Will I get these brain cells back?

So, I wrote that last post on August 17, actually one day after Sofia's birthday.  I didn't get around to actually posting it until today.  Finding actual thoughts to put together is difficult.  Finding nouns and putting together sentences is sometimes impossible.  Remembering things?  A thing of the past.  I went to the grocery store today without a list.  I floundered around, circling the place several times and walked out with milk (which we needed!  score!) and some other random crap.  I cannot be trusted.
40 weeks 2 days.  Not particularly late, but more than ready.  Today, I've been having increased contractions and more pain.  I also had several bouts of shortness of breath and racing heart that made me sit down.  I keep trying to convince this kid that it is time to evict, time to meet the rest of us.  She's unconvinced.  I have an OB appointment tomorrow, and am hoping to get some sort of plan of action.  Actually, I'm hoping to be 7 cm dilated and sent to the hospital for the most painless labor ever, but that seems unlikely.
Hello?  Labor?  I'm ready and waiting!

More of the same

Still pregnant.  Still enormous.  Little girl is pressing down big time on my bladder and pelvic muscles. It hurts to walk.  I can't reach the sink to wash the dishes.  I'm so ready to get this child out.
I was über cranky on Monday, with emotions running wild with tears I just couldn't stop.  I was just desperate to get the baby out.  It was one of those days.  Not a good day.  Sofia told me I just had to cheer up, and then I'd have a good day!  I had a doctor's appointment, where we discovered that hey!  She's low!  I'm also 50% effaced and 1-2 cm dilated.  I also lost three pounds.  We planned to tour the hospital afterwards, but when I called, they said they had no rooms to show me, and no staff to spare.  Seriously, we've tried three times now, and they've always been too full.  Will I have to labor in the hallway?
This child could hold out for another three weeks.  Yikes.  Due date is now nine days away.  I can make it.  I can.  Really.

Drop it, girl!

And...the baby dropped.  Big time.  Look at this!

Please to ignore the stretch marks.

I'm very ready.  I promised myself I wouldn't get overly anxious this time, that I'd let the baby decide and try not to obsess over when labor will start, is labor starting?  how much longer until labor starts?  Turns out, it's not that easy.  I'm just over 38 weeks now, pretty early for any baby to make an appearance.  I probably have another two weeks.  I can be patient.  I can.  Really.

But I don't want to be! :)  I want to hold this little girl, welcome her into our family.  Not be pregnant anymore.  Though, I know I should be relishing in every minute that I'm pregnant with this girl.  This could be my last pregnancy, our last child.  We could stop at two.  That is a decision we'll make down the road, but still. This could be it.  Every time I feel her sweet little feet, I rejoice.  Every instant she is a part of not just my soul, but of my body, is a miracle in itself.  I love being pregnant.  

I'm just ready.  Show me a pregnant woman not anxious to meet her baby at 38 weeks - I don't think they exist.  All part and parcel of the amazing journey of creating a baby.  

I love you, Amalia Susan.  I am so honored to be your mama, and so grateful that you are growing healthily and perfectly inside my body.  I am so excited to meet you, to hold you, to cradle you, to kiss you.  We're ready whenever you are.  

So close I can taste it! yet so far away...

I spent much of last night awake, feeling my rock-hard belly as it had yet another contraction, lasting most of the night.  I tried not to be excited, to go to sleep, remind myself that this was probably not it, that baby probably still has a while to go.  I couldn't help it.  Each tightening made me smile, and as they started to hurt, I felt butterflies in my stomach.  And then...morning.  Gah.  Not only am I not in labor, but now I'm tired.  Ah, well.  It is still far too early to be optimistic (I'll be 38 weeks on Friday), but I can't help thinking that it is going to be soon.  Relatively soon, anyway.  Within three weeks or so.
So, I'm spending this morning trying to decide what to put into a hospital bag.  A going home outfit?  For me?  I just don't have enough clothes to put something in a bag that I won't see for awhile.  Toiletries?  I need my contacts and glasses every day until then.  Nursing bras?  Yeah, I'd better find some of those.  I hear Target is a good place.  So far, my bag has my slippers, socks, the one nursing/sleeping bra I could find from last time, the boppy pillow without a cover, and some sample shampoos.  I'm washing baby things to pack for the little one.  I have to dig out the car seat and wash the cover.  I did manage to find the Ergo and a diaper bag, both of which are currently in the washing machine.  I think I might be starting to feel that nesting instinct that people talk about, though instead of crazily cleaning, I am just panicking and walking around aimlessly.  Less productive.

Every morning, when she wakes up, and before she starts screaming for no apparent reason, Sofia cradles my belly, gives it a kiss, and says, "Good morning, Amalia."  C'mon, sweetie.  We are all so ready to meet you, even though we may not be actually ready.  Must go put in another load of laundry and find the bassinet.

36 Weeks

I can't believe we are almost at the end.  This little girl has grown so much, and firmly implanted her soul into our little family.  Some days it seems that we just found out she was coming a few days ago; other days it seems that I have been pregnant forever and that she's never going to be born.
Yesterday was the latter kind of day.  It has been hot.  Very hot.  And humid.  Very humid.  We're talking real temperatures up to 100 degrees with 80% humidity.  Sadly, I'm not exaggerating.  Yesterday wasn't quite that hot, but it did reach 90 and the humidity topped off at about 77%.  Not comfortable, especially when pregnant.  I can't really bend over, I'm getting a lot of Braxton Hicks contractions, and I'm hormonally cranky.  I apologized to Sofia many times yesterday for being so crabby, but I couldn't seem to shake it.  I couldn't get myself to do anything.  Literally, anything.  I didn't do dishes, I didn't start laundry.  I didn't do homework, I didn't vacuum.  I did do the chores, but only because I had to and Julio was at work.  I didn't even cook.  We had Sunday night popcorn on Saturday, because that was ambitious as I could get myself.  The baby felt like she weighed a million pounds.  It was one of those days.
Today dawned a tad less humid, a tad less hot, and a lot kinder on my moods.  My belly feels lighter, as does my head.  I actually laughed today.  Today I feel that another six weeks of being pregnant won't kill me, and if this baby does decide to go over her due date it won't be the worst thing.  Because really, who wants to cuddle a newborn in this heat in a house with no air conditioning?  Tomorrow, of course, I'll be wishing on my lucky stars that she'll be one of those amazing babies that comes at 37 weeks in a labor that only lasts a few hours.
I'm not sure what it is, but this baby really likes my right side.  Funnily enough, so did Sofia.  Today, I felt the baby mostly on the left side, and it kind of weirded me out.  What is she doing over there?  :)  I feel hiccups at least once a day; the other day, we even got to see the hiccups.  She's no longer kicking so much as rolling and repositioning.  When she does kick, however, it isn't aimed toward the outside.  It is aimed toward my bladder and other vital organs on the inside.  Good news, that probably means she isn't posterior, right?
Sofia is going to be an incredible big sister.  She gives the baby belly hugs and kisses, and tells me how I am going to have two girls, and they'll both always be my babies.  She wanted to get on my lap, and I told her that soon, after the baby is born, she can cuddle on my lap again.  "But Mommy, the baby will have to nurse!"  I reassured her that the baby will not be nursing ALL the time, and that Daddy can hold the baby and I can hold her sometimes.  "Okay.  But then the baby will need to nurse again, and you can hold the baby and Daddy can hold me."
She can crack me up.  There is a memory-type game featuring the characters of the Arthur book series that she loves, and is forever trying to get people to play with her.  One day, Sarah was in the livingroom, and sad-sounding classical music was on the radio.  "Sarah, why are you sad?"  Sarah told her she wasn't sad.  "Oh, but the music is sad.  I know what will cheer you up; we should play the Arthur game!"  Little manipulator.
We had a baby shower the other day - the women at Julio's work got together to throw him a surprise baby shower.  It was the sweetest thing.  There was a potluck lunch with all the residents, and everyone was incredibly generous and loving.  We got a bunch of really great gifts, including a baby comforter made by the residents.  I absolutely love it.  Sofia was enthralled by the whole thing, oohing and ahhing over every present.  She was so proud to help Daddy open them, and genuinely excited about each tiny baby thing.  She even received a present; bubbles and some great bubble blowers and sidewalk chalk!  Julio often tries to bring her to visit the residents, but she is so shy, she mostly hides her head on Daddy's shoulder or behind my legs.  Friday, however, she warmed up after 20 minutes or so, and showed them all her great personality.
We went to Hartman Creek State Park beach afterwards, where we played in the water, which felt great on my heavy belly.  Sofia was very excited to use her new bubbles.  She also discovered that her life jacket will hold her upright in the water, and loved swimming by herself.  I hope it helps her gain more confidence in the water.
So, little lady, this whole family is so ready to meet you.  I can't believe you are almost here, and that soon, I'll be kissing your head, holding you close, and loving you completely.  I can't wait.

Seriously Braxton? Give it a rest!

I'm not sure I ever had a Braxton Hicks contraction while pregnant with Sofia.  Perhaps at the very end while on my daily 3-mile walks in 90 degree heat; then I had a few that lasted the whole walk.  This time around, however?  Braxton Hicks Central.
I'm not quite 31 weeks, and I feel like I'm getting these tightenings all day every day.  Every single time I woke up last night (which was at least five, welcome to pregnancy bladder, and nightmares for a three-year-old) my belly was rock hard and even hurting.  They say to call the doctor if you are having more than three an hour, but truthfully, I haven't timed anything.  Pretty sure I'm not in preterm labor or anything, but I hope all this 'practice' leads to a faster labor than the last time.

I think we have also chosen a name.  Well, a first name, at least, which is the most important.  I'm so excited, though it feels strange to call her by a name now, and not constantly wonder what we should name her.  On the plus side, though, perhaps I can focus some energy of SOMETHING ELSE.  Seriously.  All my mental energy lately has been captured by the baby.  And the baby's name.  And wondering what the baby will be like.  And calculating just how many more days 10 weeks is.  And contemplating the likelihood of remaining pregnant until September.   Let me tell you, the house and school is suffering because of it.  Why can't I get that nesting instinct I've heard so much about?

It's a...

 Look at that ickle little profile!  I want to smother that little nose with smooches!

Sofia got into the spirit with a paint brush and lots of enthusiasm.  It's a little girl!  Second girls are the best.  Really.  And not just because I am a second daughter, no, not at all.

Sofia has been certain for as long as she's known about the impending sibling that she was having a baby sister.  So insistent, actually, that we have been working really hard on convincing her that it could be a baby brother, and that would be wonderful, too.  Perhaps, we sold it a little too hard.  When we found out for certain it was a girl, she looked at me and said, "But I thought we were having a boy baby like Johanna and Missy."
We're all very excited to meet this little one.  She looks great; all her parts and pieces seem to be in order, with a strong heart, kidneys, stomach, diaphragm (they actually commented on how beautiful her diaphragm is), umbilical cord, and whatever else they measure.  I've been convinced that our due date of August 19 is actually a week early, but Baby Girl is measuring on target for that due date.  Maybe I'll end up with an August baby after all; I've been preparing to last until September.  Gosh, I hope not.  After seeing that precious little being sucking her fingers, and moving all around, I just want to hold her tight.  We even got to see a little bitty ear!
She's absolutely perfect.  We're absolutely blessed.

I Get it Now. Sorry, Mom.

I am a second child.  Not only am I a second child, I am a middle child.  A poor, neglected middle child.  My whole life, I wanted to be sure that I filled out the second baby's baby book.  Took just as many pictures.  Did everything as close to the same as I did with the first one.  I'm not yet 20 weeks pregnant with my second, and am already failing in my quest.  I don't even own a pregnancy book, yet with Sofia, I had each page filled out to the minute.  I haven't taken a single belly picture yet.  Now, for a normal pregnant woman, this would be no big deal.  For me, however?  I took a belly picture nearly every week starting at 12 weeks with Sofia.  When pregnant with Sofia, I practically had the crib set up by 20 weeks.  I don't even know if we have a place to put a crib with this baby, and have bought nothing save a cute Christmas outfit I found on clearance back in January.  We sort of, maybe, kind of, have a possible list of maybe-names, but definitely have not even come close to deciding first or middle name yet.  For boy or girl.  I don't sing to this baby like I did to Sofia (i know, sick.  I was that pregnant person), don't talk to it as much as I did to Sofia.  I do read and sing to Baby's big sister, so he/she sort of gets the benefit, right?
Not that we aren't as excited as we were with Sofia.  We're thrilled.  Every little kick is like a celebration, and watching my belly get bigger gives us all such a thrill.  We find out in one week if Chickadee is a boy or a girl,  get to see his/her face looking like an actual baby and not a blob.  I am so blessed and honored to be able to do this again, to be mom to another amazing human being.  It's just that, we've done this before.  Everything isn't new.  We tried for so long and so hard to get pregnant with a baby that stuck, and it felt like every new thing with that pregnancy was a prize that I never thought I'd be able to experience.  This time, knock on wood, it just worked.  We didn't have any losses between Sofia and Chickadee (thank goodness).  Life keeps moving quickly, with a preschooler taking energy, the farm, school, work, sometimes that baby just gets forgotten.  Then, I'll feel a little wiggle in my belly, and get a huge grin remembering the miracle that is inside me right now.
So, Mom, I get it.  Second babies, just like you've always said, are just as loved as their siblings, it is just harder to do all the tangible things that show it.  I swear, though, I am going to take as many pictures of this baby.  I am.  I am going to read stories to just my little one, going to give him/her the time alone with just Mom.  Somehow, some way.  Chickadee needs it, and so do I.

Planning for the FIRST

Sofia turns one on Saturday. Oh my hell.

How can it be nearly one year ago? One year ago today I was hugely pregnant,



Overdue, and just begging the baby to dislodge.



Forgive me, but I might get a mite nostalgic the rest of this week.