I am a second child. Not only am I a second child, I am a middle child. A poor, neglected middle child. My whole life, I wanted to be sure that I filled out the second baby's baby book. Took just as many pictures. Did everything as close to the same as I did with the first one. I'm not yet 20 weeks pregnant with my second, and am already failing in my quest. I don't even own a pregnancy book, yet with Sofia, I had each page filled out to the minute. I haven't taken a single belly picture yet. Now, for a normal pregnant woman, this would be no big deal. For me, however? I took a belly picture nearly every week starting at 12 weeks with Sofia. When pregnant with Sofia, I practically had the crib set up by 20 weeks. I don't even know if we have a place to put a crib with this baby, and have bought nothing save a cute Christmas outfit I found on clearance back in January. We sort of, maybe, kind of, have a possible list of maybe-names, but definitely have not even come close to deciding first or middle name yet. For boy or girl. I don't sing to this baby like I did to Sofia (i know, sick. I was that pregnant person), don't talk to it as much as I did to Sofia. I do read and sing to Baby's big sister, so he/she sort of gets the benefit, right?
Not that we aren't as excited as we were with Sofia. We're thrilled. Every little kick is like a celebration, and watching my belly get bigger gives us all such a thrill. We find out in one week if Chickadee is a boy or a girl, get to see his/her face looking like an actual baby and not a blob. I am so blessed and honored to be able to do this again, to be mom to another amazing human being. It's just that, we've done this before. Everything isn't new. We tried for so long and so hard to get pregnant with a baby that stuck, and it felt like every new thing with that pregnancy was a prize that I never thought I'd be able to experience. This time, knock on wood, it just worked. We didn't have any losses between Sofia and Chickadee (thank goodness). Life keeps moving quickly, with a preschooler taking energy, the farm, school, work, sometimes that baby just gets forgotten. Then, I'll feel a little wiggle in my belly, and get a huge grin remembering the miracle that is inside me right now.
So, Mom, I get it. Second babies, just like you've always said, are just as loved as their siblings, it is just harder to do all the tangible things that show it. I swear, though, I am going to take as many pictures of this baby. I am. I am going to read stories to just my little one, going to give him/her the time alone with just Mom. Somehow, some way. Chickadee needs it, and so do I.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Gaining weeks
Well, our wee chickadee has been very busy! After the last ultrasound, I expected it to measure just past 8 weeks. Well, the tech surprised us, measuring it at 9. Then, I got a call from the doctor, saying it actually measured 9 weeks 5 days, moving our due date up to August 19! That was a week and a half ago, so we are now 11 weeks along, and looking forward to an actual OB visit! I have an intake appointment on Tuesday, and will beg for a quick doppler listen. Hearing that amazing flutter will help me immensely.
Along with my elation, I am terrified. We willingly are creating another human being? To be responsible for? What were we thinking? It's hard to imagine how Chickadee will affect our family dynamic, how Sofia will react, if I'll be able to find the time to give them both the attention they deserve. I know people do it every day, but that doesn't make me any less nervous. As a second child myself, I really want to make sure that this little one gets the same love and devotion Sofia did (and does). I want to make sure to take just as many pictures, write down just as many details, remember just as many dates, actually fill out a second baby book. I'm so excited for our family, but so anxious at the same time.
Along with my elation, I am terrified. We willingly are creating another human being? To be responsible for? What were we thinking? It's hard to imagine how Chickadee will affect our family dynamic, how Sofia will react, if I'll be able to find the time to give them both the attention they deserve. I know people do it every day, but that doesn't make me any less nervous. As a second child myself, I really want to make sure that this little one gets the same love and devotion Sofia did (and does). I want to make sure to take just as many pictures, write down just as many details, remember just as many dates, actually fill out a second baby book. I'm so excited for our family, but so anxious at the same time.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
She Makes me Smile
Just a quick entry so that I remember this moment...
Sofia has on a pink, sparkly tutu on top of her pink cargo pants, and a green owl shirt. Tucked inside the top of the tutu is a cloth Dora doll. Sofia is jumping around the living room, and I just heard her say, "the mama kangaroo is Sofia, and the baby kangaroo is Dora."
Man, she makes me smile.
Sofia has on a pink, sparkly tutu on top of her pink cargo pants, and a green owl shirt. Tucked inside the top of the tutu is a cloth Dora doll. Sofia is jumping around the living room, and I just heard her say, "the mama kangaroo is Sofia, and the baby kangaroo is Dora."
Man, she makes me smile.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
9 weeks
We are proudly in posession of a grainy black and white photo of what could convincingly be made out to be the Loch Ness Monster, or Big Foot, or perhaps that other sock that is always missing. But rest assured, it is the nine week ultrasound of our beautiful baby, and let me tell you, it is perfect. And not at all monster-like.
In order to get a more accurate due date, and because my doctor is nice to me, we had another ultrasound today, to measure that baby again, and make sure it is growing appropriately. This little guy or girl has been busy; before, we couldn't quite differentiate the body that housed the beautiful flicker from the lining of the gestational sac, but now, the perfect flicker is directly in the center of the sac with a nine-week baby surrounding it. The ultrasound isn't all that sensitive, and viewing it live, we could hardly tell north from south, but we saw a perfect heart, beating at 175 beats per minute. I've been having a tiny bit of spotting, and we pinpointed the source of the blood; a tiny subchorionic bleed, which the tech reassures me is quite normal and not at all harmful. I will, of course, have to consult Dr. Google before letting my anxieties lie, but I'm not all that concerned.
I still can't believe it is there.
Since Julio was so excited when we first found out, he spilled the beans to Sofia that very morning. She was certain that when we got home today, they would have taken the baby out, and she could hold her baby sister. Sofia will officially think that pregnancy lasts an eternity. We are also going to have to have a good, long conversation with her if we find out at 20 weeks that this child is a boy. She is certain, CERTAIN, I tell you, that she will have a baby sister. She might be right. We tend to make girls in this family.
Anyway, I promise I will blog more often, and perhaps about more things than all-pregnancy-all-the-time, but for today, that's all I can think about.
In order to get a more accurate due date, and because my doctor is nice to me, we had another ultrasound today, to measure that baby again, and make sure it is growing appropriately. This little guy or girl has been busy; before, we couldn't quite differentiate the body that housed the beautiful flicker from the lining of the gestational sac, but now, the perfect flicker is directly in the center of the sac with a nine-week baby surrounding it. The ultrasound isn't all that sensitive, and viewing it live, we could hardly tell north from south, but we saw a perfect heart, beating at 175 beats per minute. I've been having a tiny bit of spotting, and we pinpointed the source of the blood; a tiny subchorionic bleed, which the tech reassures me is quite normal and not at all harmful. I will, of course, have to consult Dr. Google before letting my anxieties lie, but I'm not all that concerned.
I still can't believe it is there.
Since Julio was so excited when we first found out, he spilled the beans to Sofia that very morning. She was certain that when we got home today, they would have taken the baby out, and she could hold her baby sister. Sofia will officially think that pregnancy lasts an eternity. We are also going to have to have a good, long conversation with her if we find out at 20 weeks that this child is a boy. She is certain, CERTAIN, I tell you, that she will have a baby sister. She might be right. We tend to make girls in this family.
Anyway, I promise I will blog more often, and perhaps about more things than all-pregnancy-all-the-time, but for today, that's all I can think about.
Monday, January 3, 2011
A New Beginning
We haven't offically shared the news yet, and probably won't for awhile, but I'm pretty sure the only people who still check this blog already know (hi Johanna and Missy!), and I want to keep a journal for myself.
We are expecting a baby! I got a positive pregnancy test on Wednesday, December 15, but didn't tell anybody, not even Julio. It was several days before I expected my period, and I just didn't believe it. On Friday, I took another test, this one a dark positive. I crawled back in bed to tell Julio, and just beamed about my news. Because of all the miscarriages, and because we supplemented progesterone with Sofia, my new doctor had me come in for a progesterone test. Sofia and I trudged in on a snowy Saturday, and had my blood drawn at the inpatient lab. The tech was so friendly, and gave Sofia three (!) princess stickers. She thought she won the lottery. On Monday morning, I got a call from my doctor, that the progeterone level was low. Not dangerously low, but lower than they like to see. Normal varies from 9-47 in the first trimester, though they like to see it above 20, and my level was 9.7. Not terrible for just 4 weeks, but not great either. I was prescribed an oral progesterone pill, and have been taking it twice a day. We scheduled an ultrasound for January 3, which seemed years away. I had myself convinced that things could not be okay, that I wouldn't get so lucky again to have a healthy pregnancy.
Today, this morning, we saw another beautiful flicker, the best kind of flicker there is. Hard to see the actual baby, but the heart was beating at 131 beats per minute, with a gestational sac and yolk sac the correct size. Nothing out of the ordinary! Woo Hoo!
Nothing is for certain, though, and I'm still reserved. Things could still go wrong. But this was an important first step. With a lot of luck, we could be welcoming a new little one at the end of August! Yikes!
We are expecting a baby! I got a positive pregnancy test on Wednesday, December 15, but didn't tell anybody, not even Julio. It was several days before I expected my period, and I just didn't believe it. On Friday, I took another test, this one a dark positive. I crawled back in bed to tell Julio, and just beamed about my news. Because of all the miscarriages, and because we supplemented progesterone with Sofia, my new doctor had me come in for a progesterone test. Sofia and I trudged in on a snowy Saturday, and had my blood drawn at the inpatient lab. The tech was so friendly, and gave Sofia three (!) princess stickers. She thought she won the lottery. On Monday morning, I got a call from my doctor, that the progeterone level was low. Not dangerously low, but lower than they like to see. Normal varies from 9-47 in the first trimester, though they like to see it above 20, and my level was 9.7. Not terrible for just 4 weeks, but not great either. I was prescribed an oral progesterone pill, and have been taking it twice a day. We scheduled an ultrasound for January 3, which seemed years away. I had myself convinced that things could not be okay, that I wouldn't get so lucky again to have a healthy pregnancy.
Today, this morning, we saw another beautiful flicker, the best kind of flicker there is. Hard to see the actual baby, but the heart was beating at 131 beats per minute, with a gestational sac and yolk sac the correct size. Nothing out of the ordinary! Woo Hoo!
Nothing is for certain, though, and I'm still reserved. Things could still go wrong. But this was an important first step. With a lot of luck, we could be welcoming a new little one at the end of August! Yikes!
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Giving Thanks
Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. One of the best holidays of the year, in my opinion. No pressure, not too much fuss, just food, family, and football. A day set aside in the middle of the week during the yuckiest part of the weather year to celebrate the blessings in your life. To celebrate family. To remember loved ones lost. To be together. Just be. I love having a holiday in between Halloween and Christmas, to hold off the Christmas music and center our thoughts on gratitude and the blessings we already have, before the onslaught of greed that can often become Christmas. Thanksgiving helps us remember what is really important, and brings those memories into the Christmas season.
This Thanksgiving, and every day, I am thankful for my family. I am blessed with a fantastic husband, who loves me, loves our daughter, and is a wonderful person. I am thankful for my daughter, who brings me more joy each and every day. I am thankful for my big sister, who though she lives far away, is always on the other end of the phone. I am thankful for her daughter, my beautiful niece, who taught me what it is to be an auntie, and her little Jomando Dos, who thankfully, is healthy and perfect. I'm thankful for my little sister, who adores my daughter and has the best sense of humor. I'm thankful for my mom, whose cherry face and positive attitude affect my life daily. I am thankful for my dad, for making me laugh, for always being there to pick me up, for just being there.
I'm thankful for Julio's family, a group of people with so much love we will never feel alone, no matter how far away we live. I'm thankful for phones and the internet to keep us in touch, and for airplanes to bring us closer. I love you all.
I'm thankful for incredible friends, whose company I never tire of, who make me laugh and lend me shoulders to lean on. Bonus points that my best friends also happen to be Sofia's best friends.
This Thanksgiving, I remember Grandpa Ron, Grandma and Grandpa Lines, and Aunt Suey. People who are part of me and I'll never stop loving.
Though there are always parts of life that I'd like to change, though we are always trying to move forward in our lives, it is always good to look back and remember the great stuff that is with you right now.
Happy Thanksgiving, everybody.
This Thanksgiving, and every day, I am thankful for my family. I am blessed with a fantastic husband, who loves me, loves our daughter, and is a wonderful person. I am thankful for my daughter, who brings me more joy each and every day. I am thankful for my big sister, who though she lives far away, is always on the other end of the phone. I am thankful for her daughter, my beautiful niece, who taught me what it is to be an auntie, and her little Jomando Dos, who thankfully, is healthy and perfect. I'm thankful for my little sister, who adores my daughter and has the best sense of humor. I'm thankful for my mom, whose cherry face and positive attitude affect my life daily. I am thankful for my dad, for making me laugh, for always being there to pick me up, for just being there.
I'm thankful for Julio's family, a group of people with so much love we will never feel alone, no matter how far away we live. I'm thankful for phones and the internet to keep us in touch, and for airplanes to bring us closer. I love you all.
I'm thankful for incredible friends, whose company I never tire of, who make me laugh and lend me shoulders to lean on. Bonus points that my best friends also happen to be Sofia's best friends.
This Thanksgiving, I remember Grandpa Ron, Grandma and Grandpa Lines, and Aunt Suey. People who are part of me and I'll never stop loving.
Though there are always parts of life that I'd like to change, though we are always trying to move forward in our lives, it is always good to look back and remember the great stuff that is with you right now.
Happy Thanksgiving, everybody.
Monday, October 11, 2010
Summertime
As each leaf falls and we edge closer to late fall than early fall, I am greeted each morning to, "Summertime! Summertime!"
This confused me for several mornings, until I realized that a certain young lady thinks that summertime actually means 'morning time.' I have no idea where she made the connection, but even as the weather cools, the trees lose their leaves and she is no longer allowed to wear sleeveless play dresses, I have yet to convince Sofia that summertime actually does not equal morning.
Usually, I am excited for summer's arrival, in this case, I wish I could delay it a bit. She sure does get up early.
This confused me for several mornings, until I realized that a certain young lady thinks that summertime actually means 'morning time.' I have no idea where she made the connection, but even as the weather cools, the trees lose their leaves and she is no longer allowed to wear sleeveless play dresses, I have yet to convince Sofia that summertime actually does not equal morning.
Usually, I am excited for summer's arrival, in this case, I wish I could delay it a bit. She sure does get up early.
Monday, September 20, 2010
Pink
Though I have always loved dolls of all sorts, I am in no way a girly-girl. Most days, I hardly put on anything nicer than yoga pants and a t-shirt, and it is a fancy occasion indeed when I wear make-up. When I found out we were having a girl, I almost didn't to tell people until after she was born so that she wouldn't end up clothed in pure pink. I wanted to be entirely gender neutral, empower my daughter to choose her own path, as well as allow my (hypothetical) son to choose his as well.
Newborn Sofia wore lots of colors. Honest. Mostly pink. In varying shades.
Since she could first reach her arms out to choose a toy, Sofia has loved baby dolls. She couldn't yet stand on her own two feet, but she was rocking and nursing and wrapping in a blanket her baby.
She also loves to play with trains, cars, and dinosaurs.
We live on a farm. She's seen life from beginning to end, played in her share of dirt, planted, weeded and harvested a garden.
Yet, you can't change biology and social constructs that easily. She received a pink tutu for her birthday after having to pry one off of her at a toy store. She has visited Daddy at work, gone to the library, the bank, and the grocery store in that tutu. She'd wear it to bed if we let her. I can only coax her out of it if I have her Princess jammies in hand.
We went to the zoo the other day. We had a great time. We saw a lion roar, watched a giraffe run up close and personal, counted ducks and waved at a swimming river otter. She found the camouflaged mountain lion, watched the snow monkeys and climbed on the jungle gym. At the zoo gift shop on the way out, she found the toy she just had to have, and has been bringing it everywhere with her since.
Meet Sally the Sea Otter.
In technicolor.
The worst part is, I think she's kinda cute.
Newborn Sofia wore lots of colors. Honest. Mostly pink. In varying shades.
Since she could first reach her arms out to choose a toy, Sofia has loved baby dolls. She couldn't yet stand on her own two feet, but she was rocking and nursing and wrapping in a blanket her baby.
She also loves to play with trains, cars, and dinosaurs.
We live on a farm. She's seen life from beginning to end, played in her share of dirt, planted, weeded and harvested a garden.
Yet, you can't change biology and social constructs that easily. She received a pink tutu for her birthday after having to pry one off of her at a toy store. She has visited Daddy at work, gone to the library, the bank, and the grocery store in that tutu. She'd wear it to bed if we let her. I can only coax her out of it if I have her Princess jammies in hand.
We went to the zoo the other day. We had a great time. We saw a lion roar, watched a giraffe run up close and personal, counted ducks and waved at a swimming river otter. She found the camouflaged mountain lion, watched the snow monkeys and climbed on the jungle gym. At the zoo gift shop on the way out, she found the toy she just had to have, and has been bringing it everywhere with her since.
Meet Sally the Sea Otter.
In technicolor.
The worst part is, I think she's kinda cute.
Monday, August 30, 2010
Three
Somehow, some way, my beautiful baby celebrated her third birthday.
I can hardly believe that the baby I cradled and nursed is now a preschool aged child, no longer a toddler, with a personality all her own. She's THREE, people. I mean, I have memories from when I was three. I'd better watch what I say from now on.
Dear Sofia,
You delight me. It is such fun to watch you create stories with your dolls and toys, and make everything into a game. You create elaborate rules to games that you invent, then expect us to know them all. You adore painting and choose your colors quite carefully. You get so excited about things that you literally jump up and down with joy, and cannot control the volume of your voice. The joy and excitement just spills from your little body. I love every minute of it.
You frustrate me. You have a whine that knows the exact way to get under my skin. You have to be reminded, sometimes, to use your manners, and to ask without whining. You pitch a fit when you don't get your own way, putting on a big show, with big, fat crocodile tears, and the most inventive fake cry I've ever heard, even though you know very well it won't get you your way.
You fill my heart with love. Your hugs are so tight, your kisses so precious. You have the most beautiful smile that reaches all the way to your eyes, though you only use it when truly happy, which might be the best part of all (though it makes it difficult to get a picture of). You are quite picky about who you show that love to and when, which, though disappointing sometimes for an aunt or grandparent, or even parent when a kiss is withheld, is actually a good thing. I'll be grateful for it when you are sixteen.
You continue to change and grow so much. Things you loved last summer (the swing) scare you now. You are very cautious about new things, new places, new people. You hide behind my legs and pretend not to hear when a stranger (which may actually be a relative) says hello. Sometimes, you will even tell them, "I'm a little shy." Once you warm up, though, you are friends forever. You create games with certain people, that you expect to be played the same way, over and over again. Aunt Nancy has a tail, Tia Juli and Tia Jeli smell Stella's diaper, Aunt Sarah has a jungle under the afghan in her room, and you chase Grandpa.
You are so smart. You know all your abc's, including the sound for each letter, and can tell us what letter nearly any word starts with. You can count to twenty (and are starting to be able to do the twenties, too) in English and Spanish. You know about camouflage and hibernation and metamorphosis. You love to watch, observe and learn.
You love to dress up, choosing to wear dresses nearly every day, and recently, your ballerina tutu that you got for your birthday. Always. You still prefer to be naked, however, and will strip down whenever we aren't looking.
You are a fantastic eater. You love veggies and healthy foods. Once, you had a brownie in your hand, and saw that I was processing broccoli. You dropped the brownie, and begged me for a piece of raw broccoli. Anytime, dear. Though, I don't think the situation would be the same had you been eating ice cream. Peppers, tomatoes, and olives are your favorites, though you love it all.
You love playing with other kids. Even though you are shy, painfully so, with adults, you are instantly friends with any child you meet. In Venezuela, you hung tightly to Natasha and Nathalia, and loved playing with the cousins your age. You love Jay and Ella, and are always looking for a playmate. I promise we'll get you into school soon. You need other kids your own age.
You love Sesame Street and Dora. You play out elaborate schemes of shows you've seen or books you've heard. Speaking of books, they are your favorite. You would read stories all day if an adult would sit with you that long. You love the Berenstain Bears, and have really gotten into any book by Mo Willems, including Knuffle Bunny.
You bring us so much joy, Sofia Carmen. Thanks for a terrific three years. Each day is precious, and I'm so honored to be your mama. Truly. Even the days I want to send you to the moon. 
Love,
Mama
Sunday, August 29, 2010
To Oz and back again
Somehow days, weeks, months continue to pass by, and before I even realized that the blossoms have all given way to leaves, those same leaves are beginning to turn crimson, yellow, orange and the summer is over.
During my absence, we trekked to Venezuela. How wonderful to see, live and in person, all the people we love and miss so dearly on Julio's side of the family. It is difficult, however. Sofia doesn't know them. The last time she saw them, she was seven months old. She's different now. She's not the gummy-smiled baby who loves any arms that are open to hug her. She has opinions and expectations, and is more than a little shy. Over all, everyone did well, most especially Sofia, who learned to love her relatives and surroundings, tried speaking the different language, and made many friends along the way. I could see the hurt in Julio's eyes, though, when Sofia didn't want to love on someone she just met, even though that person loves her very much.
She still talks about the trip; the people she met, the places we went and things we did. I'm working on uploading pictures to Shutterfly to create photo books to experience it over and over again.
There's nothing better than having a fantastic vacation, and nothing better than coming home to your very own bed.
During my absence, we trekked to Venezuela. How wonderful to see, live and in person, all the people we love and miss so dearly on Julio's side of the family. It is difficult, however. Sofia doesn't know them. The last time she saw them, she was seven months old. She's different now. She's not the gummy-smiled baby who loves any arms that are open to hug her. She has opinions and expectations, and is more than a little shy. Over all, everyone did well, most especially Sofia, who learned to love her relatives and surroundings, tried speaking the different language, and made many friends along the way. I could see the hurt in Julio's eyes, though, when Sofia didn't want to love on someone she just met, even though that person loves her very much.
She still talks about the trip; the people she met, the places we went and things we did. I'm working on uploading pictures to Shutterfly to create photo books to experience it over and over again.
There's nothing better than having a fantastic vacation, and nothing better than coming home to your very own bed.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
A Brighter (Storm-filled) Day
Okay, so as I knew while writing my last entry, though could not fathom in my conscious thought, being put on the waiting list is not the end of the world. There are other plans, other options, other paths my life my take. I will go on. It still hurt, but it is not the end of me.
My 15-year-old cousin was in a terrible car wreck, head-on highway speed, a week and a half ago. Miraculously, all three occupants of the car are alive, and more miraculously, Lori is home and walking and talking. She's got a long road ahead of her, but she is a living miracle. She is a fantastic runner, and earned a varsity letter and attended state last year, her first in track. She was looking forward to this year's cross country team with excitement. She's now been told that she can't run for six months. A small worry when you've just survived something everyone thought should have killed you, but disappointing just the same. Instead of being upset, this amazing girl is planning to volunteer with the team, and go with them to meets to cheer them on. A true team player, a person whose Plan with a capital p was torn to shreds, yet still sees life as a journey to be enjoyed.
I'm searching job sites, combing hospital openings, seeking out possible apprenticeships. I've applied for several jobs and looked into other avenues to become a nurse. I might be down, but I'm not out. I'm too good for that. Life is a journey meant to be enjoyed.
My 15-year-old cousin was in a terrible car wreck, head-on highway speed, a week and a half ago. Miraculously, all three occupants of the car are alive, and more miraculously, Lori is home and walking and talking. She's got a long road ahead of her, but she is a living miracle. She is a fantastic runner, and earned a varsity letter and attended state last year, her first in track. She was looking forward to this year's cross country team with excitement. She's now been told that she can't run for six months. A small worry when you've just survived something everyone thought should have killed you, but disappointing just the same. Instead of being upset, this amazing girl is planning to volunteer with the team, and go with them to meets to cheer them on. A true team player, a person whose Plan with a capital p was torn to shreds, yet still sees life as a journey to be enjoyed.
I'm searching job sites, combing hospital openings, seeking out possible apprenticeships. I've applied for several jobs and looked into other avenues to become a nurse. I might be down, but I'm not out. I'm too good for that. Life is a journey meant to be enjoyed.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Wanted: A New Plan
Warning: this entry is rated R due to offensive language. Please avert eyes if that sort of thing offends you.
I've been waiting for June 30 for a long time, ever since my phone interview with the nursing school a month and a half ago. The 30th came a day early over here, and...not good.
I ran to the mailbox like I do every day lately, just to check. Today, and envelope! From UW-Oshkosh! Yay! Then, fuck. This envelope is skinny. That's not good. Tear open to flap, skim the skimpy little letter with a desperate hope that this was just the first of two or something. No such luck. "Thank you so much for applying...the program is highly competitive, blah blah blabbity blah. Waiting list."
So that's that. The fucking waiting list. Accepted applicants have until July 9 to secure their spot. After that, they might offer entry to someone on the waiting list. Only, how many are on this sucky-ass waiting list? How many usually get accepted after being on the waiting list? Does being on the waiting list give me any sort of benefit for future attempts, or is basically a 'it's not you, it's me thing, where everybody knows that "waiting list" is code for NOT FUCKING ACCEPTED, stop wasting your time and your hope.'
What now?
This has been my Plan with a capital P. This was going to save me and my family from poverty, give my life meaning, propel me forward. I had a Plan.
Now I'm floundering again. I'm almost 30 for crissake, and I still am applying to and getting rejected from jobs where the only requirement is 'high school graduate.'
I spent a lot of time this afternoon feeling sorry for myself, and am currently drowning my sorrows in a glass of red wine. Tomorrow, I have to start anew. Apply for jobs. Update the resume. Search.
What do I do now? What the fuck do I do now?
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Brilliant
Today, Sofia and I created a masterpiece. It is my mom's birthday tomorrow, and I thought it would be fun for Sofia to paint a terra cotta pot for her. She loves to paint, Mom loves plants, perfect solution.
And it was. The pot looks fabulous. Sofia carefully chose just the right colors and painted a beautiful pot. It looks great. We even put two little handprints, which Sofie thought was just the greatest. And then we put a plant inside. You know, the kind with dirt and water. Water.
Now the pot is sticky. It still looks great, but you can. not. touch. the. pot. Turns out, the washable kids paint that is so great because it never stains her clothes, making clean-up a breeze also washes off pretty well after it's been dried. On a terra cotta pot. I think instead of making a present for Grandma, we created a mess.
Brilliant.
And it was. The pot looks fabulous. Sofia carefully chose just the right colors and painted a beautiful pot. It looks great. We even put two little handprints, which Sofie thought was just the greatest. And then we put a plant inside. You know, the kind with dirt and water. Water.
Now the pot is sticky. It still looks great, but you can. not. touch. the. pot. Turns out, the washable kids paint that is so great because it never stains her clothes, making clean-up a breeze also washes off pretty well after it's been dried. On a terra cotta pot. I think instead of making a present for Grandma, we created a mess.
Brilliant.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
A sibling, someday
I know this may seem counterintuitive based on my recent complaining and complete lack of patience, but I am so ready to have another baby.
and I know. I KNOW. We aren't ready. The timing isn't right. I need to finish school first, and I'm excited for that part. I just wish I didn't have to wait.
I see pictures of siblings, and I tear up inside. I watch a kid Sofie's age love on their younger brother or sister, I hear stories of kids playing together, fighting together, growing up together and I feel like Sofia's missing out. I feel that I am missing out. I am missing those souls that belong in our family that haven't yet arrived.
I'm afraid that not having a sibling, not having to share, having four adults dote on her at all times is making Sofia spoiled. She's the ultimate only child. Yet, is that a bad thing? Two of my best friends are only children, and they are the most thoughtful, generous, loving, interesting, wonderful people I know. They have both said that part of them at different points in their lives has wished that they'd had a brother or sister. Who among us, though, hasn't at one point wondered what it would be like if we had less siblings? Or no siblings?
I wonder about my future child often. I think of names, I wonder how he or she will be different from Sofia. Will they be similar in some ways? What characteristics will make the new baby unique? I wonder about the age difference. Will five or six years be too many? Will Sofia and he/she be close? Will they still be able to play together?
And I wonder, terrified, if there will be another baby. Will we have the same problems we had before? Will we try and try and have our hearts ripped out over and over again, never to be blessed with another miracle? That nagging miscarriage fear is always there. Am I strong enough to lose three more babies?
My family is not complete, and I yearn for those souls yet to come. I have to trust that they'll come when their time is right.
and I know. I KNOW. We aren't ready. The timing isn't right. I need to finish school first, and I'm excited for that part. I just wish I didn't have to wait.
I see pictures of siblings, and I tear up inside. I watch a kid Sofie's age love on their younger brother or sister, I hear stories of kids playing together, fighting together, growing up together and I feel like Sofia's missing out. I feel that I am missing out. I am missing those souls that belong in our family that haven't yet arrived.
I'm afraid that not having a sibling, not having to share, having four adults dote on her at all times is making Sofia spoiled. She's the ultimate only child. Yet, is that a bad thing? Two of my best friends are only children, and they are the most thoughtful, generous, loving, interesting, wonderful people I know. They have both said that part of them at different points in their lives has wished that they'd had a brother or sister. Who among us, though, hasn't at one point wondered what it would be like if we had less siblings? Or no siblings?
I wonder about my future child often. I think of names, I wonder how he or she will be different from Sofia. Will they be similar in some ways? What characteristics will make the new baby unique? I wonder about the age difference. Will five or six years be too many? Will Sofia and he/she be close? Will they still be able to play together?
And I wonder, terrified, if there will be another baby. Will we have the same problems we had before? Will we try and try and have our hearts ripped out over and over again, never to be blessed with another miracle? That nagging miscarriage fear is always there. Am I strong enough to lose three more babies?
My family is not complete, and I yearn for those souls yet to come. I have to trust that they'll come when their time is right.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Worth it
and then, after a day when I felt like my daughter would hate me forever, she wraps her precious little arms around my neck, gives me a loud smooch, and says, "Mommy, you're my best friend."
and you are mine, Sofie.
and you are mine, Sofie.
Monday, June 7, 2010
Crabby Days
It's not been a very good few days around here.
I'm not sure which came first, but the effect is the same. Sofia is crabby. Whiney. Negative. Whiney. Grouchy. Whiney. Sad. Did I mention whiney?
I have zero patience. Everything makes me crazy. I yell. I pout. I try to keep from crying and count to ten. I try to remember that she's two, that we're both fighting a cold, that this is completely normal. And then I yell again.
I hate the mother I'm becoming, at least right now. I can't seem to get anything done, and the things I am able to do, nothing goes right. I hate when I lose my temper, when my patience is thin and I'm always just a step away from the end of my rope.
What of this will she remember? I've always thought of myself as a good mom, a patient mom, a mom that doesn't yell, that thinks of fun things to do, that loves her child more than life itself and would never want to send her to the moon, even for the day. But lately, when my first attempts at fixing the situation don't work, my next attempts are less than effective. Getting frustrated is guaranteed not the perk my daughter out of her bad mood.
Being a stay-at-home mom is tough. Having been both a work-outside the home mom and a stay at home mom, both present their own challenges. When I worked full-time, being with Sofia was my respite, my me time. I was over-joyed just to be with her, and to do the things that need doing at home. Since I hadn't been with her all day, all I wanted to do was play toys, do fun things, and enjoy my girl. It was incredibly difficult to leave each morning, especially the mornings when Sofia hadn't woken up yet. I hated that I was missing her life, that she was growing up and I wasn't a part of most of her day-to-days. It was so hard to get everything done that a mom needs to do at home, and remaining productive at work was difficult. My heart and mind were elsewhere.
Now, I get to be home with my girl. I see her almost every waking moment, and I do cherish it. There is always lots to get done around the house and at the farm, and I'm never bored. I love having the time with Sofia, and I know she likes having me around. However, because I am here all day, I sometimes miss the moments of playing and imagining because I'm busy with dishes or lambs or vacuuming or everything else that needs to get done. Because I don't get a respite, my temper gets short. My crabby days get multiplied because I don't have an outlet away from Sofia.
So, today I made more of an effort to do fun things together. We created an on-line book, found Sesame Street coloring pages, and tried to do a craft together. For about five minutes, it was great. Then, the whining, crying, say-no-so-everything behavior started. Again. And I feel like a failure.
So, we'll count to ten, read stories, and just make it through today. Perhaps tomorrow will be better.
I'm not sure which came first, but the effect is the same. Sofia is crabby. Whiney. Negative. Whiney. Grouchy. Whiney. Sad. Did I mention whiney?
I have zero patience. Everything makes me crazy. I yell. I pout. I try to keep from crying and count to ten. I try to remember that she's two, that we're both fighting a cold, that this is completely normal. And then I yell again.
I hate the mother I'm becoming, at least right now. I can't seem to get anything done, and the things I am able to do, nothing goes right. I hate when I lose my temper, when my patience is thin and I'm always just a step away from the end of my rope.
What of this will she remember? I've always thought of myself as a good mom, a patient mom, a mom that doesn't yell, that thinks of fun things to do, that loves her child more than life itself and would never want to send her to the moon, even for the day. But lately, when my first attempts at fixing the situation don't work, my next attempts are less than effective. Getting frustrated is guaranteed not the perk my daughter out of her bad mood.
Being a stay-at-home mom is tough. Having been both a work-outside the home mom and a stay at home mom, both present their own challenges. When I worked full-time, being with Sofia was my respite, my me time. I was over-joyed just to be with her, and to do the things that need doing at home. Since I hadn't been with her all day, all I wanted to do was play toys, do fun things, and enjoy my girl. It was incredibly difficult to leave each morning, especially the mornings when Sofia hadn't woken up yet. I hated that I was missing her life, that she was growing up and I wasn't a part of most of her day-to-days. It was so hard to get everything done that a mom needs to do at home, and remaining productive at work was difficult. My heart and mind were elsewhere.
Now, I get to be home with my girl. I see her almost every waking moment, and I do cherish it. There is always lots to get done around the house and at the farm, and I'm never bored. I love having the time with Sofia, and I know she likes having me around. However, because I am here all day, I sometimes miss the moments of playing and imagining because I'm busy with dishes or lambs or vacuuming or everything else that needs to get done. Because I don't get a respite, my temper gets short. My crabby days get multiplied because I don't have an outlet away from Sofia.
So, today I made more of an effort to do fun things together. We created an on-line book, found Sesame Street coloring pages, and tried to do a craft together. For about five minutes, it was great. Then, the whining, crying, say-no-so-everything behavior started. Again. And I feel like a failure.
So, we'll count to ten, read stories, and just make it through today. Perhaps tomorrow will be better.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Return of the Sun
Well, the sun has made its reappearance, and we couldn't be happier. Julio and I snuck out with Sofia to the lake this morning, said hello to a family of geese and went down the slide more times than I can count.
We do have a little diva in the making, which I am trying so hard to nip in the bud. She is constantly bossing everybody around. Close the windows. I want Mommy to drive. I don't want you to wear your glasses. No, that's my mommy.
Life isn't all about you, little chick. I know we've made it seem that way since the minute you were born, because we do love you more than life itself and would actually do anything for you and want to give you every single thing you want. Really, we do. Thing is, though, that not everybody else does. People are going to tell you no. You will be rejected, probably teased, and stepped on a little bit. You are going to have rainy days when you wanted sun. Things just don't always go your way. And while I want you to fight for what is right and stand up for yourself, there are times you are just going to have to go with the flow. And like the waterfall that you couldn't turn off because it was too loud, you cannot control where that flow flows. Life's wild like that. Unfortunately, it isn't all about you.
We do have a little diva in the making, which I am trying so hard to nip in the bud. She is constantly bossing everybody around. Close the windows. I want Mommy to drive. I don't want you to wear your glasses. No, that's my mommy.
Life isn't all about you, little chick. I know we've made it seem that way since the minute you were born, because we do love you more than life itself and would actually do anything for you and want to give you every single thing you want. Really, we do. Thing is, though, that not everybody else does. People are going to tell you no. You will be rejected, probably teased, and stepped on a little bit. You are going to have rainy days when you wanted sun. Things just don't always go your way. And while I want you to fight for what is right and stand up for yourself, there are times you are just going to have to go with the flow. And like the waterfall that you couldn't turn off because it was too loud, you cannot control where that flow flows. Life's wild like that. Unfortunately, it isn't all about you.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
March and May
I think March and May definitely got confused this month. While in March, we donned shorts, waded in lakes and counted our blessings in degrees, so far this May, rain gear and snow boots have been the attire. The very day lambing began, so did the onslaught of cold, rain and wind. And snow. Baby lambs do not like cold, rain, and wind. Or snow.
We're up to our eyeballs in cold baby lambs, and in our haste to protect them from the oncoming storm, we moved a momma and new baby that were bonded well in the field up into the barn, only to find the baby electrocuted by the fencer. Lesson learned and fencer switched off, but too late. I seriously gave the compusling baby CPR, and then cried. Its poor mother has sat, unmoved by its little stiff body, in the rain.
But, today is a new day, though just as blustery. Another mom had more babies than she can feed, and the poor, lamb-less mama is the proud adoptive mother of one of the other babies.
Last evening, Sofia spent five hours with Grandpa and me out in the fields, trying to sort out babies and mamas and bring everyone to dry and safety. She was such a good girl, patient and quiet, calm and observant. We had to assist several moms give birth, and she asked, calmly, "Did that lambie die?" Thankfully, that time, I got to respond that no, that lamb made it. She's up and nursing on her mama.
We're hoping the weather dries up a bit, and adds a few ticks on the thermometer. Life would be easier on us all.
I had the second interview for nursing school, and I feel like it went really well. Now, I just wait. I can't apply for financial aid until I am formally accepted, and they don't have to make their final decisions until June 30. Meanwhile, I cross my fingers, make plans for the fall, and finish the one prerequisite I have left to complete.
And feed baby lambs.
We're up to our eyeballs in cold baby lambs, and in our haste to protect them from the oncoming storm, we moved a momma and new baby that were bonded well in the field up into the barn, only to find the baby electrocuted by the fencer. Lesson learned and fencer switched off, but too late. I seriously gave the compusling baby CPR, and then cried. Its poor mother has sat, unmoved by its little stiff body, in the rain.
But, today is a new day, though just as blustery. Another mom had more babies than she can feed, and the poor, lamb-less mama is the proud adoptive mother of one of the other babies.
Last evening, Sofia spent five hours with Grandpa and me out in the fields, trying to sort out babies and mamas and bring everyone to dry and safety. She was such a good girl, patient and quiet, calm and observant. We had to assist several moms give birth, and she asked, calmly, "Did that lambie die?" Thankfully, that time, I got to respond that no, that lamb made it. She's up and nursing on her mama.
We're hoping the weather dries up a bit, and adds a few ticks on the thermometer. Life would be easier on us all.
I had the second interview for nursing school, and I feel like it went really well. Now, I just wait. I can't apply for financial aid until I am formally accepted, and they don't have to make their final decisions until June 30. Meanwhile, I cross my fingers, make plans for the fall, and finish the one prerequisite I have left to complete.
And feed baby lambs.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Nursing School application continues
Interview number one. Check.
Must have done okay, because I have interview number two tomorrow. Am scared. Am nervous. How to talk without stumbling over umms and ahhs?
Must go prepare answers and compulsively read everything about this program to show that I am, indeed, truly ready.
Yikes.
Must have done okay, because I have interview number two tomorrow. Am scared. Am nervous. How to talk without stumbling over umms and ahhs?
Must go prepare answers and compulsively read everything about this program to show that I am, indeed, truly ready.
Yikes.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Last year of twenty-something...
So, I turned 29. Twenty-nine. 2-9. The last birthday that starts with twenty.
How?
Turns out, very happily. Julio made me the most delicious chocolate cake I've even eaten in my life. Seriously. Like Sarah said, we can't even call it cake. That would just make all the other cakes feel bad. Also, to-die-for lamb chops on the grill. I don't even want to think about all the calories I consumed on Saturday, only to remember that IT WAS WORTH IT. We had a fantastic time playing Hoopla and just being together. I am skipping into my thirtieth year, happy that I know my path and that I am where I belong.
In farm news, we have movement on the turkey front. Not only did two hens lay an entire nest, they are both currently setting. If all goes well, we should have poults in approximately 24 days! We also have an incubator up and running for the turkey eggs we gathered before allowing the hens to build their nests. We will put the eggs in tomorrow, and in 28 days, if we're lucky, we should have another batch of poults. I'm so excited! You should have seen how giddy I was the day I first found a turkey egg in their hut. Seriously.
The trees are starting to blossom; the flower crab apple tree burst open its blooms this morning, while the cherry and apple trees are moving closer to full-on flowering. A little early, but a beautiful sight to behold.
How?
Turns out, very happily. Julio made me the most delicious chocolate cake I've even eaten in my life. Seriously. Like Sarah said, we can't even call it cake. That would just make all the other cakes feel bad. Also, to-die-for lamb chops on the grill. I don't even want to think about all the calories I consumed on Saturday, only to remember that IT WAS WORTH IT. We had a fantastic time playing Hoopla and just being together. I am skipping into my thirtieth year, happy that I know my path and that I am where I belong.
In farm news, we have movement on the turkey front. Not only did two hens lay an entire nest, they are both currently setting. If all goes well, we should have poults in approximately 24 days! We also have an incubator up and running for the turkey eggs we gathered before allowing the hens to build their nests. We will put the eggs in tomorrow, and in 28 days, if we're lucky, we should have another batch of poults. I'm so excited! You should have seen how giddy I was the day I first found a turkey egg in their hut. Seriously.
The trees are starting to blossom; the flower crab apple tree burst open its blooms this morning, while the cherry and apple trees are moving closer to full-on flowering. A little early, but a beautiful sight to behold.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Eek!
I'm about to send in my application for nursing school. I'm terrified. I want so badly to be accepted, to begin the program, to become a nurse. I know I'd be a great candidate, I just hope they know it, too.
Wish me luck!
Wish me luck!
Monday, March 15, 2010
A Promise of Spring
God, I love spring. The very first tastes of sunshine and warm weather and more grass than snow on the ground. Every day feels like a treasure that can't be wasted. We've spent an entire winter either indoors or encumbered by winter jackets, mittens and hats, that any moment not spent soaking in the spring like sun in short sleeves is pure gold. Never mind that the world is full of mud (hey, if you are two years old, a world made of mud is a treasure, too!) and the trees and grass are still brown, with only a few, brave sprigs daring to poke their green heads out of the ground. Still, a treasure. There are geese, ducks, and cranes making their presence known by their cacophonous voices and a few rare glimpses of their majesty.
The very first days of spring make the winter worth it. Being able to fully appreciate the sun and weather that doesn't require covering your arms, to know what the world is like without cranes, geese, green grass and sunshine, can be a gift. If only that gift didn't last so long.
The very first days of spring make the winter worth it. Being able to fully appreciate the sun and weather that doesn't require covering your arms, to know what the world is like without cranes, geese, green grass and sunshine, can be a gift. If only that gift didn't last so long.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Tom Pease
My two year old can boogie. Boogie down.
We went with our dear friends to a kids' concert this weekend, a performer who I used to watch as a kid and adored. I had a bunch of cassettes, and can still sing along and do all the motions.
Tom Pease is infectious. By watching, you can just tell how much he loves kids (and grown-ups, too). In turn, the kids love him, and I saw more than one grown-up bopping along, not just because their kid was watching, but because they were having fun!
Sofia loved every second. She was the first kid to get up out of her seat and dance in the aisle. She spun in circles, bopped up and down, sang along, and performed all the actions.
I'm currently looking up all the old albums on CD and more performance dates in our area. This is fun that has to be had again.
PS. Waisman Center, from the people in the middle section, fourth row back; we're sorry. I'm sure the milk, squashed grapes and crunched crackers weren't all that fun to clean up. We did our best. Our kids sure had fun, though!
We went with our dear friends to a kids' concert this weekend, a performer who I used to watch as a kid and adored. I had a bunch of cassettes, and can still sing along and do all the motions.
Tom Pease is infectious. By watching, you can just tell how much he loves kids (and grown-ups, too). In turn, the kids love him, and I saw more than one grown-up bopping along, not just because their kid was watching, but because they were having fun!
Sofia loved every second. She was the first kid to get up out of her seat and dance in the aisle. She spun in circles, bopped up and down, sang along, and performed all the actions.
I'm currently looking up all the old albums on CD and more performance dates in our area. This is fun that has to be had again.
PS. Waisman Center, from the people in the middle section, fourth row back; we're sorry. I'm sure the milk, squashed grapes and crunched crackers weren't all that fun to clean up. We did our best. Our kids sure had fun, though!
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Future's so bright...
After weeks, months, years, of hem hawing around, not committing, never being sure, my future is getting a path.
I had an appointment with an advisor for the accelerated second degree nursing program at UW-Oshkosh, and it seems that all systems are go. I'm super excited, and plan on submitting my application tomorrow.
I also have to call BirthWise, a birth center in Appleton. They are offering a midwife apprenticeship, which is exactly what I'd like to do. Weighing the two options is difficult. Ultimately, my goal as a nurse is to be a midwife, or Nurse Practitioner in OB. The apprenticeship route might get me there much faster. I might also make me less employable. There are relatively few places actually hiring midwives, especially ones without nursing degrees. I plan to meet with the midwives to find out more specifics about the program, and weigh both options.
I have a plan! I have a path!
In bigger news, Sofia has earned her BIG! PRESENT! A blue boa with a bright red tongue and propensity to chase the nearest grown-up for a tickle. Or bite, depending on its mood.
And she's still putting her number 1 and number 2 into the potty, which is a bonus.
I had an appointment with an advisor for the accelerated second degree nursing program at UW-Oshkosh, and it seems that all systems are go. I'm super excited, and plan on submitting my application tomorrow.
I also have to call BirthWise, a birth center in Appleton. They are offering a midwife apprenticeship, which is exactly what I'd like to do. Weighing the two options is difficult. Ultimately, my goal as a nurse is to be a midwife, or Nurse Practitioner in OB. The apprenticeship route might get me there much faster. I might also make me less employable. There are relatively few places actually hiring midwives, especially ones without nursing degrees. I plan to meet with the midwives to find out more specifics about the program, and weigh both options.
I have a plan! I have a path!
In bigger news, Sofia has earned her BIG! PRESENT! A blue boa with a bright red tongue and propensity to chase the nearest grown-up for a tickle. Or bite, depending on its mood.
And she's still putting her number 1 and number 2 into the potty, which is a bonus.
Monday, March 1, 2010
March
Welcome, March! The promise of spring, the beginning of green. Even though the ground is still covered in snow, the bright sunshine and warm winds have me breathing a breath of fresh air. The winter might yet end!
Things are plodding along over here, as I look into where my future should lead. I have an appointment this week, and I hope to figure some things out. I want this show on the road!
With all my free time, I am trying to catch up on my picture project. I had left off December 2008, and when you take as many pictures as I do, there is a lot to wade through. I can't believe how little Sofia was just over a year ago! I've made it to May, and am on a mission to catch up.
Sofia has been into so much imaginary play lately; it is so fun to watch. The newest joy is pretending to be a doctor and giving everyone check-ups. She uses a ribbon as her stethoscope, though, and a pen to give shots, so I think a doctor kit is in her near future. Perhaps as the 'big present' promised from the potty training extravaganza. Although her grandpa has convinced her she wants a snake. Thanks, Dad.
I feel so blessed for my incredible family and wonderful friends. I am not a good communicator, and often go weeks without talking to those important to me. I can be a hermit and hole up at home with just my family, and even with all that, I am enveloped by those who truly care.
Things are plodding along over here, as I look into where my future should lead. I have an appointment this week, and I hope to figure some things out. I want this show on the road!
With all my free time, I am trying to catch up on my picture project. I had left off December 2008, and when you take as many pictures as I do, there is a lot to wade through. I can't believe how little Sofia was just over a year ago! I've made it to May, and am on a mission to catch up.
Sofia has been into so much imaginary play lately; it is so fun to watch. The newest joy is pretending to be a doctor and giving everyone check-ups. She uses a ribbon as her stethoscope, though, and a pen to give shots, so I think a doctor kit is in her near future. Perhaps as the 'big present' promised from the potty training extravaganza. Although her grandpa has convinced her she wants a snake. Thanks, Dad.
I feel so blessed for my incredible family and wonderful friends. I am not a good communicator, and often go weeks without talking to those important to me. I can be a hermit and hole up at home with just my family, and even with all that, I am enveloped by those who truly care.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
How Appropriate
Sofia has been owning the potty. She is able to tell us for both number one and number two, and the only accidents we've had lately came during naptime and timeout (cue the mommy-guilt on that one). We're still rewarding every success (with m&m's - food as reward, I know...I know...), and she has decided that she gets "two of them" every time. I oblige, every time, and every time (seriously EVERY TIME) she selects one yellow one and one brown one. How fitting, love. Number one and number two. Perfect.
Saturday, February 20, 2010
That Backbone of Mine
Remember my quest to grow a backbone? Well, I'm making progress, but not exactly in the fashion I imagined.
I quit. With no notice, nothing. Just quit. I had had enough. More than enough, actually.
I don't want to get into too many details, since this is public, after all, but here I am, unemployed again. I don't feel so lost this time, though. There are a few directions I can go in, and some actual jobs that I qualify for. I want to do Physician's Assistant school. I will find a way, somehow. Julio is more than supportive, and I love him for it. Missy sent me flowers and a congratulations. Everybody is happy for me. I will be, too.
Now, I must wrest myself from the computer and go DO. I have jobs to apply for, schools to research, and a house to clean. My vacuum needs exercising. I guess I do, too.
I quit. With no notice, nothing. Just quit. I had had enough. More than enough, actually.
I don't want to get into too many details, since this is public, after all, but here I am, unemployed again. I don't feel so lost this time, though. There are a few directions I can go in, and some actual jobs that I qualify for. I want to do Physician's Assistant school. I will find a way, somehow. Julio is more than supportive, and I love him for it. Missy sent me flowers and a congratulations. Everybody is happy for me. I will be, too.
Now, I must wrest myself from the computer and go DO. I have jobs to apply for, schools to research, and a house to clean. My vacuum needs exercising. I guess I do, too.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Just Keep Swimming
Life just keeps blowing past at tornado speed, and I'm just not sure how we got here.
Sofia is still plugging away at the true test of big-girl-ness, and doing very well. She hasn't yet won her big present, but is managing to stay dry most of the time, and has, on occasion, remembered to put number two where it belongs. Still working on that, but we are so proud of her! She's pretty proud of herself, too. Walk into our bathroom and see the jar of M&M's; you'll know we have a toddler in the house.
Speaking of the toddler, she really isn't much of a toddler anymore. She's all big girl. She talks in full sentences with correct grammar, with only some mistakes. She still calls it "sesareet", macamoni and cheese, and doesn't quite understand the difference between he and she. However, she can recognize most letters and numbers, and surprised me the other day by saying, "p, p, p, p, Polar starts with P!" She counts in both languages (though fourteen is still her nemesis), and is really improving at putting together puzzles. She used to get so frustrated when she couldn't get it right the first time, but she really concentrates to figure it out now. She has an imagination that doesn't quit. I love her stories and silly games and watching her play with her stuffed animals and dolls in all sorts of ways. She sleeps with a menagerie, complete with bear, puppy, pink blanket, deer, and 'sesareet' which includes each of Big Bird, Elmo, Abby, Cookie Monster, Grover, and Kermit. She loves the toddler doll she got for Christmas, which she has dubbed Tigger. She plays catch, and sometimes actually catches the ball! She loves to run run run everywhere. She's quite the kid.
Sarah, Sofia and I went to DC this past week during a snowstorm (seriously, they have more snow than we do-by a lot!) to meet baby Anika and spend time with Johanna. My niece is so precious; we all adore her. Sofia especially. She held her and caressed her and talked to her and loved on her. Truly heart-melting.
Life at the paper is...well...I'm looking into school. I'm tired of the drama, tired of the poor management, tired of constantly being blamed. She really thinks I should be able to do all the reporting in just a few hours, and should be able to finish the paper all by myself. Mondays have been long lately (though not 2 or 3 am, which is wonderful), but she leaves almost two hours before I get to. Then, if there is a mistake (which there invariably is because I've been there for 16 hours), I get blamed for it. Completely frustrating.
School, however, remains an abstract. There are waiting lists on waiting lists, and I am ineligible for financial aid for an ADN (associates degree in nursing) since I already have a bachelor's degree. I'm considering Physician's Assistant school, but there doesn't appear to be a program within an hour and a half from home.
I'm just ready for spring. Everything feels better when there is sunshine and green grass outside.
Sofia is still plugging away at the true test of big-girl-ness, and doing very well. She hasn't yet won her big present, but is managing to stay dry most of the time, and has, on occasion, remembered to put number two where it belongs. Still working on that, but we are so proud of her! She's pretty proud of herself, too. Walk into our bathroom and see the jar of M&M's; you'll know we have a toddler in the house.
Speaking of the toddler, she really isn't much of a toddler anymore. She's all big girl. She talks in full sentences with correct grammar, with only some mistakes. She still calls it "sesareet", macamoni and cheese, and doesn't quite understand the difference between he and she. However, she can recognize most letters and numbers, and surprised me the other day by saying, "p, p, p, p, Polar starts with P!" She counts in both languages (though fourteen is still her nemesis), and is really improving at putting together puzzles. She used to get so frustrated when she couldn't get it right the first time, but she really concentrates to figure it out now. She has an imagination that doesn't quit. I love her stories and silly games and watching her play with her stuffed animals and dolls in all sorts of ways. She sleeps with a menagerie, complete with bear, puppy, pink blanket, deer, and 'sesareet' which includes each of Big Bird, Elmo, Abby, Cookie Monster, Grover, and Kermit. She loves the toddler doll she got for Christmas, which she has dubbed Tigger. She plays catch, and sometimes actually catches the ball! She loves to run run run everywhere. She's quite the kid.
Sarah, Sofia and I went to DC this past week during a snowstorm (seriously, they have more snow than we do-by a lot!) to meet baby Anika and spend time with Johanna. My niece is so precious; we all adore her. Sofia especially. She held her and caressed her and talked to her and loved on her. Truly heart-melting.
Life at the paper is...well...I'm looking into school. I'm tired of the drama, tired of the poor management, tired of constantly being blamed. She really thinks I should be able to do all the reporting in just a few hours, and should be able to finish the paper all by myself. Mondays have been long lately (though not 2 or 3 am, which is wonderful), but she leaves almost two hours before I get to. Then, if there is a mistake (which there invariably is because I've been there for 16 hours), I get blamed for it. Completely frustrating.
School, however, remains an abstract. There are waiting lists on waiting lists, and I am ineligible for financial aid for an ADN (associates degree in nursing) since I already have a bachelor's degree. I'm considering Physician's Assistant school, but there doesn't appear to be a program within an hour and a half from home.
I'm just ready for spring. Everything feels better when there is sunshine and green grass outside.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Success?
Not about what you might think, but we may have a new development over here...potty training success! Now, lest I proclaim "Mission Accomplished" while the troops are still in battle, it does appear that we are headed in that direction. We made it all day with only one accident (the number two kind, of course), and potty success at every attempt. Without tears! Much better than my near-tearful confession yesterday morning as a wet-panted girl waltzes into the livingroom not two minutes after we came off the potty because "i can't do it!" that THIS. IS. NOT. GOING. WELL. We should quit. Bah.
Never mind that we are still in the bare-bottomed stage, which means she cannot miss that she is peeing, with no diaper or training panty to lessen the drench. We may have a wrench thrown into our success as she goes back to daycare. But! We are committed! And the most exciting part, Sofia is committed, too. I thought it was a one-way street, but it appears that my big girl is officially putting on her big girl panties. Pun intended, of course.
Never mind that we are still in the bare-bottomed stage, which means she cannot miss that she is peeing, with no diaper or training panty to lessen the drench. We may have a wrench thrown into our success as she goes back to daycare. But! We are committed! And the most exciting part, Sofia is committed, too. I thought it was a one-way street, but it appears that my big girl is officially putting on her big girl panties. Pun intended, of course.
Friday, January 15, 2010
Mid-January Check-up
The month of January is half over, which is a good time for New Year's Resolution monitoring.
Number one resolution: grow a backbone. On this front, I'm succeeding, mostly. Little by little, anyway. I stood up for myself, and am continuing to stand up for myself at my current job. That is good. There is room for improvement, however. I need to be able to keep that backbone, and transfer it to other situations. Like moving forward, for instance. I need to make two phone calls that I'm scared to make. One to the technical college where I hope to enroll as soon as possible, and the other to the county to see if we can possibly keep our badgercare insurance, especially now that I am moving to part time and becoming a student. Hopefully. Goal: By the middle of next week, have made both of those phone calls, with movement toward action.
Number two resolution: the perpetual 'lose 30 pounds' resolution. That one isn't going so well. I have a sweet tooth that you wouldn't believe. I crave fat, sugar, and all things bad for me. I don't make time for exercise.
I can do this. I can take control of myself, control my cravings and get my butt in gear, literally. I always feel better when I exercise, so why is it so hard to motivate to do? It shouldn't be.
Goals for this week: 1) Drink water all day. That will help to curb my fake hunger. Perhaps, when craving a snack-upon, drink a glass of water first. 2) Just say no. Recognize the cravings, then remember how much I'd like to lose this extra weight. How I hate to look at pictures of myself. How I want to not feel fat. And, 3) Exercise each day. Even if just a little. 10 minute walk here, 10 minutes of jumping on the trampoline there. Just something.
Humph. Not half an hour later, and I'm eating at tootsie roll. Boo. But, I did get a glass of water. Step one. I'll enjoy this little morsel and move on.
Number one resolution: grow a backbone. On this front, I'm succeeding, mostly. Little by little, anyway. I stood up for myself, and am continuing to stand up for myself at my current job. That is good. There is room for improvement, however. I need to be able to keep that backbone, and transfer it to other situations. Like moving forward, for instance. I need to make two phone calls that I'm scared to make. One to the technical college where I hope to enroll as soon as possible, and the other to the county to see if we can possibly keep our badgercare insurance, especially now that I am moving to part time and becoming a student. Hopefully. Goal: By the middle of next week, have made both of those phone calls, with movement toward action.
Number two resolution: the perpetual 'lose 30 pounds' resolution. That one isn't going so well. I have a sweet tooth that you wouldn't believe. I crave fat, sugar, and all things bad for me. I don't make time for exercise.
I can do this. I can take control of myself, control my cravings and get my butt in gear, literally. I always feel better when I exercise, so why is it so hard to motivate to do? It shouldn't be.
Goals for this week: 1) Drink water all day. That will help to curb my fake hunger. Perhaps, when craving a snack-upon, drink a glass of water first. 2) Just say no. Recognize the cravings, then remember how much I'd like to lose this extra weight. How I hate to look at pictures of myself. How I want to not feel fat. And, 3) Exercise each day. Even if just a little. 10 minute walk here, 10 minutes of jumping on the trampoline there. Just something.
Humph. Not half an hour later, and I'm eating at tootsie roll. Boo. But, I did get a glass of water. Step one. I'll enjoy this little morsel and move on.
Friday, January 8, 2010
The Simple Life
I like the simple life. Being able to do dishes with my husband is the kind of luxury you miss when working a million hours a week, coupled with said husband working pm shifts.
We got to do dishes together last night. After eating together, watching football together, taking our Christmas tree down together, playing with our daughter together. Normal, every day kind of stuff. The kind of stuff that really gets missed when you don't take the time to do it.
It was a great evening.
I like the simple life. I like to be able to do laundry and vacuum and cook and read a magazine in the morning and perhaps a book at night. I like just sitting on the floor playing toys with my daughter. I really like being home.
I've learned that about myself relatively recently. Don't get me wrong, I love adventure and traveling and going out and doing something. But I love to be home, doing simple, normal things.
Part of this change is to allow me to have that time, to be the mom I want to be; a mom with time for the normal stuff. I want my daughter to get sick of me, not to constantly miss me.
I've got the number to call to start LPN classes. I'm going to do it, today.
We celebrated Kings' Day yesterday, the Parra tradition. It didn't get to be all day, like it should be, since I worked until 3 pm. The kings were lazy, apparently, because they didn't make it under our tree until after dinner time, but Sofia was thrilled nonetheless. Los Reyes brought her stacks of books, which she actually seemed to like. I was extremely proud, too, that when she saw a few presents under the tree, she passed them out to her daddy and me, and then asked if there was one for her. Sharing. What a gem.
We got the tree taken down, we ate our lasagna and lemon meringue pie, drank our hot chocolate with candy canes, and even uncorked a bottle of wine.
We don't get as much family time, all of us together as we should. It was much needed.
We got to do dishes together last night. After eating together, watching football together, taking our Christmas tree down together, playing with our daughter together. Normal, every day kind of stuff. The kind of stuff that really gets missed when you don't take the time to do it.
It was a great evening.
I like the simple life. I like to be able to do laundry and vacuum and cook and read a magazine in the morning and perhaps a book at night. I like just sitting on the floor playing toys with my daughter. I really like being home.
I've learned that about myself relatively recently. Don't get me wrong, I love adventure and traveling and going out and doing something. But I love to be home, doing simple, normal things.
Part of this change is to allow me to have that time, to be the mom I want to be; a mom with time for the normal stuff. I want my daughter to get sick of me, not to constantly miss me.
I've got the number to call to start LPN classes. I'm going to do it, today.
We celebrated Kings' Day yesterday, the Parra tradition. It didn't get to be all day, like it should be, since I worked until 3 pm. The kings were lazy, apparently, because they didn't make it under our tree until after dinner time, but Sofia was thrilled nonetheless. Los Reyes brought her stacks of books, which she actually seemed to like. I was extremely proud, too, that when she saw a few presents under the tree, she passed them out to her daddy and me, and then asked if there was one for her. Sharing. What a gem.
We got the tree taken down, we ate our lasagna and lemon meringue pie, drank our hot chocolate with candy canes, and even uncorked a bottle of wine.
We don't get as much family time, all of us together as we should. It was much needed.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Another New Start
One year ago, we left the home we were building, jobless and hopeless, trying to find the optimism of the journey to come. I was finally going to find my dream, to listen for my calling and fulfill my vocation. And then life stepped in. I began, got my CNA, and then a full-time job. The prospect of having an actual paycheck was powerful, and I dropped the school ball. Then, I started working at the newspaper, and truly enjoyed it, especially at first. I wasn't making much money, but perhaps community news would be my calling. I stopped thinking of school.
After a while, though, I figured out I was being used. There really is no future here, not one that looks like my calling. I was getting angry, and losing time with my family.
The New Year came, and I found my nerve. Told my boss and my friend how I was feeling. And I took a leap.
I start part-time as soon as our new employee can begin. I'm losing a large portion of income, and am scared at how we are going to survive. The fear is outweighed by the prospect of continuing the dream I let slide by.
Maybe not. I'm still scared. I am looking forward, however, to actually getting in school, to actually listening to my calling, assuming I know what it is.
It begins now. I am tired of each year passing, time going through my fingers. I'm not getting older, I don't get these days back. I'm about to turn 29 years old. It's got to start now.
So, I'm dusting off my pencils, digging out my backpack. Whee!
After a while, though, I figured out I was being used. There really is no future here, not one that looks like my calling. I was getting angry, and losing time with my family.
The New Year came, and I found my nerve. Told my boss and my friend how I was feeling. And I took a leap.
I start part-time as soon as our new employee can begin. I'm losing a large portion of income, and am scared at how we are going to survive. The fear is outweighed by the prospect of continuing the dream I let slide by.
Maybe not. I'm still scared. I am looking forward, however, to actually getting in school, to actually listening to my calling, assuming I know what it is.
It begins now. I am tired of each year passing, time going through my fingers. I'm not getting older, I don't get these days back. I'm about to turn 29 years old. It's got to start now.
So, I'm dusting off my pencils, digging out my backpack. Whee!
Friday, January 1, 2010
Day One
So, the very first day of the year, and resolution number one started.
And I'm scared shitless.
That's okay. I told her. I told her that I am being overworked, that I need more consideration, that I don't like the way she's treating me.
And got hung up on. No, I'm not kidding.
And then dealt not with the boss, but with her husband. Until two hours ago, when they both came over and we had a 'meeting'. They had listened to my concerns, and had responses for them, though they still think I should be able to do it all and think I have time management problems. Whatever.
I think I am going to be part time, reporter and layout only. I am going to get back to what I meant to do a year ago; go back to school. Hopefully, I'll take Julio with me. I'm not sure how we'll swing it financially, but somehow we'll manage.
And I'm scared shitless.
That's okay. I told her. I told her that I am being overworked, that I need more consideration, that I don't like the way she's treating me.
And got hung up on. No, I'm not kidding.
And then dealt not with the boss, but with her husband. Until two hours ago, when they both came over and we had a 'meeting'. They had listened to my concerns, and had responses for them, though they still think I should be able to do it all and think I have time management problems. Whatever.
I think I am going to be part time, reporter and layout only. I am going to get back to what I meant to do a year ago; go back to school. Hopefully, I'll take Julio with me. I'm not sure how we'll swing it financially, but somehow we'll manage.
And just like that...2010
We have officially entered a new decade, and what better way to spend the very first day than...
sitting at work.
Exhausted.
I'm seriously questioning why, exactly, I am here. Because you know I am here alone. Yet, not allowed to go home.
This should be my resolution for 2010. Grow a backbone, woman.
Stop letting yourself get pushed around and used up.
I am worked hard, too hard, with nary a thought for my well being. I worked 9 and a half hours yesterday, only to be asked to take New Year's Eve pictures at night, and yes, please still be here by 8 am. My big rebellion was to be here by 8:15 (oooh, the rascal I am) and compose strong, direct email messages that will never be sent to the person who needs to read them.
I've got to talk to her.
I'm a simple person. I like to be home, doing simple things like making dinner, doing laundry, playing train tracks and doll house and Sesame Street characters with my family. I like to have time when it is light outside to go for a walk, take Sofia sledding, and just be fully present in my own life.
Right now, I'm working 50-60 hours a week, and I'm salaried, people. SALARIED. Which means, no over time. And lest you be fooled that it is a good salary, let me assure you that hourly, I'm making less than $6. And no benefits.
Yes, I know that this is a start-up newspaper. Yes, I know that my boss is incredibly busy with her family and the new babies and everything. Yet, she knew this was coming. She knew she was having twins and starting a new business, and she purposefully did not hire someone to help out during her absence. I don't see how this is my problem. I'm being used.
I have tried to talk to her about this, about needing more help, less work, less hours. I haven't been as direct or as strong-willed as I should be, however, and nothing is changing.
I need to grow a backbone. Tell her how this is affecting me, and demand change. I could earn more working 40 hours a week at Fleet Farm, and I bet they offer benefits.
The thing is, I enjoy this work. Just not all 60 hours of it. I like getting into the community, taking pictures, talking to interesting people. I like seeing the pages come together and having a product at the end to show what you've done, a product that people enjoy reading. I don't want to work at Fleet Farm.
Perhaps now is the time to look into school, for both my husband and myself. Perhaps there is a better fit for me somewhere else.
Because I am tired. Just like at my eyes.
So, welcome 2010. This year, I resolve to be strong, stand up for my needs.
Oh, yeah, and to lose 30 pounds. This time, I mean it.
sitting at work.
Exhausted.
I'm seriously questioning why, exactly, I am here. Because you know I am here alone. Yet, not allowed to go home.
This should be my resolution for 2010. Grow a backbone, woman.
Stop letting yourself get pushed around and used up.
I am worked hard, too hard, with nary a thought for my well being. I worked 9 and a half hours yesterday, only to be asked to take New Year's Eve pictures at night, and yes, please still be here by 8 am. My big rebellion was to be here by 8:15 (oooh, the rascal I am) and compose strong, direct email messages that will never be sent to the person who needs to read them.
I've got to talk to her.
I'm a simple person. I like to be home, doing simple things like making dinner, doing laundry, playing train tracks and doll house and Sesame Street characters with my family. I like to have time when it is light outside to go for a walk, take Sofia sledding, and just be fully present in my own life.
Right now, I'm working 50-60 hours a week, and I'm salaried, people. SALARIED. Which means, no over time. And lest you be fooled that it is a good salary, let me assure you that hourly, I'm making less than $6. And no benefits.
Yes, I know that this is a start-up newspaper. Yes, I know that my boss is incredibly busy with her family and the new babies and everything. Yet, she knew this was coming. She knew she was having twins and starting a new business, and she purposefully did not hire someone to help out during her absence. I don't see how this is my problem. I'm being used.
I have tried to talk to her about this, about needing more help, less work, less hours. I haven't been as direct or as strong-willed as I should be, however, and nothing is changing.
I need to grow a backbone. Tell her how this is affecting me, and demand change. I could earn more working 40 hours a week at Fleet Farm, and I bet they offer benefits.
The thing is, I enjoy this work. Just not all 60 hours of it. I like getting into the community, taking pictures, talking to interesting people. I like seeing the pages come together and having a product at the end to show what you've done, a product that people enjoy reading. I don't want to work at Fleet Farm.
Perhaps now is the time to look into school, for both my husband and myself. Perhaps there is a better fit for me somewhere else.
Because I am tired. Just like at my eyes.
So, welcome 2010. This year, I resolve to be strong, stand up for my needs.
Oh, yeah, and to lose 30 pounds. This time, I mean it.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Farewell, 2009
Hard to believe we've completed an entire decade since I welcomed the year 2000 in my friend April's living room, wearing my very first (and not the last) pair of 200X themed glasses.
We're about to enter the teens, yet I don't feel any different than I did at the beginning of the decade, when I was exiting my own teens.
When we entered 2009, we were so glad to be rid of 2008. 2008 cut us deeply, and then poured lemon juice in the wounds. We had no idea how we expected to heal or where 2009 would lead, but it just had to be better than 2008, it just had to.
And it was.
Don't get me wrong, this year definitely had its share of downs, plenty of tears and loss and heartache. But 2009 also saw us pick ourselves off, dust off, and keep on swimming.
I like the idea of a new year. A new chance, a blank slate, a starting over point. No matter that the new year falls smack dab in the middle of winter, at no particular changing point in the actual year, just an arbitrary number change, but nonetheless, the idea appeals to me.
Every year, I make resolutions. Every year, I break resolutions. I try to think of the me I'd like to be, and make conscious efforts and choices to achieve that me. It rarely works. But every once in a while, I make a change that sticks around, and that small success of many failures keeps me making new year resolutions.
Plus, it is tradition, and lord knows I'm a sucker for tradition.
So, I'll continue to make new years' resolutions, and do my darndest to stick to them.
We'll eat our 12 grapes, pop our bottle of champagne, and welcome in not only the new year, but the new decade. We'll remember the blessings of 2009, and say goodbye to the parts we'd like to forget.
Here's hoping for a glorious start of the new decade, and a happy 2010 for all.
We're about to enter the teens, yet I don't feel any different than I did at the beginning of the decade, when I was exiting my own teens.
When we entered 2009, we were so glad to be rid of 2008. 2008 cut us deeply, and then poured lemon juice in the wounds. We had no idea how we expected to heal or where 2009 would lead, but it just had to be better than 2008, it just had to.
And it was.
Don't get me wrong, this year definitely had its share of downs, plenty of tears and loss and heartache. But 2009 also saw us pick ourselves off, dust off, and keep on swimming.
I like the idea of a new year. A new chance, a blank slate, a starting over point. No matter that the new year falls smack dab in the middle of winter, at no particular changing point in the actual year, just an arbitrary number change, but nonetheless, the idea appeals to me.
Every year, I make resolutions. Every year, I break resolutions. I try to think of the me I'd like to be, and make conscious efforts and choices to achieve that me. It rarely works. But every once in a while, I make a change that sticks around, and that small success of many failures keeps me making new year resolutions.
Plus, it is tradition, and lord knows I'm a sucker for tradition.
So, I'll continue to make new years' resolutions, and do my darndest to stick to them.
We'll eat our 12 grapes, pop our bottle of champagne, and welcome in not only the new year, but the new decade. We'll remember the blessings of 2009, and say goodbye to the parts we'd like to forget.
Here's hoping for a glorious start of the new decade, and a happy 2010 for all.
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Merry Christmas
I'm feeling grumpy, and I just don't know why.
We had a relatively fabulous Christmas, despite a quick trip to the ER (asthma attack for Julio, which responded to treatment and was really speedy, as ER trips go), two inches or rain that turned all our snow into slush, which has since frozen so we now live on a skating rink, and a disaster with the oyster stew, which curdled.
We had joy and presents, and wonder in the face of the small one. She stayed awake, alert and excited until midnight on Christmas Eve, opening presents from family. Sofia did beautifully at the Christmas Eve service at church, which could have been a disaster. I sing in the choir, so she and I were front and center. Keeping a two-year-old occupied for an entire church service at the front of the church is, let's just say, interesting. She did well, though, and tried to climb the banister, stared with intrigue at the real baby in the manger scene (until turning around and saying to me, "Baby Jesus scare me.") She banged on her 'Little Drummer Boy' coffee can drum, and sat in her princess dress facing the crowd. Afterwards. she ran around the sanctuary, and got her head stuck in the bars of the stair case to the pulpit. "Mama, I stuck!"
Sofia, for one, actually enjoyed the oyster stew, despite its strangeness.
Julio had to work, but got home right after 10, and we had a great time as a family. Sofia loved her presents from us, and has been carrying around her little doll (which she named Baby Tigger) since then.
Sarah got a Wii, and though it was very late, she and Julio and I stayed up playing for awhile.
Then I (ahem, Santa) filled stockings, put out candy, and put the presents under the upstairs tree, even though someone forgot to leave cookies.
We slept in, all of us, including Sofia. She woke up smiling, and excited about the presents under the tree.
Mom and Dad left for DC to see their new grandbaby (I am so jealous; want to hold baby Anika!), and because of the weather and Julio's respiratory distress, we all stayed home and played Wii, read books, and played with all the new toys Santa brought. Besides having to trudge through the slush to do chores, it was a great day.
I'm not sure why I'm so grumpy. Perhaps because tomorrow is Monday, and I abhor Monday, more so now than ever, as it is usually a 16-20 hour work day. Besides that, I'm not at all ready for Monday, which makes it worse. I have to spend today trying to call people to do interviews (the weekend after Christmas. Yes, I'm sure they will be thrilled to hear from me.)
Maybe it is because Christmas is over, and I didn't get to watch all the movies, listen to all the music, do all the traditions that I wanted to.
I'm not sure what it is, but I've got to get past it.
We had a relatively fabulous Christmas, despite a quick trip to the ER (asthma attack for Julio, which responded to treatment and was really speedy, as ER trips go), two inches or rain that turned all our snow into slush, which has since frozen so we now live on a skating rink, and a disaster with the oyster stew, which curdled.
We had joy and presents, and wonder in the face of the small one. She stayed awake, alert and excited until midnight on Christmas Eve, opening presents from family. Sofia did beautifully at the Christmas Eve service at church, which could have been a disaster. I sing in the choir, so she and I were front and center. Keeping a two-year-old occupied for an entire church service at the front of the church is, let's just say, interesting. She did well, though, and tried to climb the banister, stared with intrigue at the real baby in the manger scene (until turning around and saying to me, "Baby Jesus scare me.") She banged on her 'Little Drummer Boy' coffee can drum, and sat in her princess dress facing the crowd. Afterwards. she ran around the sanctuary, and got her head stuck in the bars of the stair case to the pulpit. "Mama, I stuck!"
Sofia, for one, actually enjoyed the oyster stew, despite its strangeness.
Julio had to work, but got home right after 10, and we had a great time as a family. Sofia loved her presents from us, and has been carrying around her little doll (which she named Baby Tigger) since then.
Sarah got a Wii, and though it was very late, she and Julio and I stayed up playing for awhile.
Then I (ahem, Santa) filled stockings, put out candy, and put the presents under the upstairs tree, even though someone forgot to leave cookies.
We slept in, all of us, including Sofia. She woke up smiling, and excited about the presents under the tree.
Mom and Dad left for DC to see their new grandbaby (I am so jealous; want to hold baby Anika!), and because of the weather and Julio's respiratory distress, we all stayed home and played Wii, read books, and played with all the new toys Santa brought. Besides having to trudge through the slush to do chores, it was a great day.
I'm not sure why I'm so grumpy. Perhaps because tomorrow is Monday, and I abhor Monday, more so now than ever, as it is usually a 16-20 hour work day. Besides that, I'm not at all ready for Monday, which makes it worse. I have to spend today trying to call people to do interviews (the weekend after Christmas. Yes, I'm sure they will be thrilled to hear from me.)
Maybe it is because Christmas is over, and I didn't get to watch all the movies, listen to all the music, do all the traditions that I wanted to.
I'm not sure what it is, but I've got to get past it.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Fly, Fly, Little Wing
I tried to write about Suey on Friday, when I could barely do anything but cry. I couldn't do it. Yet, how can one ever really write about Suey? How can any words encapsulate her spirit? Even though it isn't enough, isn't nearly enough, words are what we have now. Suey left her body last Friday, December 11 at 2:30 in the afternoon.
Oh, how I love her. She had the most incredible laugh, a deep one from the belly, that often ended in a snort. The best kind of snort. And the best part about her laugh, is how often you heard it. She was always laughing.
She had a zest about her in every thing she did. Even sitting around the house doing nothing would have a Suey twist. She's make us sit outside in on a warm day, and put our chairs inside the kiddie pool to cool off (with a beer in a coozie, of course). If her husband fell asleep in the living room, she'd paint his toenails sparkly blue, then wait for him to notice.
Suey was welcoming. To everyone. Just as at home at the bowling alley or on a cruise ship, Suey made friends wherever she went. She had that special way of making every single person feel loved and included and part of the group. She took me into her home so many times, and always made me feel that she was the lucky one to have me there.
She made a personalized baby blanket for every baby, and they were all beautiful and unique. She helped me create baby blankets for my friends' babies, and I'll try to continue the tradition on my own, though they won't be the same without her special flair.
Suey was real. She was always herself, and fully present in each moment. She loved herself, and she loved everyone around her.
She leaves behind so many broken hearts, trying to navigate this world with her life force no longer a part of it.
Most of all, she leaves behind two daughters, my cousins, teenagers. They need their mommy. It breaks my heart, all the life Suey is missing, and all the moments Taylor-Ann and McKenna will never get to share with her.
Rest in Peace, Suey. You are loved, and will be remembered always.
Oh, how I love her. She had the most incredible laugh, a deep one from the belly, that often ended in a snort. The best kind of snort. And the best part about her laugh, is how often you heard it. She was always laughing.
She had a zest about her in every thing she did. Even sitting around the house doing nothing would have a Suey twist. She's make us sit outside in on a warm day, and put our chairs inside the kiddie pool to cool off (with a beer in a coozie, of course). If her husband fell asleep in the living room, she'd paint his toenails sparkly blue, then wait for him to notice.
Suey was welcoming. To everyone. Just as at home at the bowling alley or on a cruise ship, Suey made friends wherever she went. She had that special way of making every single person feel loved and included and part of the group. She took me into her home so many times, and always made me feel that she was the lucky one to have me there.
She made a personalized baby blanket for every baby, and they were all beautiful and unique. She helped me create baby blankets for my friends' babies, and I'll try to continue the tradition on my own, though they won't be the same without her special flair.
Suey was real. She was always herself, and fully present in each moment. She loved herself, and she loved everyone around her.
She leaves behind so many broken hearts, trying to navigate this world with her life force no longer a part of it.
Most of all, she leaves behind two daughters, my cousins, teenagers. They need their mommy. It breaks my heart, all the life Suey is missing, and all the moments Taylor-Ann and McKenna will never get to share with her.
Rest in Peace, Suey. You are loved, and will be remembered always.
Friday, December 11, 2009
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Revitalize
I'm still here. Going to try to revive this thing, lest it sit in Internet purgatory, freeze-framing our lives at the point of transition.
So, apparently, I forgot I had a blog. Look! Here it is! All neglected and dusty, depicting the life of a baby who is nearly ONE YEAR OLDER than she was then. Like, she doubled.
Sofia is two now. She's a riot.
She's my big girl. She started singing the alphabet right around her second birthday, and if there is anything cuter than the way she says w, x, y and z, I don't want to hear it, because my poor heart might really just puddle up on the floor.
She recognizes her letters. One day, we were in the basement on the computer with grandma and grandpa and aunt Sarah (yes, going to the computer room is a family event. isn't it at your house?), and she sat at the other computer, pointing to the letters on the keyboard, naming each one. Except that she said W for M, but really, who can blame her? What if the key was on backwards? That's totally a W, Mom.
She counts to 15 in English, and to 10 in Spanish. Not just the numbers, either. She actually counts objects. How many (fill in the blank), Sofia? 1, 2, 3, 4. There's Four, Mommy!
For a long time, she would count the objects, and then add one. She'd count to four, and then say, There's Five! She caught on now.
She can jump. She's been working on that one for awhile, now, and would be so cute, gearing her little legs up and spring off the floor, then not actually leave the floor. WIth practice, however, both feet are now air born at the same time.
She loves to run. Run everywhere. If she's not running, she's obstinately not moving. She loves to kick, too. I took her to a high school soccer game this fall, and she really thought she was going to get to play, not just watch.
She loves music. She can sing along, the words and everything, to that fabulous hit, by Big Bird, ACDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ. And Elmo's Song. She sings that, too.
She loves her friends. Cady and Cassie, and Jay and Ella, hold very dear spaces in her heart. She's still learning sharing, and taking turns, and "nice touches" and all that, but what do we expect? She's TWO.
The child in my house is not the same one who was there the last time I wrote. She's one year older, one year wiser, and one year naughtier. She's simply fantastic.
Life is better. Slowly but surely, we're pulling ourselves out of the holes we had been stuck in.
So, apparently, I forgot I had a blog. Look! Here it is! All neglected and dusty, depicting the life of a baby who is nearly ONE YEAR OLDER than she was then. Like, she doubled.
Sofia is two now. She's a riot.
She's my big girl. She started singing the alphabet right around her second birthday, and if there is anything cuter than the way she says w, x, y and z, I don't want to hear it, because my poor heart might really just puddle up on the floor.
She recognizes her letters. One day, we were in the basement on the computer with grandma and grandpa and aunt Sarah (yes, going to the computer room is a family event. isn't it at your house?), and she sat at the other computer, pointing to the letters on the keyboard, naming each one. Except that she said W for M, but really, who can blame her? What if the key was on backwards? That's totally a W, Mom.
She counts to 15 in English, and to 10 in Spanish. Not just the numbers, either. She actually counts objects. How many (fill in the blank), Sofia? 1, 2, 3, 4. There's Four, Mommy!
For a long time, she would count the objects, and then add one. She'd count to four, and then say, There's Five! She caught on now.
She can jump. She's been working on that one for awhile, now, and would be so cute, gearing her little legs up and spring off the floor, then not actually leave the floor. WIth practice, however, both feet are now air born at the same time.
She loves to run. Run everywhere. If she's not running, she's obstinately not moving. She loves to kick, too. I took her to a high school soccer game this fall, and she really thought she was going to get to play, not just watch.
She loves music. She can sing along, the words and everything, to that fabulous hit, by Big Bird, ACDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ. And Elmo's Song. She sings that, too.
She loves her friends. Cady and Cassie, and Jay and Ella, hold very dear spaces in her heart. She's still learning sharing, and taking turns, and "nice touches" and all that, but what do we expect? She's TWO.
The child in my house is not the same one who was there the last time I wrote. She's one year older, one year wiser, and one year naughtier. She's simply fantastic.
Life is better. Slowly but surely, we're pulling ourselves out of the holes we had been stuck in.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
A New Day
Sometimes things look better in the morning. Nothing has resolved, all the problems are still there, but I have something better.
It's better than I could ever have imagined. Her kisses and smiles, her laughs and giggles, each new word, each new discovery, each moment is perfect.
We had our Dia de Los Reyes celebration, and celebrate we did. We had pan de jamon, key lime pie, and lots of laughs. Sofia helped take down the tree, and carefully placed each ornament back in the boxes, and we talked about the story each one holds. The Kings brought her a tricycle, which she pushes around, climbing into the seat, saying "Peeeeeeese". We drive around the livingroom, laughing and zooming. Sofia's baby gets a turn.
Julio and I sat on the couch, watching Sofia play. She played with her farm, dancing the the tractor's song (don't ask). She carefully holds her baby, rocking her and kissing her, then placing her in the cradle, covering her up, rocking her, saying "Nigh Night".
This girl, this family.
It's better than I could ever have imagined. Her kisses and smiles, her laughs and giggles, each new word, each new discovery, each moment is perfect. We're still moving in with my parents. Our house is still in danger of foreclosure (keep hoping for that short sale), we are still unemployed. We're formulating a plan, that I'm hoping with all my might comes to fruition and makes us better off in the long run.
No matter what happens, though, as long as we have each other, we'll be okay.
Monday, January 5, 2009
the hell?
Damn. The possibilities we thought we had have pretty much closed. And here I was, thinking 2009 might be kinder to us and something might actually work out.
I don't know what else to do or how to keep on keeping on. It all seems so futile. We're contemplating a move in with my parents. It does not feel good to be nearly 28 years old and still floundering, still living with the parents, still needing help. My own two feet haven't been very sturdy to stand on, it seems. How much longer before they tire of my bullshit?
I need to remind myself, it has only been a few months. We have been pretty tight with money since we married five years ago, but we only actually required help one other time. I haven't failed my life. I've hit a rough spot that requires the help of those who love me.
Tomorrow is January sixth, the Parra tradition. We began it only last year, but I'm looking forward to it. We make traditional food, take down our tree, give Sofia a small present (this year is a garage sale find from the summer; a tricycle!) from Los Reyes and remind ourselves how blessed we are to have each other. So, I'm baking and trying to pretend that my life isn't falling apart.
I've got to ditch the last shreds of my pride that remain with me and move back to the town I grew up in, the place I thought I left forever at 18.
Wish me luck.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
and...one more time
It's a new year and a new chance. Right? I get a second chance at this blogging thing? You know, with actual posting of actual ideas and thoughts and shit? If I have any of those, that is.
So. Not much has happened since my last post, and I haven't been able to think beyond tomorrow and how we're going to eat and survive. I spend each minute trying not to fall apart and wrestling with that knot in my stomach which so far, I haven't untied.
It might be looser. I may be closer.
We are losing the house. We can't find jobs here, we can't make mortgage, and we owe more than the house is currently worth. We are signing with a realtor and hoping for a short sale which should leave us clean and avoid foreclosure. And if we have to foreclose, we foreclose. Being a grown-up sucks donkey balls. (Grown-ups are allowed to use that phrase still, right? Please tell me grown-ups are still allowed to use that phrase, because if not, I give up right now. Yes? Good. Continue on.)
We're planning on a move. Two possibilities, one more likely than the other. It is scary, thinking of starting over again, this time with a child. I want things to be perfect, right here, right now. But they aren't. There are problems beyond just the job thing. It isn't like a move will leave all the troubles here behind us, but there are advantages to the new location that might help.
There is the possibility of school. I'm hoping to go to nursing school sometime in the next two years. I've been waiting for my vocation since I graduated undergrad, and just haven't felt it. Nothing seemed right, nothing called to me, so I remained stuck in my mundane, go-nowhere job letting life slip me by. I think I've finally found it, though. I've heard the voice telling me that this is my path.
So. I guess this post doesn't qualify as thoughts and ideas so much as catch up. I'll get there, I promise. Right now, I just need to keep on swimming, keep on swimming. Even if that swimming doesn't seem like much, it just might take me where I need to go.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Filler
I don't have much to say. Truly. Bad news gets boring quickly, and unfortunately, we're very boring over here.
There have been bright spots, when I can ignore the elephant in the room. Christmas is coming, after all, and a certain tot needs to know the magic of the season.
So, I promise I haven't forgotten about my blog and my writing ambitions. They are just on hold until my brain can think something other than "DOOM!"
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Thanksgiving
I'm aware that this is a day early, but I'll probably not have time tomorrow, and Thanksgiving is very important. The holiday and the sentiment.
Though times are tough and I'm in tears more than I laugh right now, I have much to be grateful for. Especially in times like this, I need to remember and remind myself of all the blessings in my life and to be thankful.
Thanksgiving is knowing that we're not entitled anything. Nothing is deserved, nothing is earned. Every single blessing is a blessing to be grateful for. If this weren't the truth, then people who work themselves to the bone every day wouldn't lose their babies to malaria, wouldn't get HIV, wouldn't have to deal with drought and famine. If this weren't true, then people full of love and devotion and integrity wouldn't have lost their lives, their loved ones, their everything in a tsunami, a hurricane, an earthquake. If this weren't true, everyone in the world would have equal opportunity; nobody would be born on third base thinking they've hit a triple (kudos to whoever said that first; I love it), nobody would give their all and end up short. If this weren't true, disease would only strike those who have only done bad in their life and babies wouldn't die before they are born.
So I am grateful. Grateful for every day the sun shines, grateful for the warmth inside my house, grateful for every smile that passes my lips.
My blessings are endless, and my cup truly runneth over, even if that is hard to see at times.
My Sofia. The little miracle that hugs and kisses me everyday. The blessing that I say 'thank you' to the universe for daily.
My Julio. I've known true love, true passion, romance and friendship. For every day we're together, for our past and our future, I'm grateful.
My Family. My incredible, unique, wonderful sisters. We may have argued as children, but they really are the most fun, best support I could ask for. I'm blessed and grateful. I was raised by the very best parents. My extended family of aunts and cousins and grandparents, my family-in-law; all interesting and loving and a blessing. We are so lucky to have families we love so much that we have to be sad that we don't see them as often as we'd like. Gratitude.
Those are the obvious, the top three of any list. Yet there are so many more, endless blessings.
The smell of mint underfoot in a frozen prairie. The feel of a warm, furry puppy in my lap. The sun shining on the fresh snow. The birds at my feeder. The health of those I love. The talents I have.
My Friends. Oh, my friends. Though they be scattered across the world, I am so grateful for the support and the love. Though some have been lost, none will be forgotten.
Music. Laughter. Love. Sunshine. Wind. Rain. Snow. Leaves. Trees. Everything.
Happy Thanksgiving. My heart is full.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
That's my girl.
We went to a party last night, just Sofie and me. We had wine and orange juice for the under 3 set. We talked to adults and a certain someone charmed the pants off of every woman there. And we had chocolate. Oh, yes. Sofia can not get enough of the chocolate. She knows exactly what a candy wrapper looks like, and even ventured into the arms of Unknown Man (aka Uncle Bob) to get her hands on some M&Ms.
That's my girl.
It is good to get out of the house once in awhile and just pretend that everything is okay. It is hard work remembering all the bad luck and crap all the time, holding it up and clutching desperately at straws to hold it all together before it all hits a fan and is scattered. Setting that load down is hard to do, but essential for sanity. That's what last night's party was supposed to be. And for the most part, it was. I laughed and smiled and chatted. However, small talk with people you don't see all that often inevitably starts with this question: How are you? Usually, that's not a big deal, not a tough question to answer. And I could just lie. Say we're fine, thanks so much, and how are you? But I'm not a good liar, even little white-conversation-saver lies. My eyes tear up and I muster a "We're okay" response and then look away quickly.
With any amount of luck and a lot of hard work, we'll be okay. Someday, I won't feel like I'm drowning, that water is closing in on me from every direction and I don't have any idea which way up is, and even if I knew that, I couldn't find the shore to get out of this danger anyway. I'll have my life in control and I'll feel just happy. Someday.
But not today. Today, I have to seek out those moments. Those times when I can just sip wine and set down the burdens of the day. Times when M&Ms are the only thing that I need to smile.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Seriously
I need a break. From life, from reality, from money, from job searching. From thinking. From worrying. From the past, present and future. From everything.
Is there a pause button somewhere that can make everything just STOP? Not slow down, not change, just stop for awhile, taking all feeling with it. Just for a while. I can deal with all these things; I just need a break before I do.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
A Dichotomy
It feels cruel. To finally have the job I've always wanted, constantly yearned for, yet be searching determinedly for something else.
I'm a parent. From now until forever I'll be a full-time mom. No matter where I am or how far apart we are, SHE will be in my heart, my thoughts, my every cell. My daughter. It is no secret that I'm job-searching. Grasping at straws in this cut-and-downsize economy begging someone, anyone, to pay me. Perhaps offer me benefits. Direct deposit. That sort of thing.
The part that is hard, though, is that I already have the job that I've dreamt of for so long. I know I'll be a full-time mom always, no matter what, no matter if I'm being paid by another job. But actually being a full-time at home stay-at-home mom suits me just fine. If I could lose the worry and fear and dread somewhere along the way, this would be exactly how I choose to live my life.
Only I don't get to choose. I have to get up every morning and search like hell for the opportunity that will take me away from this heaven. I hope and pray and cry for the chance to have my heart break in a million little pieces every day, to pay someone else to be there for my daughter's moments, to wipe her tears, to feed her lunch.
I've got to put these thoughts out. I've got to make me peace with working full-time AND mothering full-time. Happiness will be there in that balance, if I can find it.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Yes We Did!
President-elect Barack Obama.
That sounds so right.
I have hope for our future; both as a country and us personally. Yes, we can.
Election Day!
November 4. The day is here.
I'm shaking in my boots over here.
Voting at 7:30 am proved wise as there was already a line. My ballot is counted and I've moved on to canvassing. I musta walked 10 miles already.
I can't wait for tonight. I can't wait to see that Yes, Indeed, WE CAN.
Friday, October 31, 2008
October 31
Holy Shit. Tomorrow is November.
November is the month I don't have a job.
Wait, scratch that. I DO have a job. Just not a paycheck.
I have a job being a mom. I have a job searching for a job (which is a full-time job in itself, and if I say job one more time in this sentence job I get a cookie JOB. Yay. I win)
I go from being all non-chalant and things will work out and this too shall pass and life is an adventure to ohmygodinheaven, I have a baby and no insurance and no way to pay mortgage and we're in an economic crisis in this country and no one will ever hire me and even if they do and they hire my husband too how the hell will we afford daycare and mortgage all at the same time on two little measly incomes?
Yes, all of that.
I had a dream last night that made me tired. I don't remember all of it, but I specifically remember searching for a pair of shoes that I knew were here somewhere and I NEEDED but could not find. I remember crossing a street a lot. I remember being nervous.
So, I woke up nervous and tired and feeling like I already had a full day, how is it possibly time to wake up yet?
Not only is this the last day before November (holy shit holy shit holy shit), it is Halloween. I have the cutest little mouse waiting for me at home. She'll have whiskers and a tail and a cute little button black nose.
Not only is this the last day before November (holy shit holy shit holy shit) and not only is it Halloween, it is our good friend's birthday. So, we have a sitter, and we're all dressing up as Andy. I've got my fabulous scarf and polo shirt all ready to go.
November is coming, ready or not, but I've got the good life, yes I do.
November is the month I don't have a job.
Wait, scratch that. I DO have a job. Just not a paycheck.
I have a job being a mom. I have a job searching for a job (which is a full-time job in itself, and if I say job one more time in this sentence job I get a cookie JOB. Yay. I win)
I go from being all non-chalant and things will work out and this too shall pass and life is an adventure to ohmygodinheaven, I have a baby and no insurance and no way to pay mortgage and we're in an economic crisis in this country and no one will ever hire me and even if they do and they hire my husband too how the hell will we afford daycare and mortgage all at the same time on two little measly incomes?
Yes, all of that.
I had a dream last night that made me tired. I don't remember all of it, but I specifically remember searching for a pair of shoes that I knew were here somewhere and I NEEDED but could not find. I remember crossing a street a lot. I remember being nervous.
So, I woke up nervous and tired and feeling like I already had a full day, how is it possibly time to wake up yet?
Not only is this the last day before November (holy shit holy shit holy shit), it is Halloween. I have the cutest little mouse waiting for me at home. She'll have whiskers and a tail and a cute little button black nose.
Not only is this the last day before November (holy shit holy shit holy shit) and not only is it Halloween, it is our good friend's birthday. So, we have a sitter, and we're all dressing up as Andy. I've got my fabulous scarf and polo shirt all ready to go.
November is coming, ready or not, but I've got the good life, yes I do.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Heavenly Sleep
Remember all the DRAMA! HALP! posts regarding my daughter's sleep patterns?
Houston, we've had problems, but we're ready for take-off anyway.
We're all sleeping. At least 8 hours. In a row. Usually, anyway. (i won't go into the gas-induced-scream-fest that was tuesday night. that just bums me out).
An earlier bedtime, one nap a day and a refusal to nurse at night have made us all better sleepers. I know things change and I'm not claiming victory yet, but actually waking up in the morning and having to PEE is a welcome feeling.
(because, you know, i wasn't awake three times during the night with my daughter, giving me an excuse to pee and then waking up, groggily, in the morning and making it through my second cup of coffee before realizing I haven't peed yet, good god.)
Speaking of coffee, must refill my cup. Afternoon hath arrived.
Houston, we've had problems, but we're ready for take-off anyway.
We're all sleeping. At least 8 hours. In a row. Usually, anyway. (i won't go into the gas-induced-scream-fest that was tuesday night. that just bums me out).
An earlier bedtime, one nap a day and a refusal to nurse at night have made us all better sleepers. I know things change and I'm not claiming victory yet, but actually waking up in the morning and having to PEE is a welcome feeling.
(because, you know, i wasn't awake three times during the night with my daughter, giving me an excuse to pee and then waking up, groggily, in the morning and making it through my second cup of coffee before realizing I haven't peed yet, good god.)
Speaking of coffee, must refill my cup. Afternoon hath arrived.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Six Days
A little less than a week.
How can that seem like just a blink, yet an entire eternity away?
Six days. It's like having a baby: the six days before the child is born take FOREVER. Seriously, time stops. Thinking about the possibility of having six. whole. days. more of being pregnant is just about as daunting as thinking you'll be pregnant until Christmas. Then, as soon as you have that newborn in your arms, she is six days old, then fifteen months with nary a second to catch your breath. Can those six days really be the same amount of physical time?
Six days. In six days, this election will finally be over (we hope, anyway. I'm personally praying for a non-repeat of 2000, thankyouverymuch). Time for unity. Time for healing. Time for change.
I just hope it is around my candidate. I don't want to be the gracious loser. I want to be the celebratory winner. I want AMERICA to be the winner.
I'm just so nervous. So, time is slowly ticking away, yet racing way too fast. November 4.
ps. I went to vote this morning, and there were lines down the street. Yikes. I'll try again this afternoon.
How can that seem like just a blink, yet an entire eternity away?
Six days. It's like having a baby: the six days before the child is born take FOREVER. Seriously, time stops. Thinking about the possibility of having six. whole. days. more of being pregnant is just about as daunting as thinking you'll be pregnant until Christmas. Then, as soon as you have that newborn in your arms, she is six days old, then fifteen months with nary a second to catch your breath. Can those six days really be the same amount of physical time?
Six days. In six days, this election will finally be over (we hope, anyway. I'm personally praying for a non-repeat of 2000, thankyouverymuch). Time for unity. Time for healing. Time for change.
I just hope it is around my candidate. I don't want to be the gracious loser. I want to be the celebratory winner. I want AMERICA to be the winner.
I'm just so nervous. So, time is slowly ticking away, yet racing way too fast. November 4.
ps. I went to vote this morning, and there were lines down the street. Yikes. I'll try again this afternoon.
Monday, October 27, 2008
A Girl and a Dog
When do kids stop being infants and start being toddlers?
Around the time they start getting their naughty streak, I'd guess. Sofia is now all toddler.
Polar is a very tolerant dog. He tolerates when she sits on him, he tolerates when she pulls his tail. He tolerates her getting much more attention than he gets. He tolerates his bathroom breaks being less urgent than her diaper changes and getting chastised when he takes food from her.
Only Li'l Miss has picked up on that last one. Oh, yes she has.
Sofia has been found out. Today, she got a string cheese. Marched off eating it as always. She came to us fussing and pointing at Polar. We sent him to his bed and gave her more cheese. She went to the livingroom, and I followed. I witnessed her go to Polar's bed, put the cheese in his mouth, then turn around and sob.
Little Stinker.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Done
And...it's done. I signed. As of November 3rd, I will no longer be employed.
I am amazed at how non-scared I feel. How I know this is the right decision.
Life is looking up, folks.
Except for my dog. Dude, he's got gas. Give an allergic dog fish oil and predisnone and see what happens. It doesn't sound, or smell, pretty.
I am amazed at how non-scared I feel. How I know this is the right decision.
Life is looking up, folks.
Except for my dog. Dude, he's got gas. Give an allergic dog fish oil and predisnone and see what happens. It doesn't sound, or smell, pretty.
Give me Sleep or Give me Death.
Since when do 1 year olds not sleep through the night?
Seriously, I thought this night-waking would stop at some point. So far, it seems I am doomed to years of not sleeping.
I finally decided to suck it up and no longer nurse Sofia at night. She demands it and screams for it and it is not the way I'd like to nurse, so I'm refusing. I always thought I'd be the "don't offer, don't refuse" kind of mom. Just another example of how your kid changes your plan, I guess. So, we cry at night instead. The crying length is getting shorter, so I'm trying to be heartened. I don't have it in me to just let her cry, so I hold her and cuddle her instead. One step at a time, right? We have a sippy of water in her crib in case she is thirsty and I'm trying to explain to her during the day as well that we don't nurse when she screams for it.
Yet, we're still waking twice a night. At least. This is not helping my plan to wake up early in the morning, work out and be out the door before 8:30. Sometimes I'm lucky to be out of bed by then.
Who knew that lack of sleep could be this important? I know I went with far less during college.
I also fell asleep behind the wheel once and tended to fall asleep during class, so I guess that isn't sayin' much.
Anyway, besides refusing to let her mama and papa get a full night's sleep in, my toddler is continuing to charm me. She's so funny. She likes animal crackers, and will take one in her chubby little hand, walk off with it, feed it to the dog, then come complaining to me that Polar ate her cookie. Stinker.
The child loves accessories. She walks around the house with a little purse around her neck, carrying her shoes. She's got a costume jewelery necklace that she loves. How am I going to afford her teenage years? I foresee a lot of babysitting in her future paying for handbags and earrings.
Job hunt still on. Trying not to let the fear consume me. Trying to move on. Sometimes is easier than others.
Seriously, I thought this night-waking would stop at some point. So far, it seems I am doomed to years of not sleeping.
I finally decided to suck it up and no longer nurse Sofia at night. She demands it and screams for it and it is not the way I'd like to nurse, so I'm refusing. I always thought I'd be the "don't offer, don't refuse" kind of mom. Just another example of how your kid changes your plan, I guess. So, we cry at night instead. The crying length is getting shorter, so I'm trying to be heartened. I don't have it in me to just let her cry, so I hold her and cuddle her instead. One step at a time, right? We have a sippy of water in her crib in case she is thirsty and I'm trying to explain to her during the day as well that we don't nurse when she screams for it.
Yet, we're still waking twice a night. At least. This is not helping my plan to wake up early in the morning, work out and be out the door before 8:30. Sometimes I'm lucky to be out of bed by then.
Who knew that lack of sleep could be this important? I know I went with far less during college.
I also fell asleep behind the wheel once and tended to fall asleep during class, so I guess that isn't sayin' much.
Anyway, besides refusing to let her mama and papa get a full night's sleep in, my toddler is continuing to charm me. She's so funny. She likes animal crackers, and will take one in her chubby little hand, walk off with it, feed it to the dog, then come complaining to me that Polar ate her cookie. Stinker.
The child loves accessories. She walks around the house with a little purse around her neck, carrying her shoes. She's got a costume jewelery necklace that she loves. How am I going to afford her teenage years? I foresee a lot of babysitting in her future paying for handbags and earrings.
Job hunt still on. Trying not to let the fear consume me. Trying to move on. Sometimes is easier than others.
Friday, October 17, 2008
So, it is almost official. I told my boss that I am leaving. Papers still need signing, but for all purposes, it is done.
I'm terrified. What have I done? Left my family with no income? And I gambling my daughter's well being for my own selfish reasons? Will we make it through this?
I'm relieved. Living life means taking risks, and I want to live my life again, not just be in it. I want to live deliberately, do what I want, find who I am. I can't do that here. I'm showing my daughter that she deserves the right to find out what makes her go, to change when things are working, to be fully present in her life. I need to lead by example.
I'm scared, but optimistic. I've already signed up to volunteer on November 4th, getting out the vote. Never before have I been so certain in our need for President Obama. When you are faced with the prospect of no health insurance and no income, it would help to know that there is a government behind you who wants to help. Something there to catch your fall and help you get back up.
Now, I need to go dust off that interview suit and find the courage that I know I have somewhere around here.
I'm terrified. What have I done? Left my family with no income? And I gambling my daughter's well being for my own selfish reasons? Will we make it through this?
I'm relieved. Living life means taking risks, and I want to live my life again, not just be in it. I want to live deliberately, do what I want, find who I am. I can't do that here. I'm showing my daughter that she deserves the right to find out what makes her go, to change when things are working, to be fully present in her life. I need to lead by example.
I'm scared, but optimistic. I've already signed up to volunteer on November 4th, getting out the vote. Never before have I been so certain in our need for President Obama. When you are faced with the prospect of no health insurance and no income, it would help to know that there is a government behind you who wants to help. Something there to catch your fall and help you get back up.
Now, I need to go dust off that interview suit and find the courage that I know I have somewhere around here.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Getting Up
Okay, I'm getting on my feet and standing up.
I've got my resume mostly done.
I have a few jobs I can apply for.
I have several contacts that I can network with, hopefully leading to a job.
I haven't been happy at this job for awhile, now. I wrote something months ago that I want to share here:
My heart hurts. It is never where it wants to be, where it should be. My heart is in a constant three-way tug-of-war with my brain and reality and it never seems to win. Too many shoulds and have tos must do nows to leave room for silly things like dreams, creating, loving. Naivety. How I wish it was reality. I wish I could just live my life, live it like I want to. There’s always a tether holding me to reality whenever my feet think of leaving the floor. Money. I can’t do what I want to without money. I can’t have money without work. I can’t do what I want to and work at the same time. A circle the tortures me. I see pictures—my happy, smiling baby. The tiny newborn pictures make way for the sitting, standing pictures. They frame my desk, my wall, are etched on my heart. My soul longs for the comfort of her touch, the stickiness of her hands, the fullness of her laughter. I want to take walks, go to the playground, plant a garden. I want to do laundry, play peek-a-boo, pet the dog. I want to talk in babbles, teach ABCs and splash in rain puddles. I want crafts and colors, messes and baths, dancing and battles of wills. I want to learn to sew with her, to teach her to play piano, to just BE.
Instead, I labor over spreadsheets. I discover problems and create problems. I curse at my computer screen. I yearn for five o’clock so I can go home and begin my day. My life is lived between 5 and 10 pm on weekdays and on weekends. Seems like a lot of hours to be only existing, yet not really living.
I'm going to use this as an opportunity. An opportunity to get off my butt and take a risk. It is making me take a risk. I'll get a job, any job, I don't care, and keep looking for what I really want to do, what will make me happy at home AND at work. Maybe I'll go so school, maybe I'll figure out exactly who I am and what my place is in this world.I have friends. I have family. I am cared for and loved. We won't starve, and even in the worst case scenario, we won't be homeless. Life will move on. I will move on, and be better for it.
I've got my resume mostly done.
I have a few jobs I can apply for.
I have several contacts that I can network with, hopefully leading to a job.
I haven't been happy at this job for awhile, now. I wrote something months ago that I want to share here:
My heart hurts. It is never where it wants to be, where it should be. My heart is in a constant three-way tug-of-war with my brain and reality and it never seems to win. Too many shoulds and have tos must do nows to leave room for silly things like dreams, creating, loving. Naivety. How I wish it was reality. I wish I could just live my life, live it like I want to. There’s always a tether holding me to reality whenever my feet think of leaving the floor. Money. I can’t do what I want to without money. I can’t have money without work. I can’t do what I want to and work at the same time. A circle the tortures me. I see pictures—my happy, smiling baby. The tiny newborn pictures make way for the sitting, standing pictures. They frame my desk, my wall, are etched on my heart. My soul longs for the comfort of her touch, the stickiness of her hands, the fullness of her laughter. I want to take walks, go to the playground, plant a garden. I want to do laundry, play peek-a-boo, pet the dog. I want to talk in babbles, teach ABCs and splash in rain puddles. I want crafts and colors, messes and baths, dancing and battles of wills. I want to learn to sew with her, to teach her to play piano, to just BE.
Instead, I labor over spreadsheets. I discover problems and create problems. I curse at my computer screen. I yearn for five o’clock so I can go home and begin my day. My life is lived between 5 and 10 pm on weekdays and on weekends. Seems like a lot of hours to be only existing, yet not really living.
I'm going to use this as an opportunity. An opportunity to get off my butt and take a risk. It is making me take a risk. I'll get a job, any job, I don't care, and keep looking for what I really want to do, what will make me happy at home AND at work. Maybe I'll go so school, maybe I'll figure out exactly who I am and what my place is in this world.I have friends. I have family. I am cared for and loved. We won't starve, and even in the worst case scenario, we won't be homeless. Life will move on. I will move on, and be better for it.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Yeah, this has not been a good month
Can we get a do-over? Just the from Setember 15 until now, please. Can you manage that, universe?
No? Well, damn. Then help me figure out this mess of crap you've piled in my lap, okay?
Apparently, my job doesn't think my family and the life of my husband is more important that my continued productivity. As you can imagine, I've been a bit preoccupied. Productive isn't a word I'd use to describe me right now. So, I'm being let go. For real. No job. That means there are two of us, both healing, both hurting, and not a single job. No health insurance.
I'm scared. I'm humiliated. I feel defeated.
I haven't been the world's best employee. There are things I'd change. I know that. I made mistakes. But the lack of empathy for a person and their real-person life from my company just hurts. I've been there over three years. I've done good work.
Seriously, about that do-over? Can you think about it again, universe?
Friday, October 10, 2008
In Need of Sleep
Isn't is amazing how not sleeping very well throws everything into the realm of DOOM! HELP! SUCKS! the sun will never shine again!
Sofia has a cold. Not a cold that affects her during the day, save for some sniffles and a mama that is constantly running after her with a tissue, but a cold that disrupts her sleep and makes her feel crummy. Know what a baby does when she feels crummy and doesn't know why and can't sleep? She makes sure the whole house knows it.
We heard her begin to whimper last night (mind you, this is the fourth or fifth night of this) and laid in bed still, our ears piqued hoping that the cries wouldn't escalate and the little angel would put herself back to sleep. Cries continue, paper/rock/scissors to determine who has to actually GET UP to fetch her. Of course, she wants to nurse. She always wants to nurse. Forever. Listening to a stuffy kid nurse is not very calming and now I have booger on my boob. Sweet.
So, we used to co-sleep. I liked it. Until Sofia didn't. Now she kicks, moves, wiggles, farts, nurses, bites, talks, and all other sorts of non-approved-nighttime activities when in bed with us. None of us sleep. But the energy required to put her back in her bed and deal with the inevitable aforementioned crying of the feeling-crummy-toddler equals more than the lazy solution of just dealing with her where she is.
So, all this = very little sleep.
Fast forward to this afternoon. I imagine we are not the only family with financial stresses, nor are we the only family dealing with difficult things. I swear, though, one little straw fell, and I hit the floor. Doom! Drama! Poor me! Break out that violin, folks, for I have the worst sob story.
After a few minutes of literally forced, relaxed breathing, a latte and some reality, I have officially calmed down.
And planned some sleepy time for me this weekend. Because you simply can't hold your family together when you are falling apart.
Sofia has a cold. Not a cold that affects her during the day, save for some sniffles and a mama that is constantly running after her with a tissue, but a cold that disrupts her sleep and makes her feel crummy. Know what a baby does when she feels crummy and doesn't know why and can't sleep? She makes sure the whole house knows it.
We heard her begin to whimper last night (mind you, this is the fourth or fifth night of this) and laid in bed still, our ears piqued hoping that the cries wouldn't escalate and the little angel would put herself back to sleep. Cries continue, paper/rock/scissors to determine who has to actually GET UP to fetch her. Of course, she wants to nurse. She always wants to nurse. Forever. Listening to a stuffy kid nurse is not very calming and now I have booger on my boob. Sweet.
So, we used to co-sleep. I liked it. Until Sofia didn't. Now she kicks, moves, wiggles, farts, nurses, bites, talks, and all other sorts of non-approved-nighttime activities when in bed with us. None of us sleep. But the energy required to put her back in her bed and deal with the inevitable aforementioned crying of the feeling-crummy-toddler equals more than the lazy solution of just dealing with her where she is.
So, all this = very little sleep.
Fast forward to this afternoon. I imagine we are not the only family with financial stresses, nor are we the only family dealing with difficult things. I swear, though, one little straw fell, and I hit the floor. Doom! Drama! Poor me! Break out that violin, folks, for I have the worst sob story.
After a few minutes of literally forced, relaxed breathing, a latte and some reality, I have officially calmed down.
And planned some sleepy time for me this weekend. Because you simply can't hold your family together when you are falling apart.
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Happy Things
I've been so down lately, having a hard time forcing myself to do even the most basic things. I need a reminder of reasons to smile.
happy thing #1: the sun remembered to shine this afternoon. I watched my daughter walk all around the playground and go down the big slide all by herself.
happy thing #2: all three of us went for a walk together, watching the moon rise.
happy thing #3: Chipotle
happy thing #4: Sofia has learned to jump on the trampoline.
happy thing #5: I'm close to getting Sofia to say "Oh bah mah".
Thursday, October 2, 2008
A Week in Paradise
Life goes on. And on. We all must figure out how to go on within it.
To that end, we took a week just to be. To be together. To be alone. To be happy.
I'm not ready for this week to end (though I am still working--this would be much more relaxing if my work didn't keep enticing me back to the computer screen. I should be grateful, and I am, but if I am truthful, I'm also a bit spiteful.) There is a garden to be harvested, bursting with tomatoes, pumpkin, squash, raspberries, potatoes. There are grapes begging to be plucked off the vines. Juice and jellies to be made, pies to be eaten. Leaves to gather and woods to be hiked through, sheep to be watched and dogs to chase balls. A certain tot's grandparents to take care of us all.
Real life is waiting for us at home, but for now, we're relishing the fall; the beauty, the primal work, the bounty and the colors.
It feels good.
Sofia is beaming. At first her molars (damn the molars! ) caused her to wake hourly at night, and she could sense all the upheaval that had been our life. Now, she's walking everywhere, completely given up crawling. The Grandpa she'd been suspicious of since birth is now her best buddy. She loves watching the sheep and has figured out how to throw a ball for the dog. She's eating raspberries direct from the garden and discovered that she adores cherry tomatoes.
Life is good. [pictures to follow]
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