Happy Birthday, Princess!

Sofia turned four yesterday.  How did that happen?  Wasn't she just born?  She has been extraordinarily excited about her birthday for months, and yesterday was no disappointment.  She woke up at 6 am, and asked her usual morning question, "Is it 7 o'clock yet?"  I answered that no, it wasn't, go back to bed.  "But Mommy, today's my birfday, vemember?!"  Yes, of course I remember, but Go. Back. To. Sleep.
At 7:15, her curly head got out of bed and found the balloons we had waiting for her.  She squealed with excitement.  She gave kisses, hugs, thanked us for saying happy birthday to her.  She ran around the house shrieking with joy and saying "Happy Birthday to me!"  We frosted her cupcakes and prepared for her party.  The friends arrived at 10 am, and they had a marvelous time playing bubbles, running around in the gorgeous day, and playing in her room.  Sofia was just so excited.  We had lunch (though I don't think any of the girls ate much), cupcakes (of which the kids just licked off the frosting), and sang happy birthday.  Sofia wore her birthday crown, which she insisted upon, and looked ever the princess.  Then, finally, she was allowed to open her presents.  From us, she got a big-girl bicycle, which she adores.  She still hasn't quite figured out how to make it go on the gravel, but she's outside with her daddy right now practicing.  She also got a princess helmet and bell to go with it, and she's certain that the helmet helps her ride better and will keep her from falling.  She had quite the birthday.  I was even able to convince her to take a much-needed nap with me for a couple hours in the afternoon.  Grandma got home from work in the afternoon, and we had yet another plate of cupcakes complete with candle-blowing and singing, where she got to open the present from Grandma and Grandpa.  She was so excited.  Her unbridled joy was such a fun thing to experience.
Sofia is quite the four-year old.  She is starting to figure out reading, and absolutely loves to read stories.  She can write her name now, and is practicing the other letters.  She creates fanciful games to play, and narrates to herself what she is doing at all times.  It is hysterical.  She loves playing babies and doll house and reading stories to herself.  She loves helping in the garden, which requires some patience, but Sofia claims herself to be an excellent corn husker and tomato picker, so it is worth it.  She loves playing with her friends, though she doesn't get to do it as often as she should.  Jay and Ella still reign supreme in her heart.
We're going through changes.  She's about to start 4K, and she's really nervous.  She says she doesn't want to go, that she wants to go to her old preschool.  I'm trying to tell her how much fun she'll have, but she'll have to see for herself.  She is very excited to be a big sister, and is constantly hugging and kissing my belly, and loves to look at the baby's clothes and toys and even mundane things like diaper cream.  Because of these changes, however (and lord, how I hope it is because of the changes), Sofia has been whiny.  And whinier.  And manipulating of Mommy.  She wants to control what I do and when I do it.  Sometimes I wonder if she even has a voice that doesn't whine.  You know that nursery rhyme?  "There once was a girl who had a little curl, right in the middle of her forehead.  And when she was good she was very, very good, and when she was bad she was horrid."  That describes Sofia perfectly.  Except that the good times can make me forget the bad ones instantly.

I love you, precious girl.  You are going to be a fantastic big sister, but you'll always be my baby.  Forever.  Happy 4th birthday, sweetheart.

More of the same

Still pregnant.  Still enormous.  Little girl is pressing down big time on my bladder and pelvic muscles. It hurts to walk.  I can't reach the sink to wash the dishes.  I'm so ready to get this child out.
I was über cranky on Monday, with emotions running wild with tears I just couldn't stop.  I was just desperate to get the baby out.  It was one of those days.  Not a good day.  Sofia told me I just had to cheer up, and then I'd have a good day!  I had a doctor's appointment, where we discovered that hey!  She's low!  I'm also 50% effaced and 1-2 cm dilated.  I also lost three pounds.  We planned to tour the hospital afterwards, but when I called, they said they had no rooms to show me, and no staff to spare.  Seriously, we've tried three times now, and they've always been too full.  Will I have to labor in the hallway?
This child could hold out for another three weeks.  Yikes.  Due date is now nine days away.  I can make it.  I can.  Really.

Drop it, girl!

And...the baby dropped.  Big time.  Look at this!

Please to ignore the stretch marks.

I'm very ready.  I promised myself I wouldn't get overly anxious this time, that I'd let the baby decide and try not to obsess over when labor will start, is labor starting?  how much longer until labor starts?  Turns out, it's not that easy.  I'm just over 38 weeks now, pretty early for any baby to make an appearance.  I probably have another two weeks.  I can be patient.  I can.  Really.

But I don't want to be! :)  I want to hold this little girl, welcome her into our family.  Not be pregnant anymore.  Though, I know I should be relishing in every minute that I'm pregnant with this girl.  This could be my last pregnancy, our last child.  We could stop at two.  That is a decision we'll make down the road, but still. This could be it.  Every time I feel her sweet little feet, I rejoice.  Every instant she is a part of not just my soul, but of my body, is a miracle in itself.  I love being pregnant.  

I'm just ready.  Show me a pregnant woman not anxious to meet her baby at 38 weeks - I don't think they exist.  All part and parcel of the amazing journey of creating a baby.  

I love you, Amalia Susan.  I am so honored to be your mama, and so grateful that you are growing healthily and perfectly inside my body.  I am so excited to meet you, to hold you, to cradle you, to kiss you.  We're ready whenever you are.  

So close I can taste it! yet so far away...

I spent much of last night awake, feeling my rock-hard belly as it had yet another contraction, lasting most of the night.  I tried not to be excited, to go to sleep, remind myself that this was probably not it, that baby probably still has a while to go.  I couldn't help it.  Each tightening made me smile, and as they started to hurt, I felt butterflies in my stomach.  And then...morning.  Gah.  Not only am I not in labor, but now I'm tired.  Ah, well.  It is still far too early to be optimistic (I'll be 38 weeks on Friday), but I can't help thinking that it is going to be soon.  Relatively soon, anyway.  Within three weeks or so.
So, I'm spending this morning trying to decide what to put into a hospital bag.  A going home outfit?  For me?  I just don't have enough clothes to put something in a bag that I won't see for awhile.  Toiletries?  I need my contacts and glasses every day until then.  Nursing bras?  Yeah, I'd better find some of those.  I hear Target is a good place.  So far, my bag has my slippers, socks, the one nursing/sleeping bra I could find from last time, the boppy pillow without a cover, and some sample shampoos.  I'm washing baby things to pack for the little one.  I have to dig out the car seat and wash the cover.  I did manage to find the Ergo and a diaper bag, both of which are currently in the washing machine.  I think I might be starting to feel that nesting instinct that people talk about, though instead of crazily cleaning, I am just panicking and walking around aimlessly.  Less productive.

Every morning, when she wakes up, and before she starts screaming for no apparent reason, Sofia cradles my belly, gives it a kiss, and says, "Good morning, Amalia."  C'mon, sweetie.  We are all so ready to meet you, even though we may not be actually ready.  Must go put in another load of laundry and find the bassinet.

Photobooth

So, we got a new computer this week.  Sofia and I have been having fun playing with a silly photo program.  Enjoy!

36 Weeks

I can't believe we are almost at the end.  This little girl has grown so much, and firmly implanted her soul into our little family.  Some days it seems that we just found out she was coming a few days ago; other days it seems that I have been pregnant forever and that she's never going to be born.
Yesterday was the latter kind of day.  It has been hot.  Very hot.  And humid.  Very humid.  We're talking real temperatures up to 100 degrees with 80% humidity.  Sadly, I'm not exaggerating.  Yesterday wasn't quite that hot, but it did reach 90 and the humidity topped off at about 77%.  Not comfortable, especially when pregnant.  I can't really bend over, I'm getting a lot of Braxton Hicks contractions, and I'm hormonally cranky.  I apologized to Sofia many times yesterday for being so crabby, but I couldn't seem to shake it.  I couldn't get myself to do anything.  Literally, anything.  I didn't do dishes, I didn't start laundry.  I didn't do homework, I didn't vacuum.  I did do the chores, but only because I had to and Julio was at work.  I didn't even cook.  We had Sunday night popcorn on Saturday, because that was ambitious as I could get myself.  The baby felt like she weighed a million pounds.  It was one of those days.
Today dawned a tad less humid, a tad less hot, and a lot kinder on my moods.  My belly feels lighter, as does my head.  I actually laughed today.  Today I feel that another six weeks of being pregnant won't kill me, and if this baby does decide to go over her due date it won't be the worst thing.  Because really, who wants to cuddle a newborn in this heat in a house with no air conditioning?  Tomorrow, of course, I'll be wishing on my lucky stars that she'll be one of those amazing babies that comes at 37 weeks in a labor that only lasts a few hours.
I'm not sure what it is, but this baby really likes my right side.  Funnily enough, so did Sofia.  Today, I felt the baby mostly on the left side, and it kind of weirded me out.  What is she doing over there?  :)  I feel hiccups at least once a day; the other day, we even got to see the hiccups.  She's no longer kicking so much as rolling and repositioning.  When she does kick, however, it isn't aimed toward the outside.  It is aimed toward my bladder and other vital organs on the inside.  Good news, that probably means she isn't posterior, right?
Sofia is going to be an incredible big sister.  She gives the baby belly hugs and kisses, and tells me how I am going to have two girls, and they'll both always be my babies.  She wanted to get on my lap, and I told her that soon, after the baby is born, she can cuddle on my lap again.  "But Mommy, the baby will have to nurse!"  I reassured her that the baby will not be nursing ALL the time, and that Daddy can hold the baby and I can hold her sometimes.  "Okay.  But then the baby will need to nurse again, and you can hold the baby and Daddy can hold me."
She can crack me up.  There is a memory-type game featuring the characters of the Arthur book series that she loves, and is forever trying to get people to play with her.  One day, Sarah was in the livingroom, and sad-sounding classical music was on the radio.  "Sarah, why are you sad?"  Sarah told her she wasn't sad.  "Oh, but the music is sad.  I know what will cheer you up; we should play the Arthur game!"  Little manipulator.
We had a baby shower the other day - the women at Julio's work got together to throw him a surprise baby shower.  It was the sweetest thing.  There was a potluck lunch with all the residents, and everyone was incredibly generous and loving.  We got a bunch of really great gifts, including a baby comforter made by the residents.  I absolutely love it.  Sofia was enthralled by the whole thing, oohing and ahhing over every present.  She was so proud to help Daddy open them, and genuinely excited about each tiny baby thing.  She even received a present; bubbles and some great bubble blowers and sidewalk chalk!  Julio often tries to bring her to visit the residents, but she is so shy, she mostly hides her head on Daddy's shoulder or behind my legs.  Friday, however, she warmed up after 20 minutes or so, and showed them all her great personality.
We went to Hartman Creek State Park beach afterwards, where we played in the water, which felt great on my heavy belly.  Sofia was very excited to use her new bubbles.  She also discovered that her life jacket will hold her upright in the water, and loved swimming by herself.  I hope it helps her gain more confidence in the water.
So, little lady, this whole family is so ready to meet you.  I can't believe you are almost here, and that soon, I'll be kissing your head, holding you close, and loving you completely.  I can't wait.

Seriously Braxton? Give it a rest!

I'm not sure I ever had a Braxton Hicks contraction while pregnant with Sofia.  Perhaps at the very end while on my daily 3-mile walks in 90 degree heat; then I had a few that lasted the whole walk.  This time around, however?  Braxton Hicks Central.
I'm not quite 31 weeks, and I feel like I'm getting these tightenings all day every day.  Every single time I woke up last night (which was at least five, welcome to pregnancy bladder, and nightmares for a three-year-old) my belly was rock hard and even hurting.  They say to call the doctor if you are having more than three an hour, but truthfully, I haven't timed anything.  Pretty sure I'm not in preterm labor or anything, but I hope all this 'practice' leads to a faster labor than the last time.

I think we have also chosen a name.  Well, a first name, at least, which is the most important.  I'm so excited, though it feels strange to call her by a name now, and not constantly wonder what we should name her.  On the plus side, though, perhaps I can focus some energy of SOMETHING ELSE.  Seriously.  All my mental energy lately has been captured by the baby.  And the baby's name.  And wondering what the baby will be like.  And calculating just how many more days 10 weeks is.  And contemplating the likelihood of remaining pregnant until September.   Let me tell you, the house and school is suffering because of it.  Why can't I get that nesting instinct I've heard so much about?

29 Weeks

I am a terrible blogger.  However, as I haven't made any other sort of pregnancy journal this time around, and as I am sitting at the computer procrastinating the paper I have to write for class, what better thing to do than remember that I have a blog.
Little Chickadee, or Gomerina, as Grandpa has now christened her, is doing wonderfully.  She is such a delicate little baby, that though she moves often, she doesn't kick very strongly, which worries me.  The belly is definitely growing, however, and when I try to count kicks, I always get enough, so I'm trying not to be concerned.  She's just kind to her mother, that's all, and perhaps the inner-womb calmness will translate to out-or-womb calmness as well.
We spend a lot of time these days (or I should say I do, as it isn't Julio's favorite activity) trying to figure out her name.  Sofia likes to do this with me, and her suggestions range from wonderful to no-way-in-hell.  Lily is her favorite, but as Daddy has nixed that idea, we have to convince her that it will not be her sister's name.  We have  a list.  A short list that doesn't contain any names I am crazy about, but it is a list.  We have 11 weeks left.  We'll get there, right?
I've visited several rummage sales this spring/summer, and have found some new baby things, including the things we borrowed last time from Gavins who are now expecting their own new little guy this month. Chickadee will have her own room, as Aunt Sarah has signed a lease for an apartment in Chicago with a friend to start in August.  I'm so excited for her!  And glad to know I have a place to put the crib.
Both Sofia and Daddy have gotten to feel the baby kick against their hands, which delights them both.  Sofia loves to kiss her baby sister, and thinks that the baby is kissing her back.  I hope this complete, unadultered love continues to when that baby is more reality than fantasy.  For now, she tells me how much she loves her baby, what a great big sister she'll be, how she'll read her stories and share her toys and tickle her toes.  It's really sweet.  She says she's so lucky to have the baby as her baby sister.  I know the baby is lucky to have Sofia as her big sister, too.
When I was pregnant with Sofia, she seemed like such a reality.  I could picture the new baby and our family together.  This baby seems more fantasy to me.  I know she's there and she's growing, and every day gets closer to when she'll actually be here, but it just doesn't seem real.  Like she's still just a flicker of my imagination or a hope in my heart.  I can't picture our life with her yet, but can't imagine a future without her, either.  Perhaps it has something to do with the fact that she doesn't have a name yet.  Carrying a second baby really is so different from the first, even though the pregnancies themselves haven't been all that different.  Life is different, her place in our family is different.
I've been getting so tired lately, and headaches more often.  I try to get the same amount of work done as I did before, but I just can't seem to.  My body falls asleep and my belly feels tight.  Sleeping is getting difficult, as my hips get so sore and my arms fall asleep and I have to get up to pee so many times.
Sofia just woke up from her nap, and we promised a trip to a playground on this beautiful day.  Gotta run.

It's a...

 Look at that ickle little profile!  I want to smother that little nose with smooches!

Sofia got into the spirit with a paint brush and lots of enthusiasm.  It's a little girl!  Second girls are the best.  Really.  And not just because I am a second daughter, no, not at all.

Sofia has been certain for as long as she's known about the impending sibling that she was having a baby sister.  So insistent, actually, that we have been working really hard on convincing her that it could be a baby brother, and that would be wonderful, too.  Perhaps, we sold it a little too hard.  When we found out for certain it was a girl, she looked at me and said, "But I thought we were having a boy baby like Johanna and Missy."
We're all very excited to meet this little one.  She looks great; all her parts and pieces seem to be in order, with a strong heart, kidneys, stomach, diaphragm (they actually commented on how beautiful her diaphragm is), umbilical cord, and whatever else they measure.  I've been convinced that our due date of August 19 is actually a week early, but Baby Girl is measuring on target for that due date.  Maybe I'll end up with an August baby after all; I've been preparing to last until September.  Gosh, I hope not.  After seeing that precious little being sucking her fingers, and moving all around, I just want to hold her tight.  We even got to see a little bitty ear!
She's absolutely perfect.  We're absolutely blessed.

I Get it Now. Sorry, Mom.

I am a second child.  Not only am I a second child, I am a middle child.  A poor, neglected middle child.  My whole life, I wanted to be sure that I filled out the second baby's baby book.  Took just as many pictures.  Did everything as close to the same as I did with the first one.  I'm not yet 20 weeks pregnant with my second, and am already failing in my quest.  I don't even own a pregnancy book, yet with Sofia, I had each page filled out to the minute.  I haven't taken a single belly picture yet.  Now, for a normal pregnant woman, this would be no big deal.  For me, however?  I took a belly picture nearly every week starting at 12 weeks with Sofia.  When pregnant with Sofia, I practically had the crib set up by 20 weeks.  I don't even know if we have a place to put a crib with this baby, and have bought nothing save a cute Christmas outfit I found on clearance back in January.  We sort of, maybe, kind of, have a possible list of maybe-names, but definitely have not even come close to deciding first or middle name yet.  For boy or girl.  I don't sing to this baby like I did to Sofia (i know, sick.  I was that pregnant person), don't talk to it as much as I did to Sofia.  I do read and sing to Baby's big sister, so he/she sort of gets the benefit, right?
Not that we aren't as excited as we were with Sofia.  We're thrilled.  Every little kick is like a celebration, and watching my belly get bigger gives us all such a thrill.  We find out in one week if Chickadee is a boy or a girl,  get to see his/her face looking like an actual baby and not a blob.  I am so blessed and honored to be able to do this again, to be mom to another amazing human being.  It's just that, we've done this before.  Everything isn't new.  We tried for so long and so hard to get pregnant with a baby that stuck, and it felt like every new thing with that pregnancy was a prize that I never thought I'd be able to experience.  This time, knock on wood, it just worked.  We didn't have any losses between Sofia and Chickadee (thank goodness).  Life keeps moving quickly, with a preschooler taking energy, the farm, school, work, sometimes that baby just gets forgotten.  Then, I'll feel a little wiggle in my belly, and get a huge grin remembering the miracle that is inside me right now.
So, Mom, I get it.  Second babies, just like you've always said, are just as loved as their siblings, it is just harder to do all the tangible things that show it.  I swear, though, I am going to take as many pictures of this baby.  I am.  I am going to read stories to just my little one, going to give him/her the time alone with just Mom.  Somehow, some way.  Chickadee needs it, and so do I.

Gaining weeks

Well, our wee chickadee has been very busy!  After the last ultrasound, I expected it to measure just past 8 weeks.  Well, the tech surprised us, measuring it at 9.  Then, I got a call from the doctor, saying it actually measured 9 weeks 5 days, moving our due date up to August 19!  That was a week and a half ago, so we are now 11 weeks along, and looking forward to an actual OB visit!  I have an intake appointment on Tuesday, and will beg for a quick doppler listen.  Hearing that amazing flutter will help me immensely.

Along with my elation, I am terrified.  We willingly are creating another human being?  To be responsible for?  What were we thinking?  It's hard to imagine how Chickadee will affect our family dynamic, how Sofia will react, if I'll be able to find the time to give them both the attention they deserve.  I know people do it every day, but that doesn't make me any less nervous.  As a second child myself, I really want to make sure that this little one gets the same love and devotion Sofia did (and does).  I want to make sure to take just as many pictures, write down just as many details, remember just as many dates, actually fill out a second baby book.  I'm so excited for our family, but so anxious at the same time.

She Makes me Smile

Just a quick entry so that I remember this moment...

Sofia has on a pink, sparkly tutu on top of her pink cargo pants, and a green owl shirt.  Tucked inside the top of the tutu is a cloth Dora doll.  Sofia is jumping around the living room, and I just heard her say, "the mama kangaroo is Sofia, and the baby kangaroo is Dora."

Man, she makes me smile.

9 weeks

We are proudly in posession of a grainy black and white photo of what could convincingly be made out to be the Loch Ness Monster, or Big Foot, or perhaps that other sock that is always missing.  But rest assured, it is the nine week ultrasound of our beautiful baby, and let me tell you, it is perfect.  And not at all monster-like.

In order to get a more accurate due date, and because my doctor is nice to me, we had another ultrasound today, to measure that baby again, and make sure it is growing appropriately.  This little guy or girl has been busy; before, we couldn't quite differentiate the body that housed the beautiful flicker from the lining of the gestational sac, but now, the perfect flicker is directly in the center of the sac with a nine-week baby surrounding it.  The ultrasound isn't all that sensitive, and viewing it live, we could hardly tell north from south, but we saw a perfect heart, beating at 175 beats per minute.  I've been having a tiny bit of spotting, and we pinpointed the source of the blood; a tiny subchorionic bleed, which the tech reassures me is quite normal and not at all harmful.  I will, of course, have to consult Dr. Google before letting my anxieties lie, but I'm not all that concerned.

I still can't believe it is there.

Since Julio was so excited when we first found out, he spilled the beans to Sofia that very morning.  She was certain that when we got home today, they would have taken the baby out, and she could hold her baby sister.  Sofia will officially think that pregnancy lasts an eternity.  We are also going to have to have a good, long conversation with her if we find out at 20 weeks that this child is a boy.  She is certain, CERTAIN, I tell you, that she will have a baby sister.  She might be right.  We tend to make girls in this family.

Anyway, I promise I will blog more often, and perhaps about more things than all-pregnancy-all-the-time, but for today, that's all I can think about.

A New Beginning

We haven't offically shared the news yet, and probably won't for awhile, but I'm pretty sure the only people who still check this blog already know (hi Johanna and Missy!), and I want to keep a journal for myself.
We are expecting a baby!  I got a positive pregnancy test on Wednesday, December 15, but didn't tell anybody, not even Julio.  It was several days before I expected my period, and I just didn't believe it.  On Friday, I took another test, this one a dark positive.   I crawled back in bed to tell Julio, and just beamed about my news.  Because of all the miscarriages, and because we supplemented progesterone with Sofia, my new doctor had me come in for a progesterone test.  Sofia and I trudged in on a snowy Saturday, and had my blood drawn at the inpatient lab.  The tech was so friendly, and gave Sofia three (!) princess stickers.  She thought she won the lottery.  On Monday morning, I got a call from my doctor, that the progeterone level was low.  Not dangerously low, but lower than they like to see.  Normal varies from 9-47 in the first trimester, though they like to see it above 20, and my level was 9.7.  Not terrible for just 4 weeks, but not great either.  I was prescribed an oral progesterone pill, and have been taking it twice a day. We scheduled an ultrasound for January 3, which seemed years away.   I had myself convinced that things could not be okay, that I wouldn't get so lucky again to have a healthy pregnancy.
Today, this morning, we saw another beautiful flicker, the best kind of flicker there is.  Hard to see the actual baby, but the heart was beating at 131 beats per minute, with a gestational sac and yolk sac the correct size.  Nothing out of the ordinary!  Woo Hoo!
Nothing is for certain, though, and I'm still reserved.  Things could still go wrong.  But this was an important first step.  With a lot of luck, we could be welcoming a new little one at the end of August!  Yikes!

Giving Thanks

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving.  One of the best holidays of the year, in my opinion.  No pressure, not too much fuss, just food, family, and football.  A day set aside in the middle of the week during the yuckiest part of the weather year to celebrate the blessings in your life.  To celebrate family.  To remember loved ones lost.  To be together.  Just be.  I love having a holiday in between Halloween and Christmas, to hold off the Christmas music and center our thoughts on gratitude and the blessings we already have, before the onslaught of greed that can often become Christmas.  Thanksgiving helps us remember what is really important, and brings those memories into the Christmas season.
This Thanksgiving, and every day, I am thankful for my family.  I am blessed with a fantastic husband, who loves me, loves our daughter, and is a wonderful person.  I am thankful for my daughter, who brings me more joy each and every day.  I am thankful for my big sister, who though she lives far away, is always on the other end of the phone.  I am thankful for her daughter, my beautiful niece, who taught me what it is to be an auntie, and her little Jomando Dos, who thankfully, is healthy and perfect.  I'm thankful for my little sister, who adores my daughter and has the best sense of humor.  I'm thankful for my mom, whose cherry face and positive attitude affect my life daily.  I am thankful for my dad, for making me laugh, for always being there to pick me up, for just being there.
I'm thankful for Julio's family, a group of people with so much love we will never feel alone, no matter how far away we live.  I'm thankful for phones and the internet to keep us in touch, and for airplanes to bring us closer.  I love you all.
I'm thankful for incredible friends, whose company I never tire of, who make me laugh and lend me shoulders to lean on.  Bonus points that my best friends also happen to be Sofia's best friends.
This Thanksgiving, I remember Grandpa Ron, Grandma and Grandpa Lines, and Aunt Suey.  People who are part of me and I'll never stop loving.
Though there are always parts of life that I'd like to change, though we are always trying to move forward in our lives, it is always good to look back and remember the great stuff that is with you right now.
Happy Thanksgiving, everybody.

Summertime

As each leaf falls and we edge closer to late fall than early fall, I am greeted each morning to, "Summertime!  Summertime!"
This confused me for several mornings, until I realized that a certain young lady thinks that summertime actually means 'morning time.'  I have no idea where she made the connection, but even as the weather cools, the trees lose their leaves and she is no longer allowed to wear sleeveless play dresses, I have yet to convince Sofia that summertime actually does not equal morning.
Usually, I am excited for summer's arrival, in this case, I wish I could delay it a bit.  She sure does get up early.

Pink

Though I have always loved dolls of all sorts, I am in no way a girly-girl.  Most days, I hardly put on anything nicer than yoga pants and a t-shirt, and it is a fancy occasion indeed when I wear make-up.  When I found out we were having a girl, I almost didn't to tell people until after she was born so that she wouldn't end up clothed in pure pink.  I wanted to be entirely gender neutral, empower my daughter to choose her own path, as well as allow my (hypothetical) son to choose his as well.
Newborn Sofia wore lots of colors.  Honest.  Mostly pink.  In varying shades.
Since she could first reach her arms out to choose a toy, Sofia has loved baby dolls.  She couldn't yet stand on her own two feet, but she was rocking and nursing and wrapping in a blanket her baby.
She also loves to play with trains, cars, and dinosaurs.
We live on a farm.  She's seen life from beginning to end, played in her share of dirt, planted, weeded and harvested a garden.
Yet, you can't change biology and social constructs that easily.  She received a pink tutu for her birthday after having to pry one off of her at a toy store.  She has visited Daddy at work, gone to the library, the bank, and the grocery store in that tutu.  She'd wear it to bed if we let her.  I can only coax her out of it if I have her Princess jammies in hand.
We went to the zoo the other day.  We had a great time.  We saw a lion roar, watched a giraffe run up close and personal, counted ducks and waved at a swimming river otter.  She found the camouflaged mountain lion, watched the snow monkeys and climbed on the jungle gym.  At the zoo gift shop on the way out, she found the toy she just had to have, and has been bringing it everywhere with her since.
Meet Sally the Sea Otter.

In technicolor.

The worst part is, I think she's kinda cute.

Three

Somehow, some way, my beautiful baby celebrated her third birthday.

I can hardly believe that the baby I cradled and nursed is now a preschool aged child, no longer a toddler, with a personality all her own.  She's THREE, people.  I mean, I have memories from when I was three.  I'd better watch what I say from now on.

Dear Sofia, 

You delight me.  It is such fun to watch you create stories with your dolls and toys, and make everything into a game.  You create elaborate rules to games that you invent, then expect us to know them all.  You adore painting and choose your colors quite carefully.  You get so excited about things that you literally jump up and down with joy, and cannot control the volume of your voice.  The joy and excitement just spills from your little body.  I love every minute of it.  

You frustrate me.  You have a whine that knows the exact way to get under my skin.   You have to be reminded, sometimes, to use your manners, and to ask without whining.  You pitch a fit when you don't get your own way, putting on a big show, with big, fat crocodile tears, and the most inventive fake cry I've ever heard, even though you know very well it won't get you your way.  

You fill my heart with love.  Your hugs are so tight, your kisses so precious.  You have the most beautiful smile that reaches all the way to your eyes, though you only use it when truly happy, which might be the best part of all (though it makes it difficult to get a picture of).  You are quite picky about who you show that love to and when, which, though disappointing sometimes for an aunt or grandparent, or even parent when a kiss is withheld, is actually a good thing.  I'll be grateful for it when you are sixteen.  

You continue to change and grow so much.  Things you loved last summer (the swing) scare you now.  You are very cautious about new things, new places, new people.  You hide behind my legs and pretend not to hear when a stranger (which may actually be a relative) says hello.  Sometimes, you will even tell them, "I'm a little shy."  Once you warm up, though, you are friends forever.  You create games with certain people, that you expect to be played the same way, over and over again.  Aunt Nancy has a tail, Tia Juli and Tia Jeli smell Stella's diaper, Aunt Sarah has a jungle under the afghan in her room, and you chase Grandpa.

You are so smart.  You know all your abc's, including the sound for each letter, and can tell us what letter nearly any word starts with.  You can count to twenty (and are starting to be able to do the twenties, too) in English and Spanish.  You know about camouflage and hibernation and metamorphosis.  You love to watch, observe and learn.  

You love to dress up, choosing to wear dresses nearly every day, and recently, your ballerina tutu that you got for your birthday.  Always.  You still prefer to be naked, however, and will strip down whenever we aren't looking.

You are a fantastic eater.  You love veggies and healthy foods.  Once, you had a brownie in your hand, and saw that I was processing broccoli.  You dropped the brownie, and begged me for a piece of raw broccoli.  Anytime, dear.  Though, I don't think the situation would be the same had you been eating ice cream.  Peppers, tomatoes, and olives are your favorites, though you love it all.  

You love playing with other kids.  Even though you are shy, painfully so, with adults, you are instantly friends with any child you meet.  In Venezuela, you hung tightly to Natasha and Nathalia, and loved playing with the cousins your age.  You love Jay and Ella, and are always looking for a playmate. I promise we'll get you into school soon.  You need other kids your own age.

You love Sesame Street and Dora.  You play out elaborate schemes of shows you've seen or books you've heard. Speaking of books, they are your favorite.  You would read stories all day if an adult would sit with you that long.  You love the Berenstain Bears, and have really gotten into any book by Mo Willems, including Knuffle Bunny.

You bring us so much joy, Sofia Carmen.  Thanks for a terrific three years.  Each day is precious, and I'm so honored to be your mama. Truly.  Even the days I want to send you to the moon.  

Love,

Mama

To Oz and back again

Somehow days, weeks, months continue to pass by, and before I even realized that the blossoms have all given way to leaves, those same leaves are beginning to turn crimson, yellow, orange and the summer is over.
During my absence, we trekked to Venezuela.  How wonderful to see, live and in person, all the people we love and miss so dearly on Julio's side of the family.  It is difficult, however.  Sofia doesn't know them.  The last time she saw them, she was seven months old.  She's different now.  She's not the gummy-smiled baby who loves any arms that are open to hug her.  She has opinions and expectations, and is more than a little shy.  Over all, everyone did well, most especially Sofia, who learned to love her relatives and surroundings, tried speaking the different language, and made many friends along the way.  I could see the hurt in Julio's eyes, though, when Sofia didn't want to love on someone she just met, even though that person loves her very much.
She still talks about the trip; the people she met, the places we went and things we did.  I'm working on uploading pictures to Shutterfly to create photo books to experience it over and over again.
There's nothing better than having a fantastic vacation, and nothing better than coming home to your very own bed.

A Brighter (Storm-filled) Day

Okay, so as I knew while writing my last entry, though could not fathom in my conscious thought, being put on the waiting list is not the end of the world.  There are other plans, other options, other paths my life my take.  I will go on.  It still hurt, but it is not the end of me.

My 15-year-old cousin was in a terrible car wreck, head-on highway speed, a week and a half ago.  Miraculously, all three occupants of the car are alive, and more miraculously, Lori is home and walking and talking.  She's got a long road ahead of her, but she is a living miracle.  She is a fantastic runner, and earned a varsity letter and attended state last year, her first in track.  She was looking forward to this year's cross country team with excitement.  She's now been told that she can't run for six months.  A small worry when you've just survived something everyone thought should have killed you, but disappointing just the same.  Instead of being upset, this amazing girl is planning to volunteer with the team, and go with them to meets to cheer them on.  A true team player, a person whose Plan with a capital p was torn to shreds, yet still sees life as a journey to be enjoyed.

I'm searching job sites, combing hospital openings, seeking out possible apprenticeships.  I've applied for several jobs and looked into other avenues to become a nurse.  I might be down, but I'm not out.  I'm too good for that.  Life is a journey meant to be enjoyed.