always thought of myself as a good mom, a patient mom, a mom that doesn't yell, that thinks of fun things to do, that loves her child more than life itself and would never want to send her to the moon, even for the day.  But lately, when my first attempts at fixing the situation don't work, my next attempts are less than effective.  Getting frustrated is guaranteed not the perk my daughter out of her bad mood.

Being a stay-at-home mom is tough.  Having been both a work-outside the home mom and a stay at home mom, both present their own challenges.  When I worked full-time, being with Sofia was my respite, my me time.  I was over-joyed just to be with her, and to do the things that need doing at home.  Since I hadn't been with her all day, all I wanted to do was play toys, do fun things, and enjoy my girl.  It was incredibly difficult to leave each morning, especially the mornings when Sofia hadn't woken up yet.  I hated that I was missing her life, that she was growing up and I wasn't a part of most of her day-to-days.  It was so hard to get everything done that a mom needs to do at home, and remaining productive at work was difficult.  My heart and mind were elsewhere.

Now, I get to be home with my girl.  I see her almost every waking moment, and I do cherish it.  There is always lots to get done around the house and at the farm, and I'm never bored.  I love having the time with Sofia, and I know she likes having me around.  However, because I am  here all day, I sometimes miss the moments of playing and imagining because I'm busy with dishes or lambs or vacuuming or everything else that needs to get done.  Because I don't get a respite, my temper gets short.  My crabby days get multiplied because I don't have an outlet away from Sofia.

So, today I made more of an effort to do fun things together.  We created an on-line book, found Sesame Street coloring pages, and tried to do a craft together.  For about five minutes, it was great.  Then, the whining, crying, say-no-so-everything behavior started.  Again.  And I feel like a failure.

So, we'll count to ten, read stories, and just make it through today.  Perhaps tomorrow will be better.

Return of the Sun

Well, the sun has made its reappearance, and we couldn't be happier.  Julio and I snuck out with Sofia to the lake this morning, said hello to a family of geese and went down the slide more times than I can count.
We do have a little diva in the making, which I am trying so hard to nip in the bud.  She is constantly bossing everybody around.  Close the windows. I want Mommy to drive.  I don't want you to wear your glasses.  No, that's my mommy.
Life isn't all about you, little chick.  I know we've made it seem that way since the minute you were born, because we do love you more than life itself and would actually do anything for you and want to give you every single thing you want.  Really, we do.  Thing is, though, that not everybody else does.  People are going to tell you no.  You will be rejected, probably teased, and stepped on a little bit.  You are going to have rainy days when you wanted sun.  Things just don't always go your way.  And while I want you to fight for what is right and stand up for yourself, there are times you are just going to have to go with the flow.  And like the waterfall that you couldn't turn off because it was too loud, you cannot control where that flow flows.  Life's wild like that.  Unfortunately, it isn't all about you.

March and May

I think March and May definitely got confused this month.  While in March, we donned shorts, waded in lakes and counted our blessings in degrees, so far this May, rain gear and snow boots have been the attire.  The very day lambing began, so did the onslaught of cold, rain and wind.  And snow.  Baby lambs do not like cold, rain, and wind.  Or snow.
We're up to our eyeballs in cold baby lambs, and in our haste to protect them from the oncoming storm, we moved a momma and new baby that were bonded well in the field up into the barn, only to find the baby electrocuted by the fencer.  Lesson learned and fencer switched off, but too late.  I seriously gave the compusling baby CPR, and then cried.  Its poor mother has sat, unmoved by its little stiff body, in the rain.
But, today is a new day, though just as blustery.  Another mom had more babies than she can feed, and the poor, lamb-less mama is the proud adoptive mother of one of the other babies.
Last evening, Sofia spent five hours with Grandpa and me out in the fields, trying to sort out babies and mamas and bring everyone to dry and safety.  She was such a good girl, patient and quiet, calm and observant.  We had to assist several moms give birth, and she asked, calmly, "Did that lambie die?" Thankfully, that time, I got to respond that no, that lamb made it.  She's up and nursing on her mama.
We're hoping the weather dries up a bit, and adds a few ticks on the thermometer.  Life would be easier on us all.
I had the second interview for nursing school, and I feel like it went really well.  Now, I just wait.  I can't apply for financial aid until I am formally accepted, and they don't have to make their final decisions until June 30.  Meanwhile, I cross my fingers, make plans for the fall, and finish the one prerequisite I have left to complete.
And feed baby lambs.

Nursing School application continues

Interview number one.  Check.

Must have done okay, because I have interview number two tomorrow.  Am scared.  Am nervous.  How to talk without stumbling over umms and ahhs?

Must go prepare answers and compulsively read everything about this program to show that I am, indeed, truly ready.

Yikes.

Last year of twenty-something...

So, I turned 29. Twenty-nine.  2-9.  The last birthday that starts with twenty.

How?

Turns out, very happily.  Julio made me the most delicious chocolate cake I've even eaten in my life.  Seriously.  Like Sarah said, we can't even call it cake.  That would just make all the other cakes feel bad.  Also, to-die-for lamb chops on the grill.  I don't even want to think about all the calories I consumed on Saturday, only to remember that IT WAS WORTH IT.  We had a fantastic time playing Hoopla and just being together.  I am skipping into my thirtieth year, happy that I know my path and that I am where I belong.

In farm news, we have movement on the turkey front.  Not only did two hens lay an entire nest, they are both currently setting.  If all goes well, we should have poults in approximately 24 days!  We also have an incubator up and running for the turkey eggs we gathered before allowing the hens to build their nests.  We will put the eggs in tomorrow, and in 28 days, if we're lucky, we should have another batch of poults.  I'm so excited!  You should have seen how giddy I was the day I first found a turkey egg in their hut.  Seriously.

The trees are starting to blossom; the flower crab apple tree burst open its blooms this morning, while the cherry and apple trees are moving closer to full-on flowering.  A little early, but a beautiful sight to behold.

Eek!

I'm about to send in my application for nursing school.  I'm terrified.  I want so badly to be accepted, to begin the program, to become a nurse.  I know I'd be a great candidate, I just hope they know it, too.
Wish me luck!

A Promise of Spring

God, I love spring.  The very first tastes of sunshine and warm weather and more grass than snow on the ground.  Every day feels like a treasure that can't be wasted.  We've spent an entire winter either indoors or encumbered by winter jackets, mittens and hats, that any moment not spent soaking in the spring like sun in short sleeves is pure gold.  Never mind that the world is full of mud (hey, if you are two years old, a world made of mud is a treasure, too!) and the trees and grass are still brown, with only a few, brave sprigs daring to poke their green heads out of the ground.  Still, a treasure.  There are geese, ducks, and cranes making their presence known by their cacophonous voices and a few rare glimpses of their majesty.
The very first days of spring make the winter worth it.  Being able to fully appreciate the sun and weather that doesn't require covering your arms, to know what the world is like without cranes, geese, green grass and sunshine, can be a gift.  If only that gift didn't last so long.

Tom Pease

My two year old can boogie.  Boogie down.
We went with our dear friends to a kids' concert this weekend, a performer who I used to watch as a kid and adored.  I had a bunch of cassettes, and can still sing along and do all the motions.
Tom Pease is infectious.  By watching, you can just tell how much he loves kids (and grown-ups, too).  In turn, the kids love him, and I saw more than one grown-up bopping along, not just because their kid was watching, but because they were having fun!
Sofia loved every second.  She was the first kid to get up out of her seat and dance in the aisle.  She spun in circles, bopped up and down, sang along, and performed all the actions.
I'm currently looking up all the old albums on CD and more performance dates in our area.  This is fun that has to be had again.

PS.  Waisman Center, from the people in the middle section, fourth row back; we're sorry.  I'm sure the milk, squashed grapes and crunched crackers weren't all that fun to clean up.  We did our best.  Our kids sure had fun, though!

Future's so bright...

After weeks, months, years, of hem hawing around, not committing, never being sure, my future is getting a path.
I had an appointment with an advisor for the accelerated second degree nursing program at UW-Oshkosh, and it seems that all systems are go.  I'm super excited, and plan on submitting my application tomorrow.
I also have to call BirthWise, a birth center in Appleton.  They are offering a midwife apprenticeship, which is exactly what I'd like to do.  Weighing the two options is difficult.  Ultimately, my goal as a nurse is to be a midwife, or Nurse Practitioner in OB.  The apprenticeship route might get me there much faster.  I might also make me less employable.  There are relatively few places actually hiring midwives, especially ones without nursing degrees.  I plan to meet with the midwives to find out more specifics about the program, and weigh both options.
I have a plan!  I have a path!
In bigger news, Sofia has earned her BIG! PRESENT!  A blue boa with a bright red tongue and propensity to chase the nearest grown-up for a tickle.  Or bite, depending on its mood.
And she's still putting her number 1 and number 2 into the potty, which is a bonus.

March

Welcome, March!  The promise of spring, the beginning of green.  Even though the ground is still covered in snow, the bright sunshine and warm winds have me breathing a breath of fresh air.  The winter might yet end!
Things are plodding along over here, as I look into where my future should lead.  I have an appointment this week, and I hope to figure some things out.  I want this show on the road!
With all my free time, I am trying to catch up on my picture project.  I had left off December 2008, and when you take as many pictures as I do, there is a lot to wade through.  I can't believe how little Sofia was just over a year ago!  I've made it to May, and am on a mission to catch up.
Sofia has been into so much imaginary play lately; it is so fun to watch.  The newest joy is pretending to be a doctor and giving everyone check-ups.  She uses a ribbon as her stethoscope, though, and a pen to give shots, so I think a doctor kit is in her near future.  Perhaps as the 'big present' promised from the potty training extravaganza.  Although her grandpa has convinced her she wants a snake.  Thanks, Dad.
I feel so blessed for my incredible family and wonderful friends.  I am not a good communicator, and often go weeks without talking to those important to me.  I can be a hermit and hole up at home with just my family, and even with all that, I am enveloped by those who truly care.

How Appropriate

Sofia has been owning the potty.  She is able to tell us for both number one and number two, and the only accidents we've had lately came during naptime and timeout (cue the mommy-guilt on that one).  We're still rewarding every success (with m&m's - food as reward, I know...I know...), and she has decided that she gets "two of them" every time.  I oblige, every time, and every time (seriously EVERY TIME) she selects one yellow one and one brown one.  How fitting, love.  Number one and number two.  Perfect.

That Backbone of Mine

Remember my quest to grow a backbone?  Well, I'm making progress, but not exactly in the fashion I imagined.

I quit.  With no notice, nothing.  Just quit.  I had had enough.  More than enough, actually.

I don't want to get into too many details, since this is public, after all, but here I am, unemployed again.  I don't feel so lost this time, though.  There are a few directions I can go in, and some actual jobs that I qualify for.  I want to do Physician's Assistant school.  I will find a way, somehow.  Julio is more than supportive, and I love him for it.  Missy sent me flowers and a congratulations.  Everybody is happy for me.  I will be, too.

Now, I must wrest myself from the computer and go DO.  I have jobs to apply for, schools to research, and a house to clean.  My vacuum needs exercising.  I guess I do, too.

Just Keep Swimming

Life just keeps blowing past at tornado speed, and I'm just not sure how we got here.

Sofia is still plugging away at the true test of big-girl-ness, and doing very well.  She hasn't yet won her big present, but is managing to stay dry most of the time, and has, on occasion, remembered to put number two where it belongs.  Still working on that, but we are so proud of her!  She's pretty proud of herself, too.  Walk into our bathroom and see the jar of M&M's; you'll know we have a toddler in the house.

Speaking of the toddler, she really isn't much of a toddler anymore.  She's all big girl.  She talks in full sentences with correct grammar, with only some mistakes.  She still calls it "sesareet", macamoni and cheese, and doesn't quite understand the difference between he and she.  However, she can recognize most letters and numbers, and surprised me the other day by saying, "p, p, p, p, Polar starts with P!"  She counts in both languages (though fourteen is still her nemesis), and is really improving at putting together puzzles. She used to get so frustrated when she couldn't get it right the first time, but she really concentrates to figure it out now.  She has an imagination that doesn't quit.  I love her stories and silly games and watching her play with her stuffed animals and dolls in all sorts of ways.  She sleeps with a menagerie, complete with bear, puppy, pink blanket, deer, and 'sesareet' which includes each of Big Bird, Elmo, Abby, Cookie Monster, Grover, and Kermit.  She loves the toddler doll she got for Christmas, which she has dubbed Tigger.  She plays catch, and sometimes actually catches the ball!  She loves to run run run everywhere.  She's quite the kid.

Sarah, Sofia and I went to DC this past week during a snowstorm (seriously, they have more snow than we do-by a lot!) to meet baby Anika and spend time with Johanna.  My niece is so precious; we all adore her.  Sofia especially.  She held her and caressed her and talked to her and loved on her.  Truly heart-melting.

Life at the paper is...well...I'm looking into school.  I'm tired of the drama, tired of the poor management, tired of constantly being blamed.  She really thinks I should be able to do all the reporting in just a few hours, and should be able to finish the paper all by myself.  Mondays have been long lately (though not 2 or 3 am, which is wonderful), but she leaves almost two hours before I get to.  Then, if there is a mistake (which there invariably is because I've been there for 16 hours), I get blamed for it.  Completely frustrating.

School, however, remains an abstract.  There are waiting lists on waiting lists, and I am ineligible for financial aid for an ADN (associates degree in nursing) since I already have a bachelor's degree.  I'm considering Physician's Assistant school, but there doesn't appear to be a program within an hour and a half from home.

I'm just ready for spring.  Everything feels better when there is sunshine and green grass outside.  

Success?

Not about what you might think, but we may have a new development over here...potty training success!  Now, lest I proclaim "Mission Accomplished" while the troops are still in battle, it does appear that we are headed in that direction.  We made it all day with only one accident (the number two kind, of course), and potty success at every attempt.  Without tears!  Much better than my near-tearful confession yesterday morning as a wet-panted girl waltzes into the livingroom not two minutes after we came off the potty because "i can't do it!" that THIS. IS. NOT. GOING. WELL.  We should quit.  Bah.
Never mind that we are still in the bare-bottomed stage, which means she cannot miss that she is peeing, with no diaper or training panty to lessen the drench.  We may have a wrench thrown into our success as she goes back to daycare.  But!  We are committed!  And the most exciting part, Sofia is committed, too.  I thought it was a one-way street, but it appears that my big girl is officially putting on her big girl panties.  Pun intended, of course.

Mid-January Check-up

The month of January is half over, which is a good time for New Year's Resolution monitoring.
Number one resolution:  grow a backbone.  On this front, I'm succeeding, mostly.  Little by little, anyway.  I stood up for myself, and am continuing to stand up for myself at my current job.  That is good.  There is room for improvement, however.  I need to be able to keep that backbone, and transfer it to other situations.  Like moving forward, for instance.  I need to make two phone calls that I'm scared to make.  One to the technical college where I hope to enroll as soon as possible, and the other to the county to see if we can possibly keep our badgercare insurance, especially now that I am moving to part time and becoming a student.  Hopefully.  Goal:  By the middle of next week, have made both of those phone calls, with movement toward action.

Number two resolution:  the perpetual 'lose 30 pounds' resolution.  That one isn't going so well.  I have a sweet tooth that you wouldn't believe.  I crave fat, sugar, and all things bad for me.  I don't make time for exercise. 
I can do this.  I can take control of myself, control my cravings and get my butt in gear, literally.  I always feel better when I exercise, so why is it so hard to motivate to do?  It shouldn't be.
Goals for this week:  1)  Drink water all day.  That will help to curb my fake hunger.  Perhaps, when craving a snack-upon, drink a glass of water first.  2)  Just say no.  Recognize the cravings, then remember how much I'd like to lose this extra weight.  How I hate to look at pictures of myself.  How I want to not feel fat.  And, 3) Exercise each day.  Even if just a little.  10 minute walk here, 10 minutes of jumping on the trampoline there.  Just something. 
Humph.  Not half an hour later, and I'm eating at tootsie roll.  Boo.  But, I did get a glass of water.  Step one.  I'll enjoy this little morsel and move on.